Visitation and Clothing

E.,
I have been there. Since they are both lawyers ask the questions. What is best for the child? or What does that have to do with the child? (sometimes you may have to ask it 10 times)
There is a ton of information based on research that states a child should feel comfortable at both homes. Ask the father if having the child wear the same cloths for a week is healthy for the child?
Questions questions questions. Do you have access to Tony Robins tapes or books at the library? His informatin helped me take the emotion out.

The best advice I was ever given was:
1. Never say anything bad about the other parent because it is like pointing a finger at the child and saying half of you is bad.
2. Take the emotion out and treat the exchange of the child like a business. I know this is not easy but like everything else practice makes perfect.

Sorry to say but it is the kids that lose.
Been there,
C.

Do they have clothes there for her??? Then I would stop..My ex has clotes for my children at his house..So I do not sent them..IF he requests that I do I DO send them..You should ask or send clothes you don't care IF you see back again..I would ask politely and say "If she has clothes to wear there I'll send her with an out fit to wear home..So you don't have to wash the outfit she wore going there.." (see their response)

I'm sure I'm going to get ripped on this but as I do deal with divorcing families on a daily basis I think I can weigh in. Since you know this is how you ex behaves (and you are correct, he's being an idiot) just pack the clothes. You are contributing to your daughter's suffering by playing this little game with her father. Secondly, he is legally (in most states), if not morally, correct (at least most Judges I know would get pissed if this squabble came into their Courtroom). He does pay support for the child. This support includes funds to purchase supplies for the child such as clothes, food, shelter (the basics), etc. It is your responsibility to pack clothing (since he can't seem to see fit to provide it) and it is his responsibility to return it. The best advice I can give is to go to walmart, buy clearance rack clothes to send with the child and don't expect to see them back. If your ex can't act like a grown up, you can. Stop thinking of it as him taking advantage of you and think about your daughter. Make it easy on her even if it makes it h*** o* you.

Hi E..
Man, I have been through this situation before, and let me say I feel your pain. Okay, so this is going to be long, but I feel like I have a lot to share. I've been divorced 4 years and the first couple years it seemed like everything was an issue, but no issue was more heated than the "clothes" issue.

First off, it may be helpful to see what the law is in your state, or if there is anything in the custody decree, just so you know what your responsibilities are and what you’re dealing with. My ex tried to pull a lot of "well, I pay child support so you HAVE to do this or that", but when I would check with an attorney, they’d tell me what the actual laws were and they usually aren’t even as black and white as you think. If it wasn’t written in the decree, then basically it was up for debate, in my case.

After finding that out, I think you have a few options, to sum up what people have said here and to share what I've went through, myself. First off, of course, if they will have a civil discussion with you then it‘s best to talk to them and try to come to a COMPROMISE. Remember, that means it’s possible that neither of you will get what you want. Stay cool. Come with solutions. Ask questions. Use "I" statements, and don’t play the blame game. I actually found that my ex’s wife resented me talking to him, so I would get more accomplished if I just approached her, right off the bat. Maybe that will or will not work for you. Always focus on the fact that it’s your daughter that will benefit from working things out. You aren’t doing this for your own benefit or for theirs; this is for your daughter. You want her to feel good no matter where she is.

But, we all know that certain people just aren’t willing to talk or compromise, they just want to make things difficult, or they are too angry to see a solution. In that case, I would do as someone suggested here; create a wardrobe that goes to her dad’s for her and stays there. Remember, this is your child, and if they are going to not let her wear anything from their house (which doesn’t even make SENSE) when she’s there, then you want her to feel good about the clothes she has to choose from at his house. You can find some nice, appropriate things at garage sales and clearance racks, even hand-me-downs from friend or family with an older girl (my kids LOVE this). Communicate with your ex when you send them that those clothes can just stay at his house, and ask him to let you know (and even bring them back) when/if they don’t fit any longer and you can replace each outfit as she grows out of it. Your best bet is to make this a NON-ISSUE. Communicating with them is the only way that this is going to work. Sure, they have money and they can afford clothes for this child themselves, and that totally SUCKS, but apparently they are unwilling to do this and YOUR DAUGHTER is the one suffering. You have to be the adult in the situation and just step up to the plate and make things right for your kid.

