What to Do with X's Family Photos?

Updated on May 03, 2011
P.H. asks from Montgomery, IL
24 answers

We have a wall of family photos in a prominant place from a special trip we took to Maui a few years ago. My son and daughter in law are close to the end of their divorce. My son and his son live at our house and he has a serious relationship with a new woman. What do you think I should do with his family picture with his first wife? It's history. She was there and the children still love their mom. I'm in a dilema. I'll apprecialte any ideas.

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So What Happened?

All your answers are thoughtful and considerate. I totally agree with everyone who commented that the grandkids mom is and will always be their mother. I also agree with keeping their family picture out at this time. The new woman in his life does understand. She is very thoughtful, loving and accepting. After reading your responses, I think what I will do is leave the picture up until it' time for a new family photo-like at their wedding. Thanks so much, mommies, it's always so nice to hear several different points of view.

More Answers

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

I would leave them be. Divorce or no divorce - she is STILL part of your family as the mother of your grandchildren. Your grandchildren STILL come to YOUR HOME - just because their parents are divorced - does NOT mean THEY are divorced from her. You can't obliterate her from your life. Your grandchildren STILL need to see that you care for their mother even if your son and she couldn't make the marriage work.

If the new W. can't accept that - then she's not the right W. for your son.

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M.A.

answers from Orlando on

Put them away for your grandson. He will appreciate them some day.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

She's your grandson's mother. I would leave them alone. What message would you be sending to your grandson if you tried to "make her go away" in that way? As for the new "serious" girlfriend, she'll have to deal...and if it offends her--that speaks volumes about her future relationship with your son and your grandson, right?

4 moms found this helpful

M..

answers from St. Louis on

Keep them there. She still is family, she gave birth to your grandchild. If I were the new girl I wouldnt have a problem with it.

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S.N.

answers from Minneapolis on

Quietly put them away for your grandson and take a new picture of him and his dad to fill the empty spot.

3 moms found this helpful

J.C.

answers from Columbus on

Growing up, my Grandpa had pictures of ALL of his childrens' weddings displayed in the hall...two of his daughters married twice, there were two wedding collages for both of them, because they had been married twice. In my home, I have a picture wall which includes memories of MY life and yes, there are pictures of both of my ex husbands (and probably every boyfriend I ever had) displayed there. Why? because they were a part of my life, and you can't just remove parts of your life because you 'don't like them' or 'have moved on'. My life made me ME, why would I want to hide or alter that?

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

We have a couple of pictures of my SIL's ex only because he's in with the family (her kids or the extended family), so your mileage may vary. If you put only some of them away, tell your son that you have these pictures out because they are great pictures of him and the kids. My DH has a few pictures of his ex up not for her sake but for the kids but we talked about it and I'm fine with it. The kids have a mom, whether we adore her or not but the pictures are about the KIDS, not her.

I agree to take down any "couple" photos. Put them away for the kids to view later. I think that it's a juggling act to figure out what to do with photos and relationships. The pictures that we have with xBIL or my DH's ex aren't prominent. They're just in the middle of other family photos and just one or two each.

Over time you can rotate them out and put up similar photos with the new family if he remarries. It will be a process.

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J.R.

answers from South Bend on

If the relationship truly is history, I don't see why the picture would cause any problems. Just move it to a less conspicuous position.

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R.D.

answers from Richmond on

Keep it. We are who we are today because of the things we've been through in the past. She's still going to be in the picture because she's the mother of your grandbaby. My fiance still has pictures of him and his ex's parents because they had been really close; doesn't bother me a bit. Heck, he still has pictures of ex's, as do I, but those are boxed up in the basement ;)

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S.C.

answers from Fort Wayne on

If I were the new girlfriend, I don't know that I would want to see those pictures all the time. She might take it as you prefer the ex over her. I wouldn't throw the pictures away, your grandson might want them at some point. I would replace the photo with a nice one of your son and grandson together.

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A.C.

answers from Savannah on

I remember feeling really upset that my paternal grandma took away all photos of my mom (and asked for the family heirlooms, like the big rug Grandpa got from Egypt and antique record player back?!). I remember feeling really mad because it was HE who cheated on my mom, HE left us, but when I went to grandma's house, it was like they'd done away with my mom. Which meant, to me, that they'd done away with me too. I didn't want to feel like I had to take sides when visiting grandma, so I just didn't visit again....for years. Your married son and his girlfriend can get over it until there's a wedding picture with your grandchildren included to replace it with---that's how I would think.

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F.H.

answers from Chicago on

I vote for simplicity. Ask your son if the photos make him uncomfortable. If so, remove them and hang something else up. If he agrees that it's just a piece of history then you may leave them up. It is great to honor your grandchildren's mom but maybe in a more private place.

