Why Teach Boys to Do Domestic Chores?

What if he never marries or is widowed and has to run his household himself (and raise his kids)? You can't assume he will always have the money to hire a maid/cook/housekeeper.
I think of Dom DeLouise - that man could cook, and a lot of the great chefs out there are men. Yes, cooking can be a chore for many, but for others it's a life long hobby that provides much enjoyment for himself and everyone around him. Why deny boys that potential?

Everyone else is right. I'm just also pointing out that this site is for questions and complaints, so you don't hear about all the good in-law relationships. They are out there, and are probably the majority.

Independence is a good thing. Men or women who are too dependent on their parents and run to them for every little thing don't make good partners.

I have two sons and I'm trying VERY hard to be nice in this response. Would you ask the same question about a daughter? If not, why not? My husband is responsible for 50% of the housework at our home. He lives there too, so he can help keep it clean. This is NOT 1950 and housework is NOT only the job of a woman. My sons are young, but I'm already teaching them how to clean bathrooms and dust, and as they age they will be taking on other chores like vacuuming, laundry, dishes, etc. Has it occurred to you or your husband that your precious son may never get married? Do you want him to live in a filthy pigsty? Do you think he's going to live with you until he marries this DIL who is supposedly going to do everything for him? When he's 25 and single -do YOU want to still be doing his laundry? And finally, why on earth can't he study and do his homework AND do chores and clean? I'm hoping you want to raise a well-rounded human being who can care for himself, and that means that he is going to have to be responsible for more things in life than just going to school or going to work. When he's grown, he'll need to understand how you balance work or school with chores AND social activities.

How on EARTH would teaching your son how to properly clean and do laundry damage your relationship with him?!?! Not all DILs are the same either. I appreciate the fact that my MIL taught her son to clean, because I didn't have to -and he would STILL be responsible for doing 50% of it. I would have great issue with a MIL who had the attitude that just because she had a boy, he never needed to learn how to clean. That's ridiculous.

CherryJam, I am not going to lie. It already sounds like you are gearing up to not like your future DIL.

I am amazed that this post is generated by you being overwhelmed at the MIL / DIL drama you read on here. What about those of us that have to live it??? Before you take a MIL's side and deem all DILs as ungrateful, please realize that some of us have situations with our inlaws that are truly horrible.

I have a 7 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. I will not be watching movies with my son, reading, walking and encouraging him to study while my daughter is doing dishes, vaccuming, scrubbing floors and doing laundry. They will BOTH have equal opportunities for education and learning how to take care of themselves and contribute to their future households.

um yes . .
It teaches responsibility and it's their JOB as part of the family to contribute to the cleaning of the house.
Their future wife is not his maid. And I personally LOVE BOTH , yes BOTH of my mothers in law.
You are letting your husband teach your son that domestic stuff is "woman's work" how very 1950s of you and him. He should be able to do both clean and study. How is it that the rest of us are able to do the same thing. I am currently studying to be an actual rocket scientist yet I manage to get some cleaning done and get my kids off to school and to their activities , etc. I seriously doubt that your son's school work is more demanding that what I have to deal with.
So are you willing to be that mom that goes over to his apartment or dorm and cleans up after him when he goes off to college?
are you going to go to his work place and clean his work space too??

I think this is a 1950s model that says women have certain jobs (cooking, cleaning, laundry) and men just earn a living. Women were miserable in the 1950s, stuck in that role, and sick of not being valued in any other capacity! Men got all the pressure to earn a living and support the family. And they were miserable with all that stress. Now things are "equalized" in terms of work - in many families, both people earn a paycheck in order to survive. yet women still have the bulk of the responsibilities in the home? Women are STILL miserable with this model! I'm afraid your husband is still stuck there. Maybe you don't resent it, and that's fine.

Your son will have a greater sense of accomplishment if he's actually capable. And if you are really just worried about a DIL, remember that your son will have a much greater chance of finding a soulmate and a life partner if he's got some life skills in a variety of areas. Otherwise you will force him into a quick marriage just to find someone to wash and fold his boxer shorts.

I don't think a room has to be SPOTLESS whether it's cleaned by a boy or a girl. But knowing how to set a table, put away groceries, run a vacuum, dust a table, do a load of wash, clean a toilet, cook a simple meal are basic skills.

My son had to clean his room and help with simple chores (clearing the table, putting out the silverware & napkins) from a young age. He folded his laundry and helped me or his father fold the sheets. By 15, he did his own laundry - it kept him from throwing stuff on the floor when it wasn't really dirty, and led him to appreciate the work, hassle and time needed to put clean laundry in his room every day. By putting groceries away and helping with some food prep, he avoided being the kid who marched in the door and yelled "What's for dinner?" as if we were short-order cooks just waiting for him to give us something to do. He learned that keeping a bathroom fairly organized was a lot less work than cleaning it from top to bottom and putting away everything after a week of neglect.

He watched his father do dishes and laundry and grocery shop. When he went away to college, he knew how to plan for laundry needs, work it around his academic and athletic schedule, and set up his room without his mommy doing it. When he moved into a campus apartment with a small kitchen for a summer internship, he knew how to grocery shop and make his own simple meals while still being as healthy as possible for his athletic career - no fast food, no high fat over-processed meals. He called home a few times for recipes, and asked for a crockpot for his birthday!

He's a masculine guy, a star athlete, and engineering student - but he's not entirely academic. He relates well to others, and has so many friends because he is appreciative of others and doesn't expect things to be done for him because of gender roles. He's well liked by both guys and girls because he doesn't have antiquated ideas of what everyone should be doing because of their gender. And he switched up some suite-mates because a couple of the guys wouldn't clean their dishes and just left them for the other guys to wash! Once, while my son was away for a week, one group of students in a dorm left so many dirty dishes and pots in the sink for 2 weeks that the maintenance staff had no choice but to throw them out due to the health hazard. I can tell that my son and the other owners of those dishes certainly regretted living with slobs and having to spend all of their own money to replace their kitchenware!

Now - which kind of young adult would YOU like to say you raised?

Your son needs a lot more than book smarts! Why can't you enjoy having him be a part of the family by doing what needs to be done?

In 16 months, my son will graduate and be out on his own. He will get his own apartment. He will need more than academic skills to do this. He will get a job, and he needs to be able to relate to a lot of different people and have some perspective/appreciation for their skills. He needs to RESPECT everyone's work and abilities. I don't want him to get married to just ANYONE because he doesn't know how to cook or clean or shop. I want him to marry someone to whom he can commit himself and who will nurture him through dark times and lean on him as well. I don't want him to think he's better than someone else because he spent time on books and not on life skills.

Please re-think your position, and help your husband broaden his view! You will be so much more grateful to have a son who appreciates all kinds of work and what it takes to make the world go around!

Wow I can't beleive women still feel this way. I have a daughter and I expect her to be able to to do chores so why wouldn't a son have to do them. Even though kids hate doing chores it gives them some type of responsibility. If he has to do the dishes on certain days then he will know that he has the responsibility to do the dishes on his day. It was amazing when I went to college seeing the number of boys who couldn't do their laundry simply because Mommy wasn't there to do it for him. Instead of learning to do it they paid people to do their laundry. Chores are just apart of preparing them for life. The only way I can see chores getting in the way of studies is if the kid is having a hard time with their studies. Most chores don't even take an hour to do the exception being laundry but laundry isn't constant. Most washer and dryer cycles are 20 to 30 min. While the laundry is going he can pick up a book and do his homework. When the cycle stops take care of the clothes and get back to studying. Life is different now. Not many kids go from their parents house to the spouses house so they will need to know how to take care of themselves.

I just discovered your post and had to smile about it. You didn't give your boy's age but he must be old enough not to want to do anything except what interests him. The fighting can be wearisome, but some of it is worthwhile.

I agree that domestic chores are life skills for everyone! I disagree that men not having to know them was a "1950s mindset." (It's actually a mindset for anyone at any time who is trained to be lazy.)

My father (who, if he were still living, would be 107) knew how to do everything in our home. He learned as he grew up, and he had to take care of himself for many years before he married in 1939. The house was my mother's jurisdiction (and she was fine with that), but he was not helpless, nor was he demeaning of the work. When my older sister was born, he took on the diaper laundry chore (my mother used to tell me), and realized that it was yet another addition to the daily hard work.

So he did his best to be sure my mother had, at the least, the conveniences that would help her. This included not only a washing machine at home - instead of hauling everything to the laundry as many others had to do - but also when automatic clothes dryers came out in the '50s, he bought her one as soon as he could afford it. He made sure she had housecleaning help when that help could be found. He bought a dishwasher when dishwashers weren't standard equipment. And he was pretty darn good at not adding, personally, more than necessary to the work she had agreed to do. He was a tidy man (NOT by nature, I think, but by training) who didn't need anyone to follow behind and clean up after him.

This may not sound impressive to mamas today, when all these things are more than taken for granted, but even as a child I knew many of the neighborhood ladies were envious of my mama because THEIR husbands had no idea, much less appreciation, of what they had to do every day.

Let your son become that sort of man, and one day, hopefully, you'll have a great gift in return: a DIL other women will be jealous of because she'll love you so much!

This mindset is so ridiculously sexist. I am always so amazed when I find people, expecially women, in the 21st century who still perpetuate these types of ideas.

I have 2 boys and they both have certain responsibilities around the house. They are not carved in stone, I don't really care how they contribute each day but they will do something. I think it teaches them a bigger picture in life. That we all make the mess and we all contribute to cleaning it up. I think learning to cook and do laundry will be something that they could ALWAYS use. Our job is to teach them to be self-reliant. I don't want them depending on a woman, any woman, to that degree. The more they learn to do for themselves, the more well rounded they become and THAT is what I think we all want for our children.

Uh.. yes he needs to know how to do those things. Who's to say that he will GET married? And really, isn't it for he and his future bride (assuming there is one) to decide how to divide the 'chores' in their own household? My husband helps out with whatever needs doing when i get behind... the laundry, the floors, the dishes, even cooking dinner. And today's households are NOT the same as generations ago when there was a clear line about who does what. Now they aren't "men's" or "women's" chores.. but the chores of the "household". Any future bride of his is likely going to expect him to be able to chip in on some of the housework. Being of the mindset that he doesn't have to do any of it may even affect his marital prospects.

What if he is married and his wife becomes ill? Are you certain he is going to have adequate resources to hire a maid to come in full time to take over?

This is just a no-brainer. Of COURSE he should be taught how to do all those things.

p.s. I have a daughter and a son. Anything my daughter is taught and expected to do, so is my son.

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Judging from the title of your question, I really thought you were joking until reading the whole thing. Wow.
First, I adore my mil, and I know she loves me too. I have thanked her profusely for raising my husband so well and she has thanked me for the positive changes and real happiness that she sees in him since we got together. We've talked at length about this a few times. She raised all 3 boys as a strong, intelligent, go-getter kind of woman so that they would respect women and not feel superior....women are not only equal human beings, but partners, peers, friends, as well as loves. She says it has added to the quality of her sons' lives, not diminished their "manhood". She says she raised the boys like that because (a) she felt it was the right thing to do, she didn't want them to look down on women or "women's work", (b) she didn't want them to HAVE TO get married just to survive, (c) she wanted them to be ABLE to land a good woman who would be a good partner, not just "the domestic help", (d) she felt it was good preparation for other skills as well. All 3 boys went to college, are intelligent, witty, classically trained, great speakers, very successful in their jobs, and have their own families, and are independent. Part of that is that they can all cook, clean, sew, stay basically organized, etc (not perfectly, but good enough to have guests over and things to be fixed). They're all (very) different and each excels in their own areas, but they can all handle themselves. I consider my mil to be a very successful mom and look up to her. Don't have a defeatist attitude and expect to have a bad relationship with a DIL that doesn't yet exist. :)
There's just some basic daily maintenance that happens in life. And I do not at all see why having your son learn basic organization, cleanliness, and teamwork would "damage" your relationship as you said. That's crazy. Both my boys have little chores (YES even my 15 month old!) and it's just what it is. There is no fighting at all. They are starting from the earliest of ages and start as games. I take my little toddler and we "race" to pick up laundry and put in the right hampers (colors in the blue bag, whites in the white bag)....he doesn't know his colors yet, but he can tell the difference between white and everything else! We THROW things (like basketball) into a little laundry basket and push the basket around to the different rooms making car noises and "deliver" things to their right places (pick up toys and clutter around the living room, and put it all away, then go to another room and do the same thing). He thinks he swiffers too.
When my oldest turned 3, he was fascinated with "work" and "buying money" (since my husband goes to work in a tie all the time). He wanted to learn about money, so I gave him a "job". Now, at 4 years old, he gets up on his own, eats, puts his dishes in the sink, feeds the cat, waters the vegetable garden, pushes the swiffer around the floor, helps me sort laundry and I hand him things from the wash that he puts in the dryer, he pulls things from the dryer and puts them in the laundry basket and pushes it to the couch for us to "fold" together. He doesn't do it all perfectly, but I shower him with praise and we talk and have a good time while doing it, and I don't go behind him and redo things. If it's important, I'll show him how to do it a little better. I do not demand perfection or anything like that...we just keep things nice. He goes to all the "little trashcans" all over the house and brings all those bags down and throws them away into the big trashcan. He dusts with a swiffer cloth (of course I do a better job when he goes to nap). He "helps" cook already (started very early) and "helps" with all kinds of other things as they come up. But he gets paid (25 cents a day allowance if he earns it---we keep track with a sticker on a calendar for each day earned, 2 stickers in one day means he gets a "bonus" on payday which is Saturday). He understands and can explain to his friends or grandma that a family needs teamwork, but doing his job WELL (meaning without needing to be nagged and doing it as good as he can) is how he gets money. He knows that we save 10% for the bank, 10% for church, and 80% is for him to do whatever he wants with it. We teach him how to look at different things and make choices. Not only is he learning how to do something and stick with it, how to be a self starter, to do something to the best of his personal ability, to think and figure things out, organization, sorting, teamwork, responsibility, work/rewards, basic finance, etc all come from doing some chores at home. They are all vital to having a successful life, no matter what he chooses to do as an adult.

And tell him this..
My son did chores, all of them. While in bootcamp he was constantly praised and made the Ironing PO because he could do it. He was in charge of others who couldn't clean properly. He was not scrutinized as the others because he was taught how to do things "military style" before he left my house, he was taught how to deep clean the bathrooms, the grout, kitchen, make his bed.
He even wrote a letter to my hubby thanking him for making sure he knew how to do the chores.
And you never know, you might love your DIL. My MIL and I have a wonderful relationship. I am thankful to her for teaching my hubby that it is not all woman's work.

I can see why you may have drawn the conclusions that you have but for us, learning how to do domestic chores is just.as important for our son as learning how to change a tire on a car will be for our daughters. It's about life skills - one day you may not be there for him & he may not have a girlfriend/wife so he will have to do his own laundry, wash his own dishes, vacuum his own floor, etc...otherwise he will live in a pigsty & stink (then he'll never get a wife:-)) Spending time together can be done with chores/working around the house - you guys are a family so he needs to pitch in & be responsible for a portion of the household duties. Another way to look at the benefits of doing chores is that it teaches responsibility and the ability to follow directions. Do I really care how my son puts his clothes in his drawer? No, not really but his ability to understand & follow directions on how to sort, match, fold and place are what's important. Study happens all the time - everywhere not just looking at books & movies. Domestic chores are a great way to teach so many things. \
*On a side note: I adore my MIL :-)
Hope you guys find what works for you.

It is funny this question came up. I have four kids from 20 to 13. My 16 year old sports minded video game playing son had the chore of dishes for the week. I look over and he is doing dishes, cleaning the window bar stools cabinets ect. just going all out. It actually made me proud that he took the initiative and wanted his home to look nice!

Well, there is a lot to say here, but I'll leave it with...one of things that I love the most about my MIL is that she raised a wonderful son who knows his way around the house! It has definitely been a positive for my relationship with her.

I just have to add...my DH does all of his own laundry and ironing. You know why? I won't! I just don't see that as my job. But he's also never expected me to do it, so there's that. He came from a family of strong, independent women, and that's who he married as well. So we just don't do traditional "gender roles" in our house.
He cleans, I clean, etc...
And I'll teach my son the same.

First and foremost--what if he never marries? Or worse--what happens if something happens to your future DIL that she's unable to do the stuff herself? Example: Try having a singleton and then a set of newborn twins. You need help. Family is not around. Who steps in to help from getting overwhelmed? Another example: My sister has MS. There are mornings she can't walk. She can't get out of bed. Some days her entire one side is paralyzed. Some mornings she can't see. Who does the work for her if her caretaker can't get to her? My BIL. EVERYONE NEEDS to know how to do basic life skills. It's not about whether you get along with your DIL or not. I personally thought my MIL was a saint and I got along better with her than my own mom.

Mom of two boys, sister of 4 brothers. (also mom of one girl)
At first I thought your post may be a joke, who WOULDN"T want their kid to know how to clean up after themselves? But, the more I read the more I decided that you really were asking the question.
How do you know that your son is going to go straight from your house to getting married? MOST teens move out when they are 18-20...either going to college or working and getting their own place. He needs to know how to do the dishes, clean his room, scrub a tub, and get his laundry done. If he's all alone, then he's the only one that can do it!
Also, don't you WANT your DIL to like you? It sounds like you are giving up on that all together! I love my MIL and my husband thinks my mom is just great! We all get along and my parents have never stepped in on our relationship nor have his parents. You could be the "good" MIL.
Yes, it's great that your son gets a good education...it's also great if he is educated about life. In the REAL world he has to learn how to take care of himself, not always depend on a woman to do it for him.
L.

I'm glad I'm not in Chicago so my daughter can never meet your future chauvinistic couch potato and marry him. ugh shudder

I didn't read your other responses so I may repeat them.

You teach your son to do domestic chores so that when he leaves home to live on his own or go to college he can take care of himself. Many are the times a freshman goes to the laundramat only to ruin their clothing because the don't know how to wash them correctly.

There is no given that a man will marry and have someone to "take care of them" so they should know how to cook, clean (including windows), iron and sew (at least a button or two) and be independent. Now days women don't want to have to "train" or pickup after a man how to do things he should have learned at home. You do read those issues here on the site about the man who just drops everything and "expects" the wife to pick it up like mommy did. That was the last century this is the 21st and many things are now equal in life.

Sorry to sound bitter about this but you are not helping society. Yes I do have a son who has his own home and is able to take care of it and his own child a boy (another story) who recently married.

I certainly don't want to go to visit and be the cleaner of the home. I want to go and enjoy them and have good memories.

The other S.

PS Some men are better house cleaners than women.

Its about personal responsibility and the self esteem that goes along with it. And you need to consider the fact the he probably won't get married for a long time as the average age is getting higher-esp for men. And you also need to consider his prospects of marrying AT ALL if you raise him with the philosophy that it is women's work to do that stuff. Seriously-most women I know would RUN from your son rather than deal with that attitude. Nothing worse than a mommas boy who can't do 'women's work'.

i am so glad you "saw the light" so quickly! lol. my response is like the others - YES! he needs to do chores. i don't give a fig about his future wife though - if he and his dad don't help me with the household stuff it's all on MY shoulders - HECK NO! i am 1/3 of this household. okay i admit i will do more than my share of the housework - i AM the mom after all. but i'll be danged if i'm going to have no help. my son helps with laundry, cooking, dishes, feeding the animals, and of course cleaning up after himself. he is 4 by the way. i am NOT a servant. i would like people who live in my house to pull their weight. at least some of it. there's no feeling worse to me than feeling as if i am the only one taking care of the household and no one even notices. that's the surest way to make me feel about two inches tall. :( i feel it is a sign of respect to me that my "men" help with housework. no one is more or less important in our house. and by saying i don't give a fig about my future DIL, i guess i am saying, i am trying to raise my son to be helpful and respectful of others, NOT lazy, regardless of who he does or doesn't marry.

Common sense - he has to take care of himself when he's not living at home anymore - unless you're planning on going to his house wherever he ends up and cleaning up and cooking for him every day...

So after he moves out, your DH is ok with him living in squallor because he can't clean up after or feed himself? I'm assuming DH got married as soon as he left the house and didn't take care of himself at all. This can't be true, cause no woman in her right mind would marry someone if they came to his home and saw that.

Just as an added thought, I do most of the housework in our home, partly because I'm the one who "sees" it and I'm also the one who "cares" about it. :)

I've accidently gone through a basket of laundry and folded it only to have my husband a little hurt because he'd already folded all of it--I just honestly couldn't tell by the way he folds. His dad, however, does most of the housework in his house and always did a good share of the cooking and most, if not all, of the laundry. His mom always worked full-time as a nurse and his father is a pastor, so he was physically home more during the day to do those chores than his mom. My mother-in-law is also on disability and has other issues with doing too much or too strenuous phyisical work, so my father-in-law is still awesome about doing things around the house. Men do need to survive on their own and not all get married, either, but they don't want to scare someone away. I would personally rather spend my days reading and daydreaming or studying something interesting, but life can't happen without a certain standard of cleanliness, however minimal that turns out to be. =)

If you teach your son how to be responsible and take care of himself, and you allow him the autonomy to make his own choices, and trust those choices, chances are really good that you'll have a great relationship with your DIL, and she with you. She will likely appreciate all the hard work you did to raise a healthy, responsible man.... well, she probably won't truly appreciate it until she starts the same work herself, as a mother herself, LOL, but still.

I read the MIL/DIL/family drama stories because it helps me appreciate what I have, and be more thankful for it.

They are called "life skills" and it is your job as parents to teach them to your children, be it they are boys or girls!!

It's my husband and my job as our boys' parents, to make sure that they become adults that have the skills in life necessary to live successfully. If I don't teach him how to make his bed, fill the dishwasher, clean the rabbit cage, take a shower, etc.... I have basically failed at my job as a parent. Chores are part of his education. I want to educate the whole child, spiritually, academically, socially, and physically (exercise, eating right, etc...) Chores are part of the social education he is getting. You participate in the life and upkeep of the group of people you are with. We still have plenty of quality time walking, talking, reading and being with each other too. Mainly because I am not stuck doing everything around the house.

By the way, I would never have married my husband if he did not pull his weight concerning the domestic chores. Granted, I do most right now but he knows how to do everything, God forbid, I died or something.

Seriously? What if your son never gets married? My husband is not very domestic, but he and I did not get married until he was 31. What would he have done if he couldn't cook, clean, do laundry for himself?

I am grateful my MIL taught my husband these basic life skills. It is always great to have an extra hand and doing something. No, it may not be the way I would do it, but it is Help! Any help should always be appreciated.

Also, my husband is a wonderful cook and enjoys baking. I hate to bake. So, if we want anything sweet, or if we want to bake something to include the kids it is great to sit back and watch my husband spend time with the kids.

I hope my son learns these same skills as my husband. It really has helped make him a well rounded person.

Girl... I didn't read all of the other responses & judging by your update you now understand why boys need to do dometic chores, but I cringed at the site of your letter. The letter you wrote sounded like it came straight out of my mother-in-law's mouth and that's why my husband is back home with her now. He thought that all he had to do was go to work, dump the trash & mow our little piece of grass every few weeks in the summer. The remainder of his time was dedicated to laying on the sofa watching TV, playing on the internet, & on his phone talking to who knows who while I also worked full-time (as bread-winner of the house), cooked, cleaned, & took care of 2 little babies along with 1 having a chronic skin disorder.
We decided to go to marriage counseling before splitting up & the therapist confirmed what I already knew that my husband's problem was that he had been coddled too much as a child & he said that that was the worst thing that you could do to a child because they grow up being co-dependent, lazy, having entitlement issues (thinking they have the option to work, but don't have to) & boys don't know how to treat their women. They grow up thinking that their women are supposed to take care of them like their mothers did. They also turn out to be very conniving & manipulative. BIG LIARS & GET OVERS! Because they saw as a child that they could cry to get their way (manipulation tactic), so they continue to think that way as adults. My husband tries to manipulate whoever he can & he's 35 years old still manipulating his parents & they've made it clear to me that they don't even know who there son truely is. They no nothing about him because he protrays to them that he's this sweet, quiet, little innocent person that does no wrong & they're too in denial to see the truth. I almost got into a fist fight with my in-laws because they think that their going to coddle my kids like they did their own children. Their daughter just now got her on place at 40 years old. SO SAD! There's no way in hell I'm going to allow that to happen to my own kids. I don't want my boys to have to depend on anyone but themselves when they grow up. Co-dependent people get no where in life! I believe a relationship should be 50/50 & no real women wants a little boy as a husband.

Well, he may not have someone to take care of him right away...first off. Secondly, it will benefit your son when he is in a relationship because it's going to be much easier for him to maintain a healthy relationship with his wife if he helps around the house. In this day and age men and women cannot expect that their roles in the family are going to be so clear cut. They both have to know how to take up the slack for each other.

Sorry I'm late in answering but I'll just answer as if you hadn't already placed a followup...just to voice my opinion...Is your son already engaged? Are you planning him to be married off at graduation?? It sounds like your ready for him to be married off right now...is he just in elementary or Jr. high/high school??? Men need to be & should be self-sufficient. Men who say 'leave the domestic duties alone' for women to do, IMO just like to be picked up after. MY hubby knows how to sew/mend, cook, clean, wash dishes...by hand...In fact he sews better than I do! He also vacuums & does all other 'domestic chores' & eagerly helps, we even it out as far as who does what & when. He does this automatically, w/o me asking, he just does it b/c he's considerate of me. Women WANT help around the house, there's nothing wrong w/that. While I can't speak for your future DIL, I can't understand why you'd think she'd be expecting your son to "do all the work" should she find out he can...does she seem lazy? Has she already exhibited signs of not willing to share chores? Why wouldn't you want your son to be independent & self-reliable?? That's like not teaching girls how to check the oil/fluids in the car or change tires rather than teaching them to 'wait for the auto club' if it's something they can do themselves. To assume & separate what is deemed 'man duties' -vs- 'women duties' is in my opinion, dumb. Men should know how to do these things. Who's gonna do that if/when he's on his own? Is he going to call mom or girlfriend to come clean for him or do his laundry if he has his own place on his own (not yet married)? As far as his room being 'spotless' how do you mean?? Do you mean spic & span & crisp corners or just picked up? Boys & girls should be made to pick up their room so that the home looks decent & it teaches them that disarray is not acceptable. To play off household chores as "women's work" is just setting up for disaster, that's teaching your son that only women do household chores & to become lazy in that respect. Is he in college or is he going to college? Is he going to get a women to do his laundry while he's at school or just save it all up for you to do when he comes home? I hope he has enough clothes...There may be women out there that are taught the same thing, that household chores is "women's work" so maybe your son will end up w/one of them & it'll wk out fine but I'm GRATEFUL to have a man who is more than willing to help around the house. I can take care of myself for the most part like if, goodness forbid, I should have auto issues while out on the road which I HOPE I don't, knock on wood, I know how to change that tire myself & not have to hope someone will come resuce me or make a general assessment about what's going on w/the car if I should hafta call for assistance. Women, in turn, should be taught stuff like this too! Women love to see a man who can pick up after himself & be self-sufficient. In all my adult life (going on 20 yrs now) I've only encounted 1 couple that are like that...aka the wife does the housework & she does it eagerly! Completely puzzles me but oh well. Everyone else wants a man to help around the house & complains that he doesn't. All in all I really hope that you read my response & just give it some consideration. Thanks!

Wow! I opened this thinking it was a joke, but I guess not. Um, yes, you teach your son "domestic chores". What the heck is he going to do when he goes off to college? And what if he doesn't get married *gasp*...are you going to do his laundry and clean up after him? I have so much to say about this but I think I should stop here!!!!!

So I am a little late in the game but here's my two cents anyway. To me this is like saying I am not going to teach my son how to brush his teeth because there will maybe be someone around to do it for him. We could all brush our child's teeth for 18 years but we aren't going to go to college with them and brush there....they need to be able to do it for themselves. Everyone needs to learn to be self sufficient.

Yes, he should learn it. He may be a bachelor into his 30's or forever. It doesn't take away from any other skills. We all make time to do these things. Your DIL will hate you worse if you raise a slob.

I'm also teaching my daughter's how to handle finances and do home repairs-because god knows they may never have a husband who can do those things.

Your future DIL is only going to dislike you if you're a belligerent, selfish, narcissistic drunk bully who deliberately goes against anything you tell her to do with the kids regarding safety or healthy eating. Like my MIL.

This doesn't have anything to do with your original question, but I wanted to add - from someone who has a very difficult relationship with her MIL - you CAN have a great relationship with your DIL, I promise! It is really about showing her that you respect her and love her. My mom has a wonderful relationship with my SIL and it is because she genuinely loves and respects her. Even though my SIL may make different decisions than my mother or me, both of us make an effort to make her feel like a really important part of our family. I wish my relationship with my MIL wasn't so difficult, but I try hard to do everything I can on my end to make her feel loved. It took awhile to figure out what made her feel loved, but I'm learning and it's getting better.

First off, I will tell you I love my MIL and the wonderful job she did raising my husband and 7 other children. I think the whole MIL vs DIL dynamics is way over blown. I think when you become a MIL, you will need to work on a relationship w/ your DIL that is all your own...maybe not a typical MIL/DIL relationship, but if you continue to raise your son like this I sure would not like you as a MIL.

Second, I am absolutley disgusted with the fact you would even consider your son NOT doing chores because it is "a girls job"....really this is not the 1950's.

My husband and his siblings (4 boys/4 girls) are all healthy wonderful intelligent individuals but they were all taught the same things in their home. All of them know how to sew a button on a shirt, iron clothes, cook and clean but also how to change a tire on a car, fix a garbage disposal and mow the lawn. I have a wonderful BrotherIL who is the best stay at home PARENT I have ever met who keeps a fabulous loving home for his kids and a SisterIL that is a cop and a hobby of hers is fixing old cars up with her kids.

You need to keep an open mind and expose all your kids to different things. Otherwise, you are going to be doing your son a disservice and your future DIL will not like you.

Yeah, after looking at your "so what happened" section that is exactly what I was going to bring up, who knows when that wonderful girl will come along, he needs to be able to handle his own affairs. But I will say that I do think raising a boy that does not have an entitlement attitude is very important. My sons are still little, but my three year old helps me with chores all the time. I don't make him, but he wants to and I do tell him how wonderful his wife will think it is one day that he is capable of doing these things. My hubs works so much that really I do the house work but he does not slob his stuff all over and totally disrespect the hard work I have done. He puts his clothes in the basket, puts his things where they go etc. He doesn't just leave shoes everywhere, plates and cups all over. He doesn't have this idea that since someone else is cleaning up he can just be a pig, he flows with the systems of order set in place. He always told me that if I would keep it orderly, he wouldn't mess it up, and I really appreciate that. As my boys get older I think I will have them keep their rooms and bathroom clean, put away their laundry, have turns to do the dishes, and they will probably do some vacuuming. As for the MIL situation, I pray for their wives and I personally LOVE my MIL. She is awesome and I know that the good relationship I have with her has shown me more about how to love a DIL and I plan to love my DIL because she will hold my son's heart forever and I always want to be close with my boys and of course grandchildren! :D I believe that if you teach your kids to respect their future spouses and plan to love them yourself you are doing everything you can to ensure happiness as your family grows. Take care!

Yes! Teach him in part because there is a span of time between them leaving your nest and making a new one. We specifically taught my stepson things like how to cook and how to do his own laundry so he could go to college and get an apartment and take care of himself. If he clashes with his future spouse over household things, that's their issue and I don't think hamstringing him by not teaching him skills will help that. What about when they have kids? He should know how to help. He should at least be ABLE, even if they decide he never does laundry again. That will be between THEM, and not my thing to decide for him/them when a Mrs. is nowhere in sight.

My stepson was in the Honor Society, played 2 sports AND knows how to cook a few basic things, do his laundry, wash dishes, iron, sew a button, etc. For one, all our kids help around the house - which we think is important as a household. For two, he's in college and he's had to take care of himself and needed to know these things for his own well-being. (And the sinuses of his friends and roommates!)

You might not have any kid clean as well as YOU would like, but it teaches them how to clean, how to be responsible, how to be organized, how to be a team player....why leave a boy out of it because it involves a vacuum?

it sounds like you've already decided to hate your future dil ---if she ever finds this post saved on your computer, if he finds a girl to marry him with the values your instilling in him, then this would be her proof she truly has the craziest mil out there....ussually its the crazy sons mom that makes the mil-dil relationship bad,...b/c they want their sons to be babied, and they don't want to let go,...in this day and age the woman ussually works full time and everyone is equals....sure he may mow the lawn while she does the dishes, but who knows he may get a girl who would rather mow the lawn and have him do the dishes...also people don't get married right out of hs anymore, its likely he'll live alone for a while before finding ":the one" tell your hubby to pick up some slack and give you a break...it sounds like a lot is expected from you

HAHA, made me giggle.... If anyone watches Desperate Housewives, Lynette just has this problem with her boys, she did everything for them, and them made them move out, and they couldn't do a thing for themselves!!
My husband is probably more domestic than me :-)

Uh... yeah. If my boys leave hte house with no clue how to do laundry, vacuum, cook a meal, or generally take care of their house, what are they going to do until they get married? I don't know about your kids ,but mine probably won't live at home until they get married, know what I mean?

My boys (8 and 5) can load/unload the dishwasher, scrub their bathroom, pick up their rooms, sort clothes, run the vacuum, the floor steamer, dust, an generally are very good at keeping house. Its not because I think it will make them a better husband in the future (I force them to learn patience while shopping for that lol) but because there is no reason a man should not know how to keep his own house. Its absurd to think otherwise.

So if you had a daughter, would you never send her for an education because her only job would be to have babies and keep house? Just as absurd!

I have 2 boys and a girl. All 3 of them will learn to take care of themselves and their family, including "domestic chores". If any of them go away to college and live on their own in a dorm or apt they will need to wash their laundry and dishes and feed themselves. They do need those skills to get their education if you want to look at it from that angle. They may want to move out on their own before they are married and will need to keep themselves clean and fed.
I am grateful my husband can help take care of the house. What if I'm sick or injured? Am I obliged to still clean or have several days of dirty dishes piles a mile high and 2 tons of laundry waiting for me when I'm well? I didn't make all this mess! 5 of us live in this house, 5 of us are equally responsible to clean it up.

Flash forward 25 years - I am married to your son. Ugh. I am an educated women with a professional degree who works 45 plus hours per week, has children and still does 85% of the housework. And I still love and adore my mother in law.

