What to Do with a Jealous Stepson

Having had a similar experience I can only suggest what worked for us. We discovered that the child was feeling displaced. Children do not understand the difference between child and adult love. They onle understand the feeling of being loved. We explained to the child that no one woulod ever replace her in our lives, that now she was loved twice as much and not less. She would always be a piece of her Daddy's heart and not one thing in life would ever change that. It took time, lots of reassurance but eventually the jealousness wore off.

JMO, but it sounds like there is something else going on with him- probably at his mother's house. I definitely think more needs done, like therapy. He has issues that you probably are not going to be able to resolve yourselves. I don't agree that you and your husband should stop showing affection while he's around...

Aww, poor little guy! (I'm sure it's not easy for you, either, but you're 25, he's 8, and having a son myself, my heart goes out to him.)

I wonder.....do you think that his mom may have said something to him, or in front of him, about how you and his dad will probably have a baby soon? (Whether you're planning it yet or not doesn't matter.) Since he just started this behavior lately, I'm thinking this is a good possibility.

So in his little mind, not only are his mom and dad no longer together, and his dad married to someone else, but now there is going to be a BABY??!! A baby will replace him - he doesn't live with Daddy, but that baby will. And he's probably had lots of attention from you, but when that "dumb baby" comes, he/she will be your "real" child.

And maybe his mom did NOT say something, but the realization has come to him on his own. You've been married a year, it's a natural progression. If this is the case, no wonder he's upset!

And, even though he probably doesn't know exactly how it works yet, I'll bet he knows that when a man and woman love each other, they kiss and have babies. Most children think that kissing creates babies. At least it starts the ball rolling to what makes babies! :)

So, maybe you and your husband should sit down with him (or bring it up casually when you're out for ice cream, depending on his personality) and have a discussion about how SOMEday he will get a baby sister or brother, and how cool it will be, because he'll be an awesome big brother. BUT, you want him to know that HE will never lose his place in that family, and you both will love him the same or even more. And if he has any questions/concerns/thoughts/feelings that he wants to discuss with you guys about it, you are there to listen to him and explain things.

Blessings, J.

PLEASE consider your stepson's feelings about this major upset in his life!
Keep your physical affection to a minimum when he is around (except for toward him) and make up for it when he is not around.
Make sure that boy gets plenty of hugs and kisses from you both....he needs it!

Gee, think how wonderful it is to have two guys fighting for your affection! That said let's move on.
Sounds like he is jealous of the affection you display towards your husband when he is there. I know it won't be comfortable but I would try the following for a few weeks while he is around and see if it helps. Just do not hug your husband, hold hands with him, sit next to him on the couch, etc. while the young one is with you until after he goes to bed at night and is asleep. Even at the dinner table husband one end, you at the other and son in the middle.
Is his mother affectionate with him? Sounds like maybe she isn't.
Good luck.

Awe! =) My (biological) kids do this sometimes, too. I just think he's crying out for good, positive, loving attention. I'm not even suggesting that you're not giving him attention -- there could be something going on at his mom's, with his friends, etc. Just be patient and loving & try to see if he opens up eventually. And go ahead & kiss his dad -- then, give him a kiss, too! It'll be a goofy game before long. :)

Good luck! God bless!

He is only 8. He will adjust, but for now lay off kissing in front of him.

I can't say that I necessarily agree with the other responders. I don't think that you need to stop displaying affection for your husband. That is a good lesson for children to learn... that people that are married LOVE each other. It does sound like he is jealous though. Perhaps you can increase your physical affection for him. My children will often come between my husband and I if we are hugging or kissing. They say "break up the party". So we grab them and have them join in the hug and then kiss them all. When you sit on the couch, let him sit between you and you can all hold hands. He may just be craving someone loving him the way that you and your husband love each other. Divorce is a difficult thing. Children often fear that if their parents fell out of love with each other, they might fall out of the live with them too. Increasing your affection and time with him might just let him know that instead of losing his Dad, he is gaining another person that loves him!

If it's any comfort to you, our biological kids (both boys) used to do this to us sometimes! They are now teens, so it doesn't happen anymore. I think they just wanted hugs and kisses too. Good luck!

K. Z.

S.,

It's understandable. Limit your public displays of affection in front of him for a while. It's going to take time. Think of it from his perspective. He didn't choose you. His dad did. He's going to be fiercely loyal to his mom. He feels betrayed, confused, and insecure. Don't force it, but offer to hold his hand or spend time with him without his dad. Make cookies or garden or play Nintendo or something with him. He needs to develop a relationship with you. And that takes time and shared experiences...and trust. Be patient. Good luck.

He's 8 years old & your not mom!!!! In his mind, mom & dad should be together period. You don't know what his mom has told him or even said about his dad. Best bet, just hang in there; do some things special with just him & dad's not allowed at all. Keep showing the boy that you love him & it will slowly dawn on him that he now has 2 moms!!!! Sit everyone down (including the ex) & make some ground rules; even to what the boy should call you (like mummy2 or even mumsie) there are videos out there that might help as well. Ask for them at the bookstore. Maybe even go as far as seeing a therapist as a family (ex included)to help with the situation. Remember you are trying to meld two families into one. Good luck.

Sounds like he just wants more attention from you and reassurance that you have accepted him as your "son". He may also have a crush on you. Maybe spend some one-on-one time with him doing some of his favorite activities. You could also have his father spend time doing some "male bonding".

Hi S.,

I know that you must be frustrated. Being a step parent myself, I can empathize with you. I think your husband needs to sit his son down, have a long talk about this, make rules to stop this behavior, have consequences for those rules, and follow through. That little boy is running your house right now and it needs to stop. I would also have your husband maybe spend one evening (more often) with him doing something that gives him a little one on one attention, because attention is what he's trying to get right now.

Best of luck!