Where Should My Son Sleep?

Updated on June 05, 2007
M.P. asks from Gardner, KS
17 answers

My son is 10 mos old and currently shares a bed with me. My husband says he should be sleeping in his crib by himself. my son naps in his crib, and is capable of putting himself to sleep. This isn't affecting my husband at all, he sleeps in a seperate bed because of our schedule differences. I feel that my son will be grown soon enough and the only time we get to cuddle is when we go to sleep at night. i don't plan on him sleeping with me forever, and don't understand why my husband is so sure this is bad for him. Is it wrong or unhealthy to allow my son to continue to sleep in bed with me?

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A.B.

answers from Wichita on

I understand how you feel completely, and it isn't wrong by any means to let him sleep with you. I should let you know from experience though, that if it doesn't stop soon, it will be next to impossible to get him to sleep in his own bed. It took me a very long time to ge my daughter to sleep in her own bed after i let her sleep with me for so long.

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K.D.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Well I'm going to get real with you since no one else is. I see that you are in Kansas and I tried to get some information on Kansas but I couldn't find it so I'll give you the Oklahoma stats. Last year, 2006, 21 children died from sleeping with parents, the oldest was 11 months, but most were 6weeks to 4 months old. It's nice to bond but it is unsafe, there are other ways to bond.

Some will disagree with this, but sometimes we need to speak the truth and deal with reality.

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N.D.

answers from Kansas City on

It's not wrong to have your child sleep with you. But, the longer this goes on the harder it will be to get him to sleep in his own bed at night by himself. I know from experience as I'm sure alot of moms have that nothing can be more frustrating than the constant screaming & carrying on when trying to but your child to bed in their own room. It's definitely a hard habit to break. My advise is that since he is 10 months old, he needs to start sleeping in his own room before it becomes a problem. Believe me, the stress of habit breaking can take a toll on you & your husband when your trying to sleep yourselves. Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

S.L.

answers from Kansas City on

First of all, it's not wrong as in morally. Don't let anyone try and convince you that you will somehow harm your son emotionally by co-sleeping.

However, what will work long term depends on how you see things changing. Will your schedules remain different for awhile? The longer you do this, the harder it will be to change it. We have co-slept with my 6 year old since birth. Because of many reasons my husband and I now do sleep in separate beds and have for the last year or so. My daughter takes turns sleeping with us. But before we started sleeping separately, we had to find ways to get our own private time in. I'll be real blunt here. I have spoke with people that say they actually had marital relationsions in bed with their child sleeping. I don't believe that would be right. But if you are not having a problem with your husband because of this, then I don't believe it's wrong. It's just that if you think you will easily change this later it's not going to happen.

I like to tease, only I'm really pretty serious. We got our 3rd daughter out of our bed when she was 9 years old. We had our 4th daughter one year later. You can do the math. We tried and tried to get her out of our bed. She would bounce back all the time. But you wanna know what? We love our girls and they are happy, independent girls with great personalities. I think it's great for families to feel close.

So the real question is, what do you want and when will you want to change it?

Suzi

1 mom found this helpful
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L.K.

answers from Springfield on

I could write so much on this topic. Both of my boys have slept with us and it has worked. My 3 year old now sleeps on a pad on the floor next to our bed. When I feel the time is right we will move him into his own bed. He doesn't even want to sleep in our bed any more because he is so proud of himself for sleeping in his own bed. I miss having him right next to me, but I am also proud of him. Some day he will be too big to cuddle with me, so I am so glad we did have the cuddle time together when he was a baby. You and your husband will just have to work out what works for you.

I really think babies should sleep next to their parents where they feel safe and warm. I don't want to sleep by myself and behind bars. Why would I do that to my baby? Still, I don't judge parents who do put their babies in cribs. It is just part of our culture. Follow your heart.

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M.R.

answers from Wichita on

I don't see a problem with it now with your son being 10 mos old, but I also have the same type situation, except my son is 3. The only advice I would give is I do know that the older your son gets the harder it is to break the habit of them wanting to sleep with you. I am dealing with that right now. And we've tried and tried to get him to slepp in his own bed and some nights he does and some he doesn't. I really think when they're ready to sleep in their own bed they will. I'd treasure your cuddle time now.

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S.M.

answers from Oklahoma City on

It really is a personal choice but you have to think of your husband and your son both.
If your relationship with your husband is suffereing because your son is in the bed then its best to start him sleeping in his own bed even if you have to put a bed in your room so he can be near you at first then gradually get him in his own room.
My oldest slept with me and my husband until he was around 4 yrs old and it was h*** o* us for a bit.
Talk to your husband ask him why he has a problem with your son sleeing with you, and tell him if he really has a problem with it then have him help you get your son in his own bed by having him get up in the middle of the night to console your son if he wakes up upset and wants to come in bed with the both of you.
Let him be a part of the change, not just you so he can see just how hard it it to put him in his own bed.
Good luck

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J.E.

answers from Oklahoma City on

What you are doing is inline with attachment parenting and as one of the other ladies said, there is nothing wrong with your child feeling safe and trusting you. Look up attachment parenting benefits as reference to show your husband that your instincts will have long term benefits for your son.
My daughter slept with us completely until she was 1 1/2. We pushed her new bed next to our bed and by the time she was 2 1/2 she was sleeping across the room in her own bed. Yes, she crawled into bed quite a lot when we started out, but it was a slow natural process and I don't mind getting my morning cuddle in before waking up when she occasionally climbs into bed with us. She just turned 4 and doesn't have her own room yet, but both my husband and I feel safer with her in the room.

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J.J.

answers from Kansas City on

My opinion is that it is just going to get harder to get him to go to bed by himself (the more you let him sleep with you). He'll become dependant on you as he would in the situation of a bottle/pacifier. Maybe you could try gradually getting him into his crib. Start out one or two nights a week: he sleeps in his crib, then each week add a day that he sleeps in his crib. It might be easier on both of you to get used to not sleeping together. I think that it is great that you have a bond with your son like that. Physical touch is important! Just try to move it to the day time would be my suggestion. Good Luck!

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D.O.

answers from Kansas City on

I know it is a personal preference, but I feel the longer you let a child sleep in your bed, the harder it will be for them to stay in their own bed at night. I never let my daughters sleep with us, not even when I was nursing. They slept by themselves as soon as I brought them home. They are now 4 and 2 1/2 and have never wanted to crawl in to bed with us, which means we all sleep better. But that's just my personal opionion. Just do what you think is best for both of you!

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W.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Hi M.,
I don't think it's wrong in anyway at all, but I'm sure your husband would like you in his or your bed for a few minutes or hours. I also think that if you were to wait any longer to try and start getting him in his bed it will take longer.

My kids come and sleep with my husband and I for various reason through out the nights. So it's not like its uncommen.

Also for you personally you should just decide what you want to do. I think your husband just wants his wife back rather than your son always having his mommy.
Hope this helps W.

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J.W.

answers from Tulsa on

I disagree that the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get him to sleep on his own. I didn't have that issue with my daughter at all. Our bed was a little crowded though because my husband did sleep in the same bed. So maybe she was ready to get out! Now we're sort of the opposite of you, she naps in my bed and sleeps through the night in her own. Your son already naps in his own crib, just ease him into sleeping all night there too. Make it an occasional thing - when you're both ready to begin the process. You could also gently move him from the bed and into the crib once he's asleep. As he becomes accustomed to waking up in his crib, he'll become comfortable with falling asleep for the night in it.

I'm sure your husband does want his wife back and there is nothing wrong with that either. Perhaps at night, once your son is asleep you can slip out of bed and cozy in with your husband.

Two things to think of: It could be a bad situation if you allow it to grow into a competition between your son and your husband when it comes to your time and affection. On the other hand, I don't think there is anything wrong with our children learning that we are always there for them - even in circumstances that seem mundane to us. It builds Basic Trust and that is something that babies need.

For more information about Basic Trust use this link:

http://www.alleydog.com/glossary/definition.cfm?term=Basi...

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J.B.

answers from Kansas City on

M., there is nothing wrong with co-sleeping. You follow your mommy instincts and do what you feel is right for you and your son. Maybe daddy is trying to instill some "manliness" in his son, so to speak, by suggesting he sleep in his crib. Just reassure your DH that your son will definately sleep in his crib when you are both ready and it is really no big deal to share a bed with him while he is a baby.

Also, when you do transition him, do it gradually. Start out by letting him fall asleep in your bed then move him to the crib and let him get used to waking there. After a while (you'll know how long feels right) try establishing a bedtime routine in his nursery and laying him in his crib. Use your judgement on whether you need to wait a day or two to try again if it didn't go well. Using the same wind down routine at naptime and bedtime is also a good idea.

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D.T.

answers from Tulsa on

This can be a hard thing to break especially if he's fulfilling a need by staying in your bed because your husband isn't there. You really have to consider what your motive is. Furthermore, cuddling while he's asleep isn't fulfilling his need for contact because he's asleep and can't really interact with you.

I still co-sleep with my youngest and he's 3 but, he starts out in his bed most of the time. Eventually he will end up with us during the night. This works for us only because we have 2 twin beds pushed together with the matresses lashed together for extra safety. (don't want anyone falling through the middle gap) This way my husband and I are sleeping independently when we need to and can be close when we want.

Our main motivation for getting the boys out of our beds though is convenience. It all came home for us when I had to spent 2 nights in the hospital after an ectopic pregnancy. My husband realized that co-sleeping alone wasn't that great. Now we make a concerted effort to start their sleep out in their own beds and return them to their beds when offending things like storms and bad dreams have passed. Consider what your husband would go through if this happened to you and talk it out with him now.

Co-sleeping is a highly emotionally charged issue but so is the lack of a marital bed when you co-sleep or sleep apart.

Good luck on your decision.

J.G.

answers from Oklahoma City on

The reason I would stop the co sleeping is b/c it is so easy for them to get used to it and by the time you know it, they are 9 years old sleeping in your bed with you. Also I am sure your husband would like to have atleast some time every once in awhile to sleep or atleast be in bed with his wife (you) alone. You can set aside some time for you and your son to cuddle before he goes to bed in his crib and it will still be just as special. Good luck!!

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A.H.

answers from Kansas City on

I think it makes great sense for your son to still be sleeping with you. I have three children, my youngest 2&1/2. My first two slept with my husband and I until they were 18 months old, then we gave them their own bed when I weaned them from breastfeeding. My 2 year old is still sleeping with us, though I weaned her at about 15 months. She is such a snugglebug, I love waking up to see her happy smile every morning. Or a foot in my face :o) I am enjoying her during these memorable times while I can. Time flys. I suggest you do what feels right and best for your son. i think it is totally healthy and am pro co-sleeping! Good Luck

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R.W.

answers from Kansas City on

I think you should do whatever you want to. Our son slept with us for quite a while. The only bad thing is the older they get the harder it is to break them of the habit. He is 3 now and wants us to lay with him in the evening and will come into our room still if he wakes up at night. Love the munchkin, but he is all over the bed!

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