Will It Ever Get Better?

In short, yes, it will get better.

Your kids will get older. Someday, they will be potty trained, and able to brush their own teeth, take their own baths unsupervised, and even (yes!) be able to mix a mean dry martini. But that will be a few years from now. You need help before then.

Here's what I would recommend. (And, sister, I've been there and done that, believe me... my husband and I work TOGETHER for our own business, so I get it! I do!) You can't do it all. Accept that right now. Let's look at a few ways you can alleviate this burden:

1) Give your husband a list of things you need help with. Give the girls a bath, grocery shopping, mow the lawn. Whatever it is. Men are not intuitive. They can't read minds. Just because you told him once that you'd like help doesn't mean he realizes that you need help NOW, TODAY with giving the kids a bath. Yeah, I know, he SHOULD realize it, but he doesn't. So tell him.
2) If your husband is anything like mine, it will get old pretty quickly constantly telling him what you need done. So you need some shortcuts. The lawn is never mowed? The next time your neighbor's gardener is there, go out and ask how much to have your lawn done, too. I was surprised to find that my neighbor's gardener would cut my lawn for $50/month. I cancelled my husband's football package on TV, and voila! Room in the budget for a gardener! When my husband flipped out, I said, hey, I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I kept asking for help and never got it, so now we have a gardener! He got over it.
3) Dinner. Any reason your husband's restaurant can't supply your dinners? If not, look into Dream Dinners (or Dinner My Way, Super Suppers, etc). This is what I do, and honestly, the kids love them and so does my husband. And if he doesn't like them, he's welcome to cook. Seriously.
4) Laundry. How about when the clothes come out of the dryer, sort them into a basket for each person in your house. If you don't get around to folding them, oh well. At least everyone can look through their own basket for something to wear.
5) Housekeeping. Check into a cleaning lady. Same thing as with the gardener, ask your neighbors who they use and like. If your budget doesn't allow for weekly, how about every other week? I have a cleaning lady come every other week, and in between times, I pick up clutter, run the vacuum as needed, wipe down the counters... but then she comes and does the full-on deep cleaning. I can't overstate the amount of stress this relieves in my life.

Bottom line, you can't be all things to all people. Stop trying. Get help, either from your husband, or hired, but realize that those of us who appear to have it all together actually have a TON of help. Hang in there!

I know... a couple of Wives, of Chefs or are Owners of their own restaurant.
The restaurant business... is VERY VERY time consuming and the hours... are crazy, non-traditional.
These wives, are like latch-key wives. And yes, they have kids.
It is like being married to a Surgeon or Doctor.
Their Husbands are not home much.
And the hours are not regular.
And the restaurant environment, is stressful and full of lots of drama.

I can understand how "resentful" you must feel.
But you need to, talk to him.
And since he is so.... denuded of any reaction or emotion toward you... then that is trouble.
He NEEDS to know that.
If you can calmly... tell him the "red flags" of your relationship.

And sure, he is trying to keep a restaurant, afloat and there is debt and paying bills and so many things.
But at the same time, if he can't handle it (because the restaurant business is a TOUGH business), then he can't just "panic" and talk about moving someplace else. There is still, debts to pay and etc. He cannot just runaway... from his problems. That is what little boys do. And he is not a child. He is a grown, man. Who undertook a business in a tough sector, and he has to face up to it.

Then, his behavior towards you, is selfish.
But I think he is SO wrapped up in his own world, that he is just taking things for granted and ignoring, you. As a person.
You are human and you are upset about his behavior.
You both need to talk about it.
Or go to counseling.
But I'm sure he won't have time, for that?
Hmmmm....

Most restaurants, go out of business in the 1st year.
It is a hard, sector to be in. And it requires a lot of money to stay afloat.
He needs a consultant or something, to guide him.
Most "Chefs" are not "business men" nor business minded.

Thankfully, you have a nursing job.
But yes, that is also very stressful and has odd hours/shifts.
Can you HIRE household help? Even just part time to help clean?
I would. If you have the budget for it.

yes, it will get better. when you two learn to communicate to each other. Don't talk TO him, talk WITH him.

