What to Tell Mom of Violent Child?

Dear K's Mom, I usually let my girls pick the kids they want to have play dates with so when they ask about K I will set it up in the calender. In the mean time if you would like to have coffee while the kids are at school that would be lovely.

As the parent of a child with ADHD who was kicked out of preschool for behavior like you've described (a parent complained and got him kicked out), I can offer some perspective.

It may seem like she's not disciplining, but fact is she's probably doing everything in her power just to hold herself together and not make a scene. When you have a child doing mortifying behavior, you're under the spotlight and it can be hard to know what to do in public. If you're too firm, people glare at you, if you're too soft in how you handle things, same thing. This doesn't mean she's not doing everything possible to correct his behavior at home, but public can be a much tougher beast.

Here's what I would say in response,
"I feel I need to be honest with you. While I can see that K is really a sweet boy, his more violent tendencies have made my daughters a bit frightened of him. Have you discussed his challenges with a doctor yet? I know sometimes kids can have medical conditions that cause these types of challenges. He seems like a genuinely good-hearted boy and not a bully, so that's the only reason I bring this up. I wish you all the best, your name."

To me, I would have appreciated the honesty, while also appreciating that someone actually saw the good in my child, too.

I think a short response to her email should be fine. And I also wouldn't be shocked to see K kicked out in the near future, so any form of kindness you can give to the mom will mean a lot.

I would just let her know that the girls don't want to play and one if them is afraid of him because he hits. Maybe suggest a date in the future if he no longer hits others or threatens others. At this point it is not new to her so I would hope she would be understanding.

What if you could be the example of how kids his age should behave and actually be an inspiration to this M.. Sometimes we may not have what it takes, but others can influence us to change. (You've done great in offering the book and she was willing to read it) If you have such a problem with her son, why not tell her you would not mind having a play date, but you believe her son should be more disciplined and if she doesn't mind you telling him the right way to respond, then you might consider. Give her the choice to meet or not meet but with the option to help her son behave. If she welcomes the idea, then you have a chance to change the problem and if she refuses, then you have your wish - no play date. Good luck.

Maybe find out from the director at the preschool IF she told this mom about the issue your girls have with K. If she knows, then there is no sense beating around the bush. If she doesn't know, you should still be honest but maybe sugar coat is a bit.

Either way you could say something like "The Children's Museum or park sounds lovely but I don't think we can make it. Kim, I don't want to hurt your feelings but my girls are upset by K's behavior and since they are in preschool together already I hate to do that to them on the weekends too."

Worse than the behavior as a whole what disturbs me is the running in traffic. Sounds like a bit of ADHD-like behavior. I don't like to through labels on kids but any child not being disciplined is going to act up but a child with ADHD that isn't being disciplined has virtually no chance of behaving because they can't even begin to control their behavior if no one is trying to help them do so. Running in traffic and similiar behavior is quite dangerous and if something were to happen to him this mom would WISH she had raised her voice instead of just hoping he would behave.

It sucks when being honest is the hard thing to do. I am sitting here trying to think what I would do in the situation, and ugh...being honest would be really difficult!

I would try to be honest (and gentle) and just say that when you brought it up to your girls, they said that they were scared of K because he hits them. Ask her what she thinks YOU should do. "you know Mrs. K, I talked to my girls and actually they said that K is pretty scary bc he hits them....so, I'm not sure how to go about a playdate!?" Then you are putting it back on her. And at least you are responding in an email! Less awkard.

Good luck!

It sounds like it's time for some real honesty. Tell her no thanks and then tell her why. Let her know that you understand that K can be a sweet boy sometimes, but that more often than not he's aggressive, hitting, etc. Tell her you don't let your children play like that and that your children have told you specifically that they don't enjoy playing with K because of how he acts. Let her know that it's not personal, but K's behavior has gotten so out of control that you just can't bring your children around him. Give her some suggestions as to who to talk to at the school to get advice and help from for her and K. If she gets mad, fine.

Maybe be honest like others have suggested - your girls don't want to play with him because his behavior is an issue. Maybe that will help her to realize that she needs to do something about it, because pretty soon her son will have no friends and will be struggling socially unless she is more proactive and gets him the help he needs.

My heart goes out to you, I hate being put on the spot. You have to be honest with her. She likes to pretend there isn't a real problem. However, if she keeps hearing it over and over then she may try to do somthing about it. I would say something like this back to her... "Dear K's mother, I'm going to have to decline your offer. I also need to make you aware of a few things. My daughters do not feel comfortable around K anymore. They are actually a little scared of him because of his behavior. Playdates should be a fun time for the kids, and my children have already told me it's not. Maybe at a later date we could do this, but not at this time. I truly do not mean to hurt your feelings." or something like that.

Be honest and direct, you have to do what's best for your girls.

Good Luck!

T.,

The parents of the troubled child met with the school yesterday and then you receive an email asking for a "play date" with your girls, who are not only afraid of the child, but don't want to play with him.

The best thing you can do for the child and his parents is to be honest. I know it's hard. If you could meet with her for coffee and say what's on your mind face to face, that would be great. Again, I know this is hard and maybe you just can't. If this is the case, email her back and just say that her son has been hitting other children and remind her about the "tree branch" incident last year. Let her know that you realize no parent wants to hear negative things about their kids or their parenting skills and you ordinarily wouldn't say anything, but you needed her to know why your girls didn't want to play with KK and you didn't want to give a flimsy excuse.

Hard situation for everyone concerned.

Blessings.....

You just say, No.
You cannot.

Or you just be honest and say that your children are not comfortable with K and they are scared of him.

Or you say that your girls are at the stage/age where they just like playing with other girls.

But I would just be totally honest with her.
And she has to get a grip on that and on her son and the reality is causes.

I'd be honest. Say your children are afraid of him because of his violent behavior and you don't feel like forcing them to play with him is a good idea. Then say until his behavior is more age appropriate and less frenzied and violent, you don't feel a playdate is a good idea at the moment.

I know you don't want to hurt her feelings... but you should definitely put your children's feelings ans safety first.

I would go with being honest on how you feel it may bring some insight to her that she needs to raise K with some respect,& discipline..The school is now involoved & families are pulling their children out of summer camp that says alot.I know I wouldn't do a playdate & pretend we like the family

I've never had to deal with this, but the only thing I can think is that you can be honest in a kind and concerned way? If he's running into traffic and has such violent tendencies, he could be endangering himself. She NEEDS to deal - if you're not friends and not interested in having a relationship with her, and only see her occasionally and socially, perhaps telling her that you are worried for her son, and for your children because of his violent tendencies, she may wake up. At least you'll know you tried. Good luck with this tough situation!

.

Interestingly, I have a friend whose child is the aggressive one at school and it's affecting her friendships. I wouldn't leave my DD with my friend's child unsupervised, but my friend needs the outlet to get together with me, and her daughter needs to be treated normally from time to time (even if I am watching all the time!!) However, I wouldn't make the effort if this weren't a dear friend.

I totally agree with the moms who suggest you kindly explain to the other mom that your kids are afraid. Sounds like the mom is trying to reach out so please talk to her directly and sensitively. But the upshot is, you need to protect your child and since these people aren't your friends, it's up to you whether you take the time to have a play date.

One of my very best friends had a child like you describe K to be. Many people judged the boy and his parents very harshly. I knew the parents were doing everything they could to try to handle him. When we did playdates I watched like a hawk so my child did not feel scared and wasn't hurt. I also used the playdates as a learning tool to talk about how "not to act".
FYI this boy is now 11 and a very gifted, kind child. He still has alot of energy but plays sports to get his energy out!

Maybe you could still have the play date and have it outside at a park where you can keep a close watch on your girls. During the play date both moms and the kids could do an activity together so your girls won't be alone with the boy.

If you are really against the idea I would make something up about not getting together with the kids but suggesting the 2 of you go out for coffee or lunch while the kids are in school. I bet she just wants someone to talk to about her son. Maybe meeting with her first will give you a chance to really be honest with her about her sons behavior.

I was in your shoes a few years ago and I avoided the situation...just ceased to invite or accept invitations and now 15 years later I have no idea where that friend and her family are.
In your position, I'd say be honest with her. You don't have a relationship now so you can't lose that friendship...be honest and give her your best advice. She needs to be told that unless she and her husband put some boundaries on their son or he will get worse and worse. don't be afraid to tell the truth. you can't loose what you haven't got. and you might just gain a real friend out of it. I said nothing while in your shoes and lost a real friend.

It would have been interesting to be a fly on the wall while that school intervention was going on.
I think you need to tell her a play date is never going to happen, that her son scares your daughter and he frightens you a bit too.
You don't know what kind of help he needs but you hope he gets some.
She can leave the book at school for you to pick up.
Is it possible your name came up in the school meeting?
Is it possible she's fishing for info on what you said to the school?
It's very possible.
I would not discuss it with her.