When Therapy Doesn't Work?

T.,

I remember hearing you talk about your step-daughter before, so I went back and read all your posts about her. Wow! I can see how frustrating this situation is for you and your family. I also see how terribly sad it is for your step-daughter. We are going through a very similar situation. I have tried many of the same things as you and have felt the same way.

However, I truly believe things can change for your family. Go back and read all of your posts about your step-daughter. Nothing you are doing works, so you have to try differently.

Being apathetic really defines itself as depression. I can almost guarantee that deep down she is sad and fearful. She lost her mother, regardless of their relationship at that time. Think about children and their mothers. This is a primary, symbiotic relationship in life. Mother-Children relationships is where children learn how to love, to trust, to care for others, know what is right/wrong, happiness....etc. Not having that relationship, sets up a child for failure. And in her eyes, you are taking away the only other family relationship that she has had: her dad !

Of course she is going to hate you. Of course she does things for attention....she wants positive attention. Think about it....if a child is happy/content and has a good life, will she want to lie and do negative things to get attention? No, she won't need to do those things. Of course she is apathetic about life......what does she have to look forward to in her current life?

Everything about her and discussed about her is negative......she doesn't care, she doesn't play outside, she doesn't want to shower or bathe, she doesn't have many friends at school, she lies......etc. Please put yourself in her shoes and feel her behaviors and actions. When children feel loved and happy, they behave well and want to have fun and play outside, have good friendships and family relationships, act positive, do good things for their family. Do you see where I am going with this?

Your definition of happiness for her and how she should act/be/do, is only your definition and thoughts, not necessarily hers. You have to see her perspective of happiness right now.

I'm not condoning her destructive behaviors or telling you to let her run wild, but getting you to understand where it all comes from within her. Change your perspective, look in from the outside of your family. Since things aren't working, change it up and do things differently. Be positive. Ignore her behaviors unless they are hurtful. Reward the good things from her, no matter how little. Talk positive about her and to her. She probably knows how/what you think/feel/say about her and all of your frustration....don't let her know! let her hear only the good and positive. Get her teachers to do the same. You are playing tug of war with her; let go of the rope! Pick your battles......re: the check for the trip at school; she asked for it in advance probably because she cared about the trip and wanted to make sure she was going. So what? give it to her in advance. this didn't have to be a problem.....and she didn't end up going. If this was something she cared about, it was squashed, and the cycle continues for her to not care. To feel love, you have to be loved. i'm not saying she is not loved at home......but SHE has to feel it.....consistently.

i recommend intensive family therapy and a new anti-depressant medication.....keep trying until one works......and do not send her to boot camp......it will only crush any little glimmer of hope and spirit she has left.

Sorry for the long message......I was a family therapist for years

Pam

T.,

I am using Mike's computer. I am Karen and I am a grandmother.

My advice....if you move forward forming this family all the children are precious. Never let go of a single one of them. You don't give much information, but I assume you haven't tried changing counselors? Try that. There are wonderful child/teen counselors out there that can make a difference.

The main point is: NEVER GIVE UP ON A CHILD. Children with problems (and I had two) will overcome them with the right guidance and care. Educate yourself on the issues your soon to be stepdaughter is facing....and NEVER GIVE UP ON A CHILD.

Remember what it says in Corintians: Love is patient and kind, never boastful or jealous. Love does not insist on its on way. If you love someone you will be loyal to her. You will always believe in her, always expect the best of her, and always stand your ground in defending her.

There's more...in whatever version of the Bible you use...1 Corinthians Chapter 13.

Hang in there T.....Love conquers all.

Karen

If you believe in God, take her to church and get therapy done there. If you don't, and she is really out of hand,try a low keep boot camp. I hope you believe in God because the first suggestion I gave you would be the one I would pick. She sounds like she is lacking something in her life or maybe has had a traumatic life (in her eyes) and doesn't know how to deal with it. Pray and christian guidance will help that. It will alsw help her see her self worth.

I would switch the therapist, and see if that helps.

Try taking daughter to a child psychiatrist (not scary, but valuable in receiving proper ecaluations) for a comprehensive medical evaluation. Also if your daughter is not responding to this therapist, get a recommendation from the psychiatrist for a professional therapist that focuses on her diagnosed needs. It sound like she is being defiant and possible associated anxiety issues. There is help, but you have to be her advocate...educate yourself, ask questions of the professionals. Communicate with her school often, requesting assistance. I am a advocate of proper medications, they will help her be successful, cope, and have a less stressful adolesence. Girls have the propensity to be very emotional at this age and need all the help they can get! I taught students with special needs for 11 years and have two daughters, now grown. We all made it through those years but it was not easy. And I did seek medical interventions which helped to ease our way through the more emotional periods. W. M.

Hi there. Do you, your fiance and/or his daughter know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? Without him life IS "hopeless and lost" like you said. Several others here have mentioned church, which is definitely a good start -- but "church" is only one piece of the puzzle, not the solution (giving your life to Jesus is). If you'd like to send me a private message and let me know what area you live in, I'd be happy to tell you about my church (it's located in Glen Allen) or help find one near you.

Hi, sounds as if you have really taken on a big job!
My first advice would be to change therapists. The second would be to have the 2 of you see someone separately. 10 is a difficult age but it is going to get very difficult in the next couple of years. Girls are are handful in their early teens.
I have raised 3 children, the girl who was the baby was hardest as a teen, one boy was difficult between 18 and 22.
God Bless- you need help, but what you are getting obviously is not doing the job.

So good of you to keep trying so hard with your step-daughter. She's lucky to have you it sounds like. Will you and your family consider going to a Christian church for help with this situation? You'd find a lot of support there and many offer free counseling. If you can find one with a good, active, loving youth group, that might really help your step-daughter (and all of you). I had a pretty difficult childhood (family problems - divorces, etc.) and my mom finally started going to a great church (when I was a teenager) and I got really involved with the youth group. It was a lifesaver for me. I'll pray for you. God bless!

T.,
The stepfamily situation is alway a hard one, I recommend www.secondwivescafe.com as a great resource with many many women in similar situations.

Well I was the step daughter once. Try not pushing her to hard. She will come around when shes ready. I'm not sure of whats going on,but may just be rebellion against you guys for getting married or the fact she stuck in between that place where shes not quite still a kid,but not a teenager. So try and let her know you are there if she needs you and just let it be. But if things are more than just young teen stuff maybe you need to look in other directions. I hope everything works out for you.

Hello T. W, first of all what type of therapy is she getting? And how old is she? Well none of that really matters. The answer to your problem is...GOD. He has the answers to all the problems you are incountering now and in the future. Because he created us all great and small and if you ever want to know how to figure out a problem is with anything you go to the manufactor and GOD is our manufactor. If you dont have a relationship with him my suggestion is to start one NOW! and watch him work it out. BELIEVE in HIM and he will help you. Iam a mother of three, two sons, 15 and 13 and a 7 years old daughter and I also have a 14 year old step daughter that thinks the world owes her something but we have put her in GOD's hand and he is working that thing out NOW.So I know from experience that no therapy or counselor or nobody can do what GOD can do and he will because he says it in his WORD and his Words do not return unto him Void, which means what ever he sent it out to do it is done. GOD bless you and your family. P. S

I am a divorced mother with an 11 year old daughter. Having a daughter near the same age I can only wonder the thousand and one things that might be going on with her. Coming from a divorced family and dealing with tween life and girls the way they are so much more competitive these days than they were even ten years ago in the schools complicates her life even more. Just ask the teachers. To top things off the pressures to learn so much more in school is more than it was a number of years ago. Open yourself up to understanding if she has been sent to therapy for the past two years this might just be another event in her life that she just feels she must deal with. It's very possible the person or persons she's been working with are not appropriate for her on various levels. I found my daughter enjoyed working with the school counselors best and when possible with groups of kids her age with similar problems. I don't know what her issues are but after a couple of years of what you feel are unsuccessful counseling it might be worthwhile for her parents to enter counseling, without her and then eventually with her concent with her. My guess is she is more aware of her surroundings and what is going on with the adults than they are aware of. Children are much more attune to our feelings and our reactions then we imagine. Don't give up on her.