I apologize for the length of this response, but do want to be thorough and keep this text organized and readable--
I'm going to put on my teacher hat here (taking off my Mama Hat) and try not to get emotionally involved or too caught up in any one thing; just give you some of my insights and honest feedback, and I'll try to do it in the order you presented the information.
"My son is a good kid, not perfect by any means but good. He yells at you sometimes, has temper tantrums on occasion, isn't patient. I think that everything is within normal developmental limits."
This is your experience of your son, and it may not be universal. I have a son who is hitting four and while the whining and frustration and screaming/hysterical crying is all within those normal developmental limits, I do understand that not everyone is going to have that maternal buffer of patience with him that I do. And as a teacher, I do not tolerate being yelled at by my preschoolers. If you yell, you may go find a place to take a break until you are ready to come back and speak to people in a more humane sort of way. This is the difference between being a mom, who can look past the screaming and tantrums, and a teacher, who is setting a precedent that these are not appropriate methods of self-expression in that particular environment.
"Here's my problem, I think or it seems that she has something negative to say about my son twice a week at least. She won't tell me if he went to the nurse, but a negative comment she'll share. The nurse will call me or send me a letter if there is something wrong, in her defense."
These are two separate issues. Teachers should always communicate health concerns, first and foremost, however, if there is a nurse appointed for this job, this may be the school protocol. I personally wouldn't like to hear lots of negatives about my child, and as a teacher,my MO is usually to call a parent later (if the situation warrants it) and discuss both the challenge and the solution/correction I'm implementing. I don't do this in passing at pickup because I don't care to talk about the children in front of them. However, each teacher has their own style. If I were you, with all these negative comments, I'd welcome the opportunity suggested to meet with the director and the teacher, to allay your concerns regarding your son's behavior. It sounds like this sort of exchange should have happened a while ago.
"When my son started school, the teacher was outside the classroom in tears while the kids were being taken care of by someone else. They were crying/upset, first time away from mommy/daddy for school purposes."
This is a tricky one. You don't really know what was upsetting to her. She could have just received bad news, (I once got a call when teaching that my brother-in-law had died, and it was an exercise in putting one foot in front of the other to pull off the rest of the day. I disappeared into the bathroom for a quick sob, but had to pull it together.) She also could have been yelled at by a parent who was also emotionally-upset about this first day of school. Before I had my own business, I've had parents say things to me I wouldn't dream of saying to another person, even someone I reasonably disliked. Parents sometimes expect that teachers should have no emotional response, that we should be mind-readers and know *their* 'right way' of doing things. I have had some of the rudest encounters with parent-- more rude than anything I experienced in years of food service, and even more rude than when I worked in a machine shop. So, while her timing was not ideal, it's worth having a bit of compassion. You don't know what was upsetting her....
"My 4 year told her today he would kick her butt if she didn't give him cookies. According to my babysitter, (I do believe it based on what I have seen.) The teacher seemed upset about his comment. "
Well, here's an annoying situation. We are modeling in a zero-tolerance for violence/violent speech classroom the correct way to "ask" for something, not to threaten, and a child says something provocative and threatening. Is it a real threat that can be carried out? Nope. That said, as a teacher, I would have my antennae perked up, because I have a child who is A. Threatening my authority with physical violence and B. is coming into my classroom and the community of others with this sort of threat/behavior present in his mind. I would be correcting his comment in a heartbeat, and likely, would have the child sit alone until they were ready to talk about their comment, to check in with me, and were ready to play in a friendly way.
In my experience, your blaming the teacher for her reaction, while dismissing what your son said is one of the blind spots in parents whose children have the potential for developing into bullies. Somehow, it's everyone else's fault for not seeing the threat as benign or a joke. You do your son a disservice by not taking his angry words seriously, because he's expressing *anger* and hostility. I can assure you, if you choose to excuse this, sweep it under your parental rug, it will get worse. I have seen it happen. I've had parents of children with severe acting-out behaviors blame me for everything under the sun-- and you know what, even when their children got new teachers, the behavior didn't improve. If we teachers don't receive support-- and honest awareness- from the parent, it is ultimately the child that suffers. We want your children to do well. We take no joy in seeing a child become another teacher's daily challenge, and we know that the child is the one who will suffer most in life when these actions go excused/unchecked by parents.
"He was crying when she arrived and the teacher seemed to be annoyed at him."
Sometimes, kids do push and push teachers, and when the child finally 'gets it' (because we've put them to sit alone, or another child has gotten up the nerve to tell the offending child off), we teachers know the offending child has finally "gotten it". When a correction is necessary, and the child cries because they realize they *have* made mistakes, it is important NOT to buffer the child from their own emotions, but to let them feel the powerful feelings of having been in the wrong. It is through their own emotions that children are able to recognize the wrong that they did (far more effective than any teacher-based correction alone) and decide that they will want to do better next time to avoid those feelings. As a teacher, I do not stand in the way of that moment, and when I've corrected a child who then bursts into tears, I give them space to cry and am still firm that it is "not" all okay. They have done something wrong and need to learn that this isn't allowed in my classroom. I don't berate them, but I don't give comfort in that moment. It would be like consoling an adult who hurt someone else egregiously. We step back and let the child self-censor, because we don't want them to think that those feelings should be soothed. They are powerfully informative.
'He doesn't know how to always express himself. What do I do? '
This is a good question, to me. Aside from the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk" (amazing book!), you can also help him by giving him feedback. So when he says threatening things, notice this and tell him A. what is offensive about his words and B. what's the emotion/message/request behind the original statement and how he can rephrase it. A threat in lieu of a request is offensive to anyone. Learning how to ask for things in a polite and friendly way is a life skill; learning how to say "I would like...." is necessary for staying in community with the other children. So this is one area I would really work on.
Lastly:
" I called the school, spoke to one of the directors. He thinks I should set up a meeting with her and one of the Directors. Again, if she has something against him, won't this make it worse? I know it shouldn't but how am I going to know, really?"
My guess is that you and this teacher need to clear some air. It could be that she's frustrated because she doesn't feel supported by you. It could be that you are transferring your feelings toward the teacher onto her in assuming she doesn't like you, when it seems that you patently do not have patience for her. Understand that she's a human being too, with not just your child in her group but many others. Sit-down communication is so important when parents are upset toward teachers in the way you are. You are both coming to the table with your concerns, so putting the child at the center of the conversation is important, because he's the reason you are in each other's lives. Having the director present can help and in this situation, I would say it's essential. I think your idea of trying to stick with it is a good one, and making a plan for progress is important. I hope all this can work out, that you can understand that the teacher has the right to being offended when offenses do arise and that your son needs support in figuring out how to move through his school day without saying provocative things to either the teacher or his schoolmates.
Good luck and I hope everyone present at this conversation can keep their ears open.