Owning a restaurant is NOT easy. It's time consuming and until it you get regulars? And people talking? It can be a money pit.

You MUST make time for each other. If this means spending one hour a week at a counselor to learn how to communicate - it will be the life saver for your marriage!

Hire a cleaning service to come in and clean.
Spend one to two hours on a day you both have off and make meals you can freeze - together - key word - TOGETHER. Try some of the recipes he's looking at on the internet AT HOME....work it TOGETHER....

If you can't afford a counselor - talk with your church Priest, Pastor or Rabbi - their services are typically free - so look into that!!

Good luck!

Stop being a door mat. Stop being his servant. If the house doesn't get cleaned he'll start noticing and ask what is going on. Tell him you just wanted to watch some nursing shows on TV or watch a regular TV show, you know, that "you" needed a break.

If you keep doing everything for him then you can't expect him to do anything else. He'll always expect you to do this so stop. Don't do it any more.

It sounds like he needs to be a head chef in someone else's restaurant. I would not agree to move if his restaurant doesn't make it, especially if his idea is to open a new restaurant somewhere else. Since you are the main breadwinner, you have a say.

I don't know if you can get him to a counselor to talk these issues through, but it would help if you did.

Yes it will get better. But right now you need to be happier in this time of your life. You dont want to look back at your children's young years and think, well we survived. You want to remember the cute things they did, and the fun you had together when family was their whole world. You want your husband to look back and remember he was their father during these yrs. Counseling would help you communicate without fighting. Read Mars and Venus In Touch to help communicate. Your message to your husband should not be "it's not fair, I do everything around here ( he IS working very hard for his family) It should not be "I feel neglected and we never have time" because he knows he is spending his time trying to be successful for his family. Your calmly delivered message must be "I love you and want a strong happy marriage" Remember when he complains about the problems with his restaurant your job is to listen sympathetically. There is no easy fix, and he has every right to be nervous.

Starting your own business/restaurant is beyond stressful. Yes, his mind is always on it. He looks for new cooking shows, ways to do things etc. so that it will be a success and he can take the pressure off of you. Sure it is hard, but if successful, worth it all. So try to hang. It will get better.

Oh. I had similar issues. I was the main breadwinner doing so much more for our young kids while he was gone trying to hit it big at work. I will say its h*** o* some men's egos to not outearn their wives. That makes them work more which we don't necessarily want and it's a vicious cycle. I can say it got way easier as the kids got older. They're not so much work so I'm not so resentful. And date nights really really do help. Hang in there. It'll be worth it.

Having young children is stressful. Working while having young children is stressful. Then you add starting a restaurant (a business that has a high failure rate) on top of it all and it's easy to be on stress overload. Your hubby knows the restaurant failure rate so that's extremely stressful.

At points in a marriage one partner's needs out weigh the others. Sometimes you are the lucky one who takes priority and sometimes it isn't you. You two have fallen into a communication pattern where when each talks the other doesn't hear. When he tells you the restaurant had a slow week and starts talking about moving you are trying to problem solve. Wrong tactic. You need to reflect what he's saying. "It sounds like you're really worried" might open a better line of communication.

Mostly I'll tell you that as long as you don't see his actions as directed specifically at you it'll be fine. If you can afford it maybe hire a cleaning service to come in and do the general cleaning so you'll have a little more time.

Ah...you knew all of this, I'm sure you know when he opened the place.
Your "end" is just very heavy right now, I'm sure.
Hang in there.
This is delayed gratification.
The payoff comes later.
But you already know that. ;)

Of course it will get better. I say that because something will change. His work will pick up and he will be able to relax more, you will become okay with his working those long hours and find a way to be 100% supportive of his efforts, or something else. It always does.

You NEED to talk to him. If he won't talk about it at home, go to a counselor. You will resent him if he doesn't understand your frustrations and do something to try to ease them.

Well, the best part of this, is that you said "we will overcome". That is a good attitude to have. I have lived my adult life, with a husband who has had the opposite schedule as me. It has been very tