Who Does Everything for You When You Are on Bed Rest?!

Updated on September 29, 2010
S.J. asks from Cherryville, MO
9 answers

I have been on bed rest now for about 7 weeks. I still have 9 weeks to go. I had some friends and family help by making meals (about one per week) during the first month or so. My hubby also was doing more during that time period, as he was very afraid of us losing the baby. Let me be very clear - I have always done EVERYTHING inside the home, all cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids, etc - even though I work full time. Hubby has NO idea how to cook or clean - but he HAS TRIED - it is just that his efforts have stopped/slowed down significantly. It seems as though the "scariness" has worn off for everyone and I am now left to my own devices.

Now that I am getting closer to term (31 weeks), no one is helping anymore. I have found myself up WAY more than I should be because honestly, I wouldn't eat or have clean underwear if I didn't. I am home for 9 plus hours alone all day, and we have two other kids who need fed and clean clothing to wear. (Kids are at school during the day, thankfully). If I don't do the laundry, it won't get done. Same with meals (or they would consist of frozen bag meals and pizzas filled with preservatives and nitrates - perfect for my growing baby).

Thankfully, even though I have been up more, I have had no problems. (contractions were the issue 7 weeks ago, none now). I have no family in the area, and even though I do have friends, they have lives and jobs and families of their own. My in laws live about 40 miles away. We have hired a cleaning person to come in once every two weeks, but that is all we can afford right now, and it doesn't really help but for a few days after they come.

My question is, when you were on bed rest, who helped you, how did you get through it and how on earth can you lay around for 4 months when no one is doing anything for you?! I have let go of the idea of having a clean house, but even the basic necessities still need to be met in a household of 4. I will ask my DH to do the laundry - his response lately is usually "I'll get to it". Then, 2 days later, still no clean clothes. (Whereas in the beginning of my bed rest, he insisted on my laying down). I am still gestating people! I feel so absolutely helpless and needy. What can I do to get through this?

And PS - I am IN BED writing this - I promise! lol (laptops are great!)

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Some have, in the past, suggested creating a list for DH to follow. That is good in theory, but he will only do those things he thinks absolutely need done, if that. For example, if I put 1-5, pick up kids, do one load laundry, cook dinner (he can't cook, so this translates to order pizza), pick up bedroom and fold towels, 1 and 3 will get done, 2, 4 and 5 won't. If I say anything, I am nagging. He is tired and doesn't see most of the things on "the list" as necessities. Maybe they aren't.....I am so tired of worrying about it. Who needs clean underwear anyway, right?!

Also, Sundays are "his" day - he refuses to do any housework/chores on that day. So, I have to try to fit everything in on weekdays after work or Saturdays.

More Answers

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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

OK -your husband needs to get it together. These are special circumstances and he's just going to have to suck it up and deal! Sunday aren't his "day" anymore for a long time. Do you also have a "day"? Something tells me you don't... This is his child too as well as the other kids you have and you're his wife and it's his house. It's never too late to learn! You need to call on your in laws even though you may not be dying to do that -they could probably provide some decent help. 40 miles really isn't that much -many people commute longer than that one way every day. Create a task list for hubby and have it be mandatory things he must do on that day -for example: Monday -wash towels and kids' clothes; clean bathrooms (he can do those things in one evening); Tuesday -wash adult clothes and vacuum or mop or sweep really good; Wednesday -wash other things that need it -kitchen towels, sheets, etc. and dust furniture. Before he sits his butt down in front of the tv at night -he needs to accomplish these things just like everyone everywhere else does. And I'm sorry -there are so many "heat-n-eat" options at the grocery now -he has no excuse. If he can read; he can cook -boxes of Zatarain's mixes, mac and cheese, the amazing amount of choices for steam-n-bag veggies and pasta and meals, rotisserie chicken -there are thousands of items and a lot of them are pretty healthy that he could be fixing everyone to eat.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.E.

answers from Buffalo on

I wish I lived in your area to help!!!

I would have a good talk to your hubby, grilled cheese, sloppy joes, spagetti, grilled chicken, hot dogs and hamburges are not hard things to make. I would tell him hey you helped make this baby now it is your turn to help protect this baby so he/she can make it into the world healthy!!!

What is your relationship with his mom? If it is good I would call her up and vent, and ask her to talk to him. This is not forever, but dang he is not the king!!.

Definently call a church any church I do not think that in your situation any church would turn you away.

I REALLY wish I could help!!!

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hmmmm...must be nice to have ...a...."day"......not in my vocabulary.

You need to talk to your husband and get him to suck it up and man up about this. He can do simple meals, laundry, etc. Get a bullhorn, if you need to, but STAY in bed.

Can your mom help? Could she or your MIL come and stay for a few weeks if you asked and PAYED for a plane ticket? You need help.

As for the friends/families and the slack off of meals...ask for HELP. Call them and ask. Don't be too proud. Asking for help is better than having your kids eat pizza every night, right?

Are you in a church? Many churches have meal ministries for just this type of thing.

Good luck and...get back into BED! lol

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M.R.

answers from Phoenix on

Even though I was not on bedrest, I was bedridden after a hit and run accident for months.

Here's what I did and my kids were in Pre-K and 2nd grade, so I'm sure your kids can do it too :)

Meals: I brainstormed with the kids and hubby regarding what they are interested and capable of cooking/preparing. Kids ate lots of healthy, organic cold cereals and pre-cooked bacon for breakfast, sandwiches with natural meats and cheese and fruit for lunches, dinner are more family specific. There are tons of websites with easy to prepare meals.....5 ingredients, pop in the oven. Sit at a table or counter top during the day when you feel best, put altogether , pop in the oven early, you can have both lunch and dinner ready for yourself. I still do this now, the kids will eat a big plate of real food when the come home and then have ice cream later in the evening.

Laundry: kids are great at sorting and turning the laundry over. Can you place yourself nearby, put on some nice music, and oversee the sorting? My kids were happy to help with chores, but wanted me nearby. After awhile, they could do the sorting without me.

Dishes: I bought plastic plates, cups and placed them low so the kids could easily load and unload the d/w.

All else, leave for the housekeeper and let go.....

God bless,
Jennifer

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J.P.

answers from Boise on

Do you have a doula for this baby? I have heard of post-partum doulas helping after the fact, but maybe you could hire one for before the fact? What about a mother's helper? Kind of like a babysitter, but maybe just to help you around the house a bit? A younger girl that wouldn't cost as much. She could do more of the necessities like making some frozen meals, doing laundry? Also, talk to your husband. Thank him for all he is doing, but that you need to have certain things also done. You only have 9 more weeks, and the stress of not having food and clothing is not good for your situation.

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L.W.

answers from Detroit on

Can you come up with a list for the hubby to follow? Have him do certain things on certain days may help.

I wish i was near to help because i know how that is...... Are you apart of a church ministry if not reach out to one that is near your home and explain your needs. I know you feel like you should not have to ask your close friends but you should ask them for help if they are really friends they will step in, they maybe just really busy with life and have not realized your familys needs.

AND I AGREE LET GO AND GET BACK IN BED!!!

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A.J.

answers from Kansas City on

I was never on bed rest with both of my children but I have a husband who is not very helpful and not alwasy very good with being helpful. He is good at ordering us around and critizing what we are doing or not doing. (sorry got off track) he does have his good traits. If you could live without clean clothes for a few days, including your husband and when he runs out of clean underwear and clean clothes for work and let him know that the doctor has put you on sticked rules of doing no housework period he might get the hint and does some laundry. If it is too long for to wait on laundry just do enough for your things and your childrens but not your husband. Also, talk to your friends that did help and let them know what is going on and come up with some solutions that they can help with. If they could help you with meals for you and the kids and your husband can be on his own. If you doesn't want to be helpful then do not cater to him, like others say he needs to suck it up. Call your in-laws too and call your parents to see if they could come for a visit to help for a while. Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your baby for a healthy delivery.

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S.M.

answers from St. Louis on

Very first thing you will (not might) do is MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE "MESS". Now you are asking just what am I talking about? This means you must take care of yourself first and most important! So don't do anything else-or the barest minimums you have to do-everything else can wait--really wait!!!! Ok no one is looking at your dust or things out of place-let it go--I promise it will be there waiting for you when you can go do it---and the laundry/cooking/picking up so you don;'t trip over it stuff--Make a list of how-tos in detail for your husband to do--remind him of exactly why you are where you are and cannot do these things--I am sure he will remember with your prompting. Break the list into the absolutely most important stuff (remember what I said about it will wait for you?-It really does!) Do the food/cooking on one chart with numbers this is the easiest for these "boys" that have not helped till now---then the laundry and pick-ups on another chart. Now when you are up and moving around get your tape out and put these charts right in the most obvious place in that room--not where he will run to it but right in his face. This way he will take care to look at it and do what you have suggested on the charts.
When doing your laundry chart don't forget to put on it how much soap and whatever else goes in your loads so he does not guess-they don't guess very well and you don't want a soap trail meeting you in the hall or floating in the basement--not a pretty sight-I promise that! Also what you do for the dryer and do you hang anything? Be sure to tell him what hangs and what drys--the you can get him a supply of hangers for that use. They don't weigh much and are easy to move without hurting you.
Remember what I said in the beginning about the stuff waiting for you-well it does and your job is to remember this and stay where you need to be so all will go safely and without risk!
Stay well and rest a lot and remember when you feel the need to do something AFTER the baby has arrived then go do those "things" that are waiting for you--and if not--- well you got they will wait for you till the ends of time--I still have some projects waiting for me and someday I will get to all of them. My kids are in their 20s now and I made friends with all those "loose ends waiting" and occasionally I will pat them and tell them I will take care of you ---later.

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E.K.

answers from Lawrence on

I agree with many of the other answers. Maybe you could have your OB or the nurse at the OB's office remind him of your limits. Maybe hearing it from someone else will remind him of how important it is for you to REST! I don't know if you are part of a church, but even if you are not, maybe you could contact a church nearby and explain your situation. Often churches of various beliefs have ministries where there are people who are willing to make meals for people who are needing some extra assistance. Even if you can get one meal a week from that. Is there a business in town that makes frozen meals? I know they can be expensive, but again maybe once a week. Then maybe on Sundays you can agree that it is pizza night. Then come up with maybe 3 meals that are easy that he can cook 3 nights a week like soup and grilled cheese sandwiches with cut up fruit or veggies and dip, and another night find some organic frozen waffles and then he could make eggs and waffles and either real or fake bacon (the morningstar "bacon" is tasty...my kiddos love it) and then maybe you could ask a neighbor to make a big batch of spaghetti sauce with veggies in it and put it into 3 or 4 containers and freeze it. All he would have to do is cook up some pasta.
I like the idea of breaking the tasks down so that he can feel like he can handle it. Monday he does a load of socks and underwear and anything else that can fit into one load. Tuesday he does ... and try and give him the minimum number of tasks. Also call your doctor's office and see if they have any resources for you. And if you live in a college town, there are college students you could hire to do a few things too. It sounds like finances are tight, but if you have just 8 or so weeks left, you will have to do what is best for you your baby and your husband/boys.
One last thought...I know as a Mom that if I knew of someone in your situation nearby I would be willing to help. Is there a local MOMS club? So ask for help and as hard as it is and maybe one day you can return the favor.

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