If this still remains a problem, and all else fails, I would take it to a mediator. You will want to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING for a while so that you can prove there is a pattern. You want to be sure that you are coming to the table and trying to compromise with these people in the tough situations, that you are trying to co-parent with them, and that they are just unwilling to compromise. You may end up in court OVER CLOTHES, but if that's what it takes is to have something written in the custody agreement, then so be it.

In my case, I figured out (through counseling) that my ex and his wife were having issues with their own marriage, and so the only time that they could "come together" was when they were lashing out and arguing with me and about me and creating hell for me. Once I removed the conflict and just didn’t allow them to rile me (at least as far as they knew) then everything started getting better, and eventually their marriage crashed and burned. Maybe that’s what’s happening in your case too, who knows? But, the best thing to do, in my case at least, was just never to "lose my cool" with them. Always remain calm. Don’t bite the bait when they try to harass you, tell them you’ll call them back when you’ve thought over something their complaining about if you need to, just BE THE ADULT. E., you don’t have to be a doormat for these people, and let them take advantage of you. Stand your ground when it matters, and the rest, just let it go in one ear and out the other.

Also, like someone else said, this is not something you should discuss with your daughter. I know that it’s so tempting to ask her what’s going on at her Dad’s house with this, but you need to leave her out of this discussion. I mean, if she comes to you, upset about having to wear clothes 10 days in a row, that’s one thing. Be there to comfort her, of course, tell her that you’ll talk to her dad. This is an adult situation that should be handled by adults. I agree with the other people that said that if they actually DID as she said and forced her to wear the same clothes, and they were dirty, then that is considered neglect, so you need to get this straightened out as swiftly as possible so that your daughter can benefit from the calmness.

Nowadays, clothes aren’t so much an issue for us, and hopefully you guys can get there too. Now, we both buy things for the kids and the kids are getting older so they just take things back and forth to our houses however and whenever they want. I do usually end up with most of their clothes at my house, only because I keep them more, but I let them take whatever they want to their dads and bring home whatever they want. He usually goes through things every now and then brings a big "load" back to my house just so that they have enough stuff for school, but it’s really gotten to the point where we just talk and help each other out and support each other however we can, even if we don’t always agree.

Good luck with everything. I hope that it gets better for you. Let me know if you ever want someone to talk to!

You are not responsible to provide anything for them. It is hard enough for a child to have to go back and forth, let alone lugging personal items with her! The only thing she should have to bring is a special toy, lovey, etc of her choosing. She should have her own room or area there with clothes and hygiene items that can stay there. If you need to provide these, so be it. Let her have like a week's worth of clothes that stay at dad's and make sure they agree to use them while she's there. Even though he pays child support he is still responsible for finances during the time that she stays with him. Would he expect you to send her meals with her as well? It seems like there are bigger issues in this case though. Maybe you should speak with a family therapist, lawyer, etc. Good luck! I know how hard it can be with an ex who is the father of your child.

E.,

I agree with Jenna D. Your ex only pays a percentage of child support. He pays you for the amount of time you have your daughter. When she is with him he needs to provide for her. Making a child wear the same clothes for 10 days or even 4 days is unacceptable and is neglect. Especially when there are clothes there that you have previously sent and were not returned. They are abusing your daughter in this way.

I repeat: When your daughter is with Dad, he needs to provide for her. This is why he is only paying a percentage of child support. The support amount is figured out by pro-rating how much time the child is with each parent. Therefore he pays to support the child when she is with you. He provides for the child when she is with him.

They are being extremely cruel and I would add foolhardy to do this to your child. She deserves better treatment than that.

Good luck,
V.

This is a sad situation...to not let a child have access to clean clothing is a total shame. Make sure you actually talk to them to verify what is going on. If it is true, perhaps send over items you purchase at a garage sale and not worry about whether they are being returned or not. You can save the best or newest clothes for when she is at your house.

You stop sending clothes over to their house right now! Child support is to pay for things to SUPPORT your daughter while she is at your house, not his. You can inform them that it is their responsibility to take care of her needs while residing in their house. That includes her clothing. I would tell them if your daughter comes home again and is forced to wear the same outfit several days in a row, or even just back to back, you will inform social services for neglect of a child. From there you can push for parenting classes. Now I am not saying to threaten them, but you need to put your boundries down. Do not give in, no matter what they say. It is time for your ex and his wife to grow up and take on their duty as parents. Do not be afraid to institute new rules with them. As your daughter grows things are going to change anyway. My ex said the same thing and after having over 20 outfits ruined I told him that he has to provide clothes for the kids. He said the same thing about child support, also. I told him that I will no longer provide clothes because he cannot respect his childrens' things. I stopped sending clothes and about 2 months down the line he bought clothes for them, and that was the end of that. Now the difference with me is my ex only had them Friday to Sunday every other weekend. It sounds to me your ex gets your daughter more often. Even more reason to not send clothes with her. Stick to your guns and it will work out. I hope this helps you. J.

Just for the record...her father sounds like an ass! That being said, I have no experience with this situation, but I am a teacher and can see the results when a kid gets caught between two parents disagreeing. Be the bigger person and help her pack her own clothes when she visits and support her any way you can. You will come out smelling like roses to your daughter and maybe her father and his wife will see they are not getting to you and stop acting like children. The most important thing here is that your daughter will get what she needs and you will be doing the right thing as far as her needs are concerned. Good luck!

Wow-we ran into the same problem when my stepson was little. Only it was the other way around-we sent him with clothes and his mother never sent them back. Finally we bought our own clothes for him as she never sent any. After we lost several outfits to her lack of sending them back, we started washing whatever outfit she sent him in so it was clean when we sent him home. Your situation is a little different. I don't understand why they are doing that to your daughter. I don't suppose there is anything in your divorce decree about providing for her? To me if they are making her wear the same clothes so many days in a row it is borderline neglect.

Send a thank you to your husband for his line of work. My husband is a veteran and I can relate to what you are going through while he is away.

OH MY!! Am I glad those days are over. Okay, if they are both lawyers, unfortuantely, here is what you need to do.

Call social services for them mentally abusing your daughter. It's not as if the child has enough stress with your husband bing gone. This is punishing the child to get to you and is not only unacceptable it is AGIANST THE LAW. Having clean clothes is one of the things socail services demands for kids, and they are not impressed with who is a lawyer and who is not. UNFORTUNATELY, in most states if you threaten them with the agency or tell tham that you called, they can file a complaint back on you for abusing the system. Calls to socail services are anonymous.... keep it that way, do not ever confirm that you made a call, to anyone.
What does your custody agreement say? You might have to have it spelled out that if clothing is provided, it must be returned. You could also stand there at the door to pick her up and wait for all the clothing you have sent to be returned. I would not have been able to do it, my ex intimidated me so bad, his wife just made me want to laugh when she'd get all indignant that her opinion did not matter to me.

My husband just returned from Iraq. If you ever need to talk, shoot me an email.

C. Grant

This is infantile behavior! They are obviously going to have her wear the same outfit unless you pack clothes. I am sure they wash the outfit. In your daughters best interest, I would buy her 5 extra outfits per season and have the dad keep them at his house. They can have her wear those and it solves all issues.

Do you have Full Custody? Or is it Joint?
IF You have full custody and he is paying Full custody child support amount to you, then what do you think the child support money is for? Yes he needs take care of her when he has her. BUT The father is suppose to help pay for the clothes you buy, through child support AND pay 100% of the clothes for his house?? Kinda seems unfair to me. Espcially when many fathers only see their children every other weekend. So non custodail fathers buy clothes their children barely wear before they grow out of them..

I do think its wrong if they don't return the clothes. I suggest not sending the expensive clothes over.

I don't understand that they tell her to wear the clothes you sent but then tell her she can't when she tries to wear clothes you sent over from before??
Am I understanding that correctly?

I'm on both sides when dealing with this issue. I have full custody of my oldest daughter and I have a step daughter who visits and my Husband pays full custodial child support to Bio mom. We also have two children together.
AND I went back and forth as a child between my parents.

My mom always packed a bag for me to visit my dad. My oldest I pay for all her clothes and she packs a bag to visit her father.
My step daughter does not come over with clothes. Her mom refuses to send over clothes. She doesn't think its her responsibility. I had hand me downs from my oldest and I bought clothes for my step daughter. I don't think it should be that way but I'm not going to let my step daughter wear the same clothes everyday.
I keep the clothes I buy my step daughter here, because bio mom wouldn't return things I bought her. BUT I always return the clothes her Biomom buys. So she wears whatever she wore over here back to her moms, (washed of course)

Here is a paragraph out of the Nebraska Child support guidelines. From reading this is seems to me if its Joint custody then the guidelines for clothing expenses is divided.(allocated) and you would assume if its full custody then the child support money would be to pay for clothing for the Child to wear at both houses.

§ 4-212. Joint physical custody.
When a specific provision for joint physical custody is ordered and each party’s parenting time exceeds 142 days per year, it is a rebuttable presumption that support shall be calculated using worksheet 3. When a specific provision for joint physical custody is ordered and one party’s parenting time is 109 to 142 days per year, the use of worksheet 3 to calculate support is at the discretion of the court. If child support is determined under this paragraph, all reasonable and necessary direct expenditures made solely for the child(ren) such as clothing and extracurricular activities may be allocated between the parents, as determined by the court, but shall not exceed the proportion of the obligor’s parental contributions (worksheet 1, line 6). For purposes of these guidelines, a “day” shall be generally defined as including an overnight period.

When my husband and i was having visitation with his kids their mother would send them with cloths that the rabbits had gone to the bathroom on! Holes in the knees too small for them! So at that point we went out and had two sets of clothes for them! One that stayed at our house! The other i would slowly change out with the cloths they brought after i would go to the laundry mat to wash! I understand it's a little different with you guys! But talk to your ex. Maybe have two sets one at your house and one at his! But personily he needs to buy the set for his house! He may pay child support. So does he want to send food too? I totaly get upset with parents like that!! Just because they are not there everyday they too had the child!! Ok i'm done!! Anyway if he doesn't want to do it that way! You could always do what my husbands ex. Did! But it sounds like he may actully let the child wear them! He may be your ex. But he has no right to take advantage of you! Your both adults you should be able to sit down and work out your differences remember it's not for you guys it's for child! Good luck i just had too put my two cents worth in! Good luck and god bless!

If dad is paying child support in Wisconsin then he is paying the total sum of what the state believes it takes to raise a child. That means he is bearing, according to the state, the entire financial burden of raising your child. So it is your responsibility to send clothes along because technically speaking dad has already paid for them by sending you a check every month.

The problem appears to be that dad is not respecting that by not returning clothing and then not letting her wear what she's left behind. I'd explain to dad and step-mom that if they aren't going to return or at least let the child wear what she leaves behind then they need to provide her with fresh clothing or you may need to have a chat with your lawyer/social services/whomever to ensure he's actually properly taking care of the child.

Remind them both that you are living up to your responsibility, now it's time for them to start living up to theirs.

In my divorce decree it specifically states that both my ex and myself are supposed to keep clothing, toys, bedding, all necessities in caring for our son at each residence, even though he is paying support. Does yours not say something to this effect? If not, maybe you need to get legal advice.

If I were you I would not say a word about this issue to your daughter, do not put her in the middle of adult situations.

a little harsh to make the child wear the same clothes over and over again, just to get to you...

talk with your ex husband and find a reasonable solution to appease the both of you, honestly it sounds as a huge sense of arrogance has become the two using their feet together to walk all over you, but to have the child for 10 days and assume little responsibility including borderline neglect simply for making her re-wearing the same outfit...there could be a little give there from the father figure the girl has...

to not let her wear the clothes from the drawer you originally brought and they dad & step mom didn't send back, to me is very sad for that little girl to have to endure...

This is what my Brother does.

He has his own set of cloths at his house for his girls for them to wear while they are with him. He picks them up wearing their clothes from "Mom" he washes those sometime during the weekend so they are clean and sends them back home in those clothes. So clothes from "Mom" stay with mom and clothes from "Dad" stay with dad.

At first we thought it was odd, but it really does make the most sense. Plus what little girl doesn't want 2 wardrobes :)

I would start setting up that system and see how it goes.

Good Luck.

I like your letter. It seems to deal with your concerns and may deal with theirs (whatever they may be). Have you talked with them about how you feel (is this even possible)?

I am pretty sure that making a child wear the same outfit for 10 days in order to get back at her mother is neglect! They should know this, and it calls into question their fitness as parents in my view. I would strongly suggest you file a complaint and make sure it goes in the custody file. That is outrageous. It's beyond petty and I'd be worried about the children spending time in such a toxic environment.

E.,

It seems like an easy problem to solve. Buy 5 outfits and send them to your ex-husband ahead of time. Tell him that these clothes can stay at his house and when your daughter outgrows them, you will supply more. It may cost you a little money, but aleviating the drama and not involving lawyers (at $250 an hour) will be less costly and take the heat out of the situation.

The less emotionally you handle this situation, the better. At this point, try to handle all things in a business-like manner. No drama, no hassles.

Just my opinion,
C.

I think you should continue to send clothes with her since he does pay child support, but I like the suggestions of sending a checklist with her (and keep a copy for yourself and your receipts) or sending sets of clothes for her to keep over there and replace them with changing seasons or she outgrows them.

You should send clothing with your kids when they go with your dad. It is your responsibility. If you don't, it can be deducted from the child support he gives you, all he has to do is save receipts. He probably knows this since he's a lawyer. You're being petty & selfish not thinking of your children if you don't send them with clothing on their visitations.

I also am the 'step mom' in this, but have been on both sides as my stepdaughters lived with me for the past 6 years. Anyway, I ALWAYS had clothes for the girls to wear at our house, while their mother sent them over in garbage. I always sent them home in the same clothes they came in as I never got my stuff returned. When the girls came over, they took off their clothes, I washed everything including socks and underwear and then thats what they put on to go home.

When it came time for them to go visit her from our house, they were instructed to return in the same clothes they went down in. I hated being that way, but I spent WAY too much money on their clothes for her to steal them.

The only thing I feel is required by you would be season appropriate clothing. Winter coat, boots, mittens, etc in the winter and lighter coats in the fall and spring.

Hi E..
I think that is terrible as well. Honestly, they are trying to make the point they should not have to pay for anything else because they are paying child support. If I were in your situation, I would send clothes for her. Not the clothes that are your favorite or even that cost much. But I would probably send clothes. They are obviously trying to make a point to you in the wrong way by involving your daughter which I think is terrible. At age 4, kids are very smart and they see things and understand in their own way. If the step-mom says "you need to wear the clothes your mother sent" and you didn't send any, then your daughter will feel bad. To avoid your childs hurt feelings, I would just send clothes. I'm the type of mother that I would do everything in my power to keep my child out of feeling things like that even though it is not your fault. Little things like this will continue and possibly get worse if you don't find a way to get along. Whether it is talk to them and send a weeks supply of clothes to keep at their house and you will supply more when she grows out of them or tell them that you expect to get the clothing back after each visit clean.

My husband went overseas when my first son was 2 months old. It is hard and lonely! Write anytime you need!

Does the ex and stepmom have a daughter that they want to keep the clothes for? Supply the clothes for her to wear, but keep a list of what clothes you send. If there is something missing, just ask for them back. If there is a problem with returning them after you ask, then you should make a formal complaint. My ex-sister-in-law use to keep my nieces and nephews clothes when my brother sent them with the kids. She had two younger children and we think she kept them for the younger kids.

I also do not think that his paying child support means he can't supply her with the necessities she needs while there. If they are both lawyers they know this and are counting on YOUR not knowing it. They also know that it is wrong to keep the clothes and that it is wrong to make her wear dirty clothes which is child neglect.

This breaks my heart. I had some of the same experiences, but I was the child. Please do not make it harder for the kids. Obviously your ex and his wife are not following these same rules but you need to as her mother. I know it must be hard to be the one always doing, but please do it for your children. Step type situation are hard enough and they need to know that they can rely on you. I would maybe make a check list of the stuff you sent and just have your daughter (I know she is young) but have her check off things as they go back in her bag. I remember many situations with my step mother and bio dad not being fair, but my mom was always there. It seems that they are just trying to make a point, a stupid one... but do not fall into their games.

I have joint custody. I never send extra clothing. I barely get the money that i should. But i love my boys so i just deal with it. But I bought them winter coats and one weekend they came back to my house in the ones they bought them last year. said mine weren't warm enough. ugh anyways. Keep your head up. Always let your kids know that your always gonna be there for them. your clothes or his. My kids always know to tell there daddy mommy wants these back.:)

What a mean thing for them to do!! What jerks!!

When my parents got divorced, I took clothes over to my Dad's & some stuff like jammies stayed behind to use when I was over there. I was older, so I was able to pack & keep up with my stuff (I was 11 when they divorced).

I do like your letter. It seems professional/non emotional & sounds like an excellent compromise.

Best of luck to you!!

Yikes. that is wrong. as lawyers - they should know that the child support money isn't just to buy clothes. is your daughter allowed to call you; does anybody else you know see her when your ex has her? if you can document what they are doing, the court would not like what they see. some dad that is ... that's punishment for your daughter and not right. good luck

If it were me, I would do anything I could to make the situation smooth and comfortable for my daughter. She deserves that. If something you packed is missing when she returns, send an email to dad and ask about it. I know many divorced families that do an awesome job getting along for the sake of the kiddos! Good luck!

As a child of a messy divorce, I am very aware of situations like yours. My dad had custody and mom picked us up every other weekend. We always took cloths for the weekend, and I guarantee that everything did not always come back (there were 6 of us though). Your ex is just doing this to get under your skin. As a lawyer He is well aware of his responsibilities and as a father it is horrible to do this to his child, but people who are angry don't put things into perspective the way they should. Don't look at as he is winning and you are loosing, just think about your child. (my parents aways saw it win/loose and that makes it really h*** o* the child) Unless financially you can't afford to purchase a few extra things, I wouldn't worry if some things aren't coming back. Now, if nothing is coming back and he still insist that you send clothes, you may have to get a lawyer or the police involved, but use that as a last option. Overall he is just doing this to get back at you and it is unfortunate that he can't see past his own ego to benifit the child...on top of the bad things that this is teaching your child as well as the emotional distress this is causing her. It's definitly not an easy sitution. Best of luck to you.

Your poor daughter. Her father should have the balls to step up to his current wife and stick up for your daughter. She should not have to wear the same clothes over. Especially since she had clean clothes in the drawer. That should be considered neglect. I don't have step children but it sounds like she truely is the wicked step mom. My sister has a step daughter. They have clothes for her at their house which she wears while she stays with them. She has a set of everything at the house cause one day the little girls mom sent her in sandles in the middle of winter. When she goes back to her moms she wears the clothes she was sent in. However they have been washed and are clean. My sister took a little time to adjust to being a step mom but was never cruel or put down towards her "new" daughter. She knew when she married her husband she also got a daughter. The sad thing is it is your daughter who is suffer because of this and having her self esteem lowered by this woman. What does your ex say about this?

E.,

I am so sorry your daughter is being put in the middle of this.

Up until about 2 years or so ago (daughter is 10 1/2 now) I had to send clothes for the weekend, which included pjs and snow gear if necessary. When things started being returned ruined with stains or being lost I started getting upset. At times none of the clothes were even being used (except to send her back to my house on Sunday).

After dealing with our Mediator (yes everything had to go through her since her father turned everything into a fight), she starting going to his house on Friday's in one outfit and she would come back in the same clothes on Sunday. My daughter has plenty of clothes over there - she recently told me her 1/2 sister has been wearing her clothes (which I don't think should be done - but they don't say anything). This is anothe issue in itself..

Good Luck and hope they will realized what they are doing to your daughter and just enjoy the time they have with her!!!

Being on the other side of this, my step-daughter is a quickly growing 12 year old. We keep undergarments (socks, undies, bras, etc) at our house and try to keep some clothes there. Pants are especially difficult, because she outgrows them so quickly. In addition to this, her styles change often and she frequently does not like what we have for her style-wise. Her mother freaks out at our requests for her to bring a bag when she visits. I do not understand why this is such a big deal? We always send her clothes back with her (with the exception of when an item may still be in the wash when she leaves, in which case it is returned after the following visit), and I launder her clothes whenever possible. I feel like it would be better for her to have her clothes at home to wear to school, etc. I've heard other people complain they don't send clothes, because they don't come back, but that is not our issue. Her father and I bought her several items of clothing for back-to-school and sent them all to her mother's house, for obvious reasons, since we do not take her to school. It seems to me this is just another issue to create an argument and make us look like the bad guys. Seems to me if her mother didn't make a big deal of it, nobody would even think twice about it...it would be a non-issue.

That is outright horrible what they are doing to your child and they're lawyers?

I don't think it's your responsibility especially since things are not returned.

I think it is neglecting your child on their part to have such childish tactics.

I say print out all of our responses on mommasource and let him and his new wife see how stupid they are being.

Just because he pays childsupport doesn't mean he has to be super bitter and act like you owe him.

I've gone round and round with my ex never sending my daughter's clothing back as well it's super frustrating.

I know alot of people who send the child in a outfit, and the child comes home in that same outfit but during the duration of the visit the child wears the clothes that dad has at his house. Then nothing is getting lost or anything.

You are right - money sounds like it far from this issue! I really feel empathy for you just reading this and I'm sorry you and your daughter have to deal with this. My parents went through a very messy divorce (that's putting it mildly) and I witnessed first hand scenarios just like the one you are describing. This seems like a power play on their part and with only hearing your side of the story, I'm embarassed for them. That's her father and step mother keeping her in the same clothes - that's horrible! If they want to play hardball, I'd simply send the clothes, make it a non issue for them. They seem to be responding to you not sending the clothes as immature as that seems. It's you they are trying to play and I'd simply not let them. I don't think that's giving in at all, it's really responding maturely to their immature behavior. Best of Luck to you and your family!!!

Its hard getting divorced with small children. Especially when the ex gets involved with someone else who wants to take control. That is what it sounds more like than anything - control because the clothes in the drawer were clothes you sent just on a different visitation. Beware of that because if he stays with her that will only get worse coming from the both of them. First, definitely document - you probably won't use it but it would be good to have if you need it. Third person statements hold more weight in case you have a friend over when she tells you about her visit with her dad. You have many options on how to handle it actually. They are lawyers so right now they are trying to make a point and they are going to go right to the edge of neglect and not cross the line but watch for it because they could make a mistake - say a cold day and she is not allowed to put warmer clothes on. I would say you have many options though and I would look for ones where you can show she can't control you. Have your daughter call you when there are problems. If she isn't allowed to that is something to document. Unless she wants to be talking to you all the time they can't deny her a call to you and if they do a judge will find that fishy like they are trying to hide something. Also you could take gallon sized bags and for each day she is at her dad's put an outfit with labeling on which day it is to be worn and what is in the bag. Your daughter could help with this and then she could be more self sufficient while there and put stuff back in the bags. Then make sure you check to see if everything is back in the bag when she is returned while they wait no matter how long it takes. If somethings missing require that they immediately retrieve what is missing (even the gallon bags). Yes it is a pain and petty so you might not want to do it but they are playing psyche games and the only way to get them to stop is to show them you won't be messed with. A friend of mine would look for outfits for her daughter that were colors and styles that she knew her ex didn't like and send that. Eventually he told her he bought "decent" clothes for her and she didn't need to send anything anymore. It would be nice if you could make peace because if there are issues now and she is only 5 you have a long time to deal with him. But beware if you give in you will be expected to keep giving in and if you are able to make peace in some other way with this you will probably be dealing with more problems down the road about something else. Good luck! -S.

Don't be so quick to condemn your ex. Both a 2 yr old and a 5 ry old can figure out all on their own how to manipulate their parents. If you havent spoke w/ your ex, how do you know it happened that way? I'm not saying your children are lying so much as they are telling you what they think will be the best way to play mom off dad. Happens all the time.

You don't really know if it wasn't a case of your children telling stepmom "You're not my mom so I don't have to listen to you!" when she tells them to put new clothes on for the day after they have come out wearing yesterdays clothes.

Or it could be a case of your children are wearing an outfit they like best and want to wear it each day and since it causes a huge agrument they let your child wear what she wants.

Instead of that letter you wrote, why don't you just ask them. Then you can all come up w/ alternatives to what is happening now.

I am a stepmom and I had BOTH situations occur, plus the one you thought of 1st. But as someone else stated, do document everything. Including your attempt to resolve this amicably.

1st you need to check your custody agreement to make sure what it actually says. Then, as lawyers always say-document everything! So, take your dig. camera and video camera and put them to good use. Without your daughter knowing your intention, take pictures of her leaving for visitation and when she gets back. Take pictures of the clothes and the bag packed before she goes and when she gets back. Video her (secretly) telling you about her visit with dad and the clothing situation. You can also make a small mark with permanent marker or a couple stithes with the same color thread inside the hem of the clothes you provide- from goodwill or salvation army, if needed. Once you have enough proof, go to your own lawyer and take your concerns to a judge, your concerns that your daughter's treatment is unsanitarty and unfair, not that you are the one shelling out the $ for clothes.

E. I can respond from being that "Step-Mom" and I am the 1st the say - every situation is totally different. However, at the age children grow it is next to impossible to purchase clothes to keep at your house. Otherwise you'll be shopping every visit. Please don't get me wrong I understand your point. However, being on the other side it not easy either. I don't understand not being able to let your daughter wear clothes from previous visits. Have you tried discussing with your ex (Trust me I understand communication issues too!) But there may be more than meets the eye and one thing to remember, everything your child says when they leave the other house is always not true and they may be giving the other side some terrific stories about why Mom said I need to ONLY WEAR these clothes, nothing else! Bottom line to answer your 1st question - yes, the mother sent the majority of clothes for our boys. We did purchase clothes and the boys were always welcome to take them home. However, we did have some pjs, shorts, etc.. that would stay simply for emergencies. Good Luck - I hope you can find a happy medium in a difficult situation!

I am so so sorry to hear about this situation. I got all upset just picturing it happening to my daughter because i know how much she likes picking out her clothes. When we would go to her dad's every other weekend I would send clothes but now that she lives with him every other week he has his own clothes for her. I hope some of the suggestions for filing a complaint and all that does something. Your daughter should be able to feel good about how she looks.

Maybe you should send a check list of everything you send with your daughter. Since they are lawyers, have the list notarized, they should appriciate that. Tell them you want everything returned or you are sending them a bill for the replacement item. Keep the receipts for things that you buy. Also make a copy of the list for your self, in case your daughter "loses" the list.

I refuse to send anything with my son when he goes to his bio-dad's house. I was tired of sending nice clothing with him and it not returning. I tried only sending the ratty clothes with but then my ex accused me of not proving proper clothing for him. So I made it very clear that when he is with him then it is his responsibility to provide clothing just the same as he would food and shelter. Sometimes the clothes he wears that day don't come back and their clothes do. But I make sure to put him in that same outfit the next time he goes in hopes of getting me stuff back. So it is still a struggle sometimes. But I don't see any reason they can't provide at least a few outfits for your child to wear while in their home and on their time.
I have to admit I am stunned that 2 lawyers would be that dumb to make her wear the same clothes for days on end. They should know better! It was horribly rude, unclean and shows very poor judgement. I am so sorry your daughter had to deal with that! I hope you can get this resolved soon. Good luck!

we had similar problems with my 10 year old step daughter (we have full custody of her) Her mom would "accidentially" forget clothes or return them and they were ripped and had cigarette holes in them. the last straw was we bought her a brand new $50 winter jacket she was dying to have it we looked everywhere and it was the only one she liked and fit right (she was short and round) sent it with to her mom's one weekend 3 days after we bought it and and the hood didn;t come home the next weekend everything came home but had cigarette burns in it and she claimed they were from us we DO NOT smoke and she knows this so i would send icky old clothes with then our lawyer said it was her (mom) responsibility to cloth her on her weekends even though she pays child support because everything was missing and wrecked. so now she comes home in an outfit i was it and it is put aside till she goes to her mom's and she puts it back on before she leaves to go there. She (mom) sometimes gets mad because she says she pays child support so we should provide the clothes then i bring up the jacket and missing clothes and she gets mad and drops it. no where in our custody papers does it say who provides the clothes. My daughter also gets mad sometimes when she gets new clothes and i woun't let her wear them over there but i remind her about the jacket and missing clothes and she dosn't want to forget them there because she only goes there every othe weekend. I hope this helps contact you lawyer or if comes to that.

I am not familiar with local divorce/child support laws. In Louisiana, where my husband and I were both divorced years ago, the rules for child support are that dad (or non-domicilary) pays but gets credit for the time the child spends with him. This means that his child support covers the time the child is with the mother. Any expenses incurred while the child is with him are his responsibility b/c he has not paid for the time the child is with him! Does that make sense? Anyway, we had a similar issue with my step-daughter when she was younger. Mom would send a laundry basket of clothes every other weekend, but they were always clothes that were way too small for her. We would go and buy appropriate clothing, let her wear it, and send it home with her. We never saw those clothes again! We started doing what several others have said: bought clothes and kept them at our house. She went home in freshly laundered clothing that mom had sent her to us in. My husband told his ex to stop sending clothes and we would take care of it.

That said, I recommend talking to your ex and NOT his wife. This is your child together, and it should be his concern. Let him know that there are already clothes at his house that you sent there and were not returned, so you don't see the need to keep sending clothing. Just send her personal items (tooth brush, hair brush, hair clips, etc.). Let him know that if he needs you to, you will replace those clothes as seasons change and the child outgrows them. Above all, let this be between you and your ex -- keep your daughter out of it. If he is totally unreasonable about this, then I would send good clean clothes with her on her visits, but know that they may or may not be returned. Don't ever send her "favorite" outfits or those with sentimental value.

Good luck. I am reminded of a saying my mother always shared:
"This, too, shall pass." Keep your chin up!