I have to agree with Busymommy, and just about everyone else. I have two sons, and will teach them how to care for themselves and their home on their own. As others have said, teach your boys what you want them to know whether they get married or not, because nothing is guaranteed. If you won't be doing it for them for the rest of their lives, TEACH THEM. And even then, TEACH THEM. Because you won't be around forever either. There's nothing sadder than a man who is clueless in the kitchen, and doesn't know how to do simple things around the house. It's an easy thing to teach, and is invaluable. I'm glad to see from your addition above that you are reconsidering. ;)

T.

He will not benefit from these skill only if you are planning on marrying him off by age 16 to a 16 year old domestic diva (don't think there are too many of those) or if you plan to have him live at home until 40. kidding of course. Of course he needs these skills - he will live alone or have a male room mate in college. What if he goes into the service - he will need to clean his quarters and make his bed. What if he never marries? Or god forbid he does, has kids and his wife dies? These are life skills that all people need.

I grew up in a home (1960's to mid 1970's) and am the oldest child plus the only daughter. My parents managed to convince the boys that if they were caught with their hands in a sink full of dirty dishes, their "nuts" might fall off!

If anything got scrubbed, vaccuumed, picked up, swept, or washed - it was ME who was asked to do it. Ditto for helping with dinner, setting the table and washing dishes. The boys were told to "go play" and I was set to work doing chores. I was a teenager when my youngest brother was born, and from that point I became the "built in nanny" for the family. Every day, as soon as I returned from school, the baby was handed off to me.

Fast forward several years into the future and my brothers endured going through divorces because their wives were tired of picking up after them and being treated like glorified servants.

Parents do their sons no favors by coddling them and treating them like special guests in their own homes.

When our mother became ill, several years later, guess who was appointed the job of becoming nurse/maid? My brothers turned a blined eye to the situation and made themselves scarce.

Well honestly I think that he should atleast know how to do these things. He may get out on his own before getting married and will need to know how to clean up after himself. Or if he goes away for college he will have to know how to do his own laundry. Mom will not be there to do it for him. My MIL never taught her boys these things. It's nice once in a while to get some help around the house. My husband didn't even know how to use a washing machine until I showed him how. I am not expecting my husband to do it all but once in a while is nice too. I am not saying to make him do his laundry all the time but atleast SHOW him how its done. What if no one is home and he needs something washed and doesn't know how to do it? Yes education is very important but so is common sense. My MIL lived through the 50's and 60's where the mother did everything for her family. That is not todays society. Depending on how old your son is I wouldn't worry about the what ifs. Don't make him do it but tell him that you would like to show him what to do. That is part of the life process. Don't make him too dependant on the woman to do everything for him. Ok here is a what if.... what if his wife is having a baby and is in the hospital. He needs to know how to cook and do his laundry while she is gone. When she comes home she will need to rest and take care of the baby. So he will then need to help her out till she heals and can do things again. I am just throwing that out there. Just let him know that you want him to know how to do these things but aren't expecting him to do them all the time.

My husband was on his own for many years before he and I got together. I am SOOOOO happy that he KNOWS how to cook, clean, and now, how to take care of babies/children. These skills are no longer strictly "women's" work, and especially if both parents work, it's very important for men to help out around the house too. It's sexist to think that men shouldn't do these things as well; in many households, it's the women that work, and the men that stay home to cook/clean, etc....

That's an interesting perspective. My husband rarely has time to do housework. He doesn't cook or clean because I am home all day and look at it as my job. However, he is CAPABLE of doing all those things. I expect my sons (I have 2) to be CAPABLE of caring for themselves. What if your son doesn't meet Mrs. Right until he is in his 30's (like my husband and myself)? Do you expect he'll live at home with you until he's married? Do you want him bringing you his laundry to do for him when he is in college and beyond? Do you want him to be CAPABLE of fixing a healthy meal for himself and cleaning up after?

What kind of roommate to you want him to be? Do you want him to be the kid who never contributes to the running of a household?

I do not think kids need to keep their rooms spotless, nor do I expect them to do the cleaning on a regular basis. But, people need to contribute to the running of a house. My husband contributes by working his a@@ off to pay the bills and keep us in a nice home with everything we need. The KIDS AND I work to keep the place a nice place for him to come home too.

Just my thoughts.
J.

I am a DIL that LOVES LOVES LOVES her MIL...and her sons were all taught to cook (by FIL), and to dote on their women :)
I cook because I am better at it but DH does all the laundry pretty much, and the manly stuff like trash. We share cleaning the bathrooms - he cleans he ones he uses the most, I clean mine...my DH chooses to have our marriage be a partnership - not man vs woman work. My mother things we are nuts - but it works for us.
Think of it this way - when he is in a dorm with all men and nobody knows how to run the vaccuum or do laundry - what will that look like?

Teaching my children how to take care of themselves is very important. It isn't about me becoming a MIL or about my future DIL either. My sons will be going off to college and need to learn how to take care of themselves from A to Z which includes cleaning and cooking. When my sons are grown it will benefit them to know how to do these things for themselves because the only able bodied grown man whose clothes I intend on washing or home I intend on cleaning is my husband as a product of my respect and love for him but he helps around the house too.

Yes studying is important but getting children ready for life without you and outside of your house is also important too.