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K.S.

answers from Miami on

You can keep one up in an non obtrusive area and can mention to the new girl that isnt this a nice picture of the grand kids but glance over the fact that the ex was in the picture. I remember when I got together with my ex hi mom had one picture in the house of my ex and his but had other family members in the picture. It didnt bother me. Now seeing pictures of this lady all over the place would have not made me happy.

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C.J.

answers from Milwaukee on

A friend of mine has been married four times. She has all her pictures of her ex-husbands. I asked her why she kept them and she said those people made her who she is now. Not sure if I could do the same thing but she doesn't have them out on display, just in photo albums.

I personally love to tease her about her wicked cat eye glasses from the 60s. (She's the same age as my mom so she's 21 years older than me.) I get MUCH enjoyment of making fun of her go-go looking wedding dress. I think she keeps them around to entertain me because I will laugh myself into crying/snorting.

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J.S.

answers from Chicago on

I'd leave the picture but look for an opportunity (or create one) to do new photos including the new woman to add to the photo wall.

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N.P.

answers from Chicago on

if there are any children save the photos to give to the children when they are older. If the kids are in the photo then keep displaying it, as you said it is history and is their life.
If there are no children ask your son what he would prefer - you/he keeping them or giving them back to ex or destroying them.

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M.D.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I would suggest to leave the photos on the wall that contain the soon to be EX and your grandson or grandchildren. She is the mother and therefor always in your family. However, there does not need to be pictures of your son and the soon to be Ex displayed. If it is a family shot leave it on the wall, if it contains your grandson leave it on the wall, all others can be stored for him to have when he is older.

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

My mom has all of the same pics from when me and my ex were together. She has our wedding pic as well as us with our 2 kids. She also has pics of me and my new hubby up with the kids. It doesn't bother me or my husband. Its part of our life, our history and the kids see them every time they are at her house. We are still "family" so what else would you do with them? Good luck with whatever you decide to do! :o)

D.F.

answers from San Antonio on

I think you need to have a conversation with your son before you do anything. Tell him how you feel and ask him what his opinion is. Then make your own decision on what to do. Your grandbaby is the priority. If this new women does not put him as the priority too then there is an issue!

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D.M.

answers from Denver on

Talk to your son. Also be sure to consider your grandchildren's feelings above all. Don't remove pictures of them with their mom. Also if there are some of their mom and dad, they can keep those in their room. If the new girlfriend can't understand this and be ok with it - she should not be in this relationship.

L.A.

answers from Austin on

They are your grandchild's family history, save them for him.

My BIL destroyed EVERY photo, before my sister could get to them.. Now the kids have none of them. We all have tried to gather what we have, but it is not much.. Hardly any wedding photos, pregnancy photos.. pretty sad..

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J.D.

answers from Chicago on

Hi P. H. Leave the photo right there! After all this picture is of your grandchildrens mother and this has nothing to do with his new love (especially if she isn't the reasoning they're getting divorced). To take the picture down could also hurt your grandchildrens feelings.

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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

I am going through the same thing too. My daughter is going through a divorce and has a 3 yr old. Her wedding picture is soo beautiful and I have a couple of beautiful family pictures of them. She gave them to me as gifts and my grandson likes to see them in my house but it bothers my daughter. I agree with saving them for your grandson. Maybe after your son moves out you can hang them in a room where he won't see them all the time but your grandson will be able to see them.
It's funny I went through the same thing when my parents divorced. My mom wanted to get rid of all pictures of my Dad's family, I wanted to keep them. So I put them away and will hang them after she passes.
My daughter's ex hurt her deeply and I totally understand how she feels. I grew to almost hate my ex's Mom, him I just feel sorry for. His mom was overbearing and emotionally abusive, but he worshiped her and so did our children. My daughter has pictures of his family up in her home, I understand, so I say nothing.
My uncle divorced his 1st wife after his daughters were grown up. His 2nd wife would not go to his daughters' homes if they had a picture of their Mom displayed. I always felt it was an over the top reaction. No matter what she will always be their Mom. The 2nd wife wouldn't go to the grandchildren's b-day parties or other events if the 1st wife was planning to attend. I hope your son finds a woman who understands that no matter what he will always be tied to his 1st wife through their child.

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C.F.

answers from Chicago on

It's your house, they will eventually get married and move somewhere else. If it makes you feel more at ease you could reduce the number of photos with the ex, but she is apart of your family through your grandchildren at least and to totally remove her from the family wall is wrong on so many levels. Your son was married and had children with this woman and she will always be connected to your family. Honor that for your grandchild, maybe put some of the pictures in his room. I would still leave some on the family wall though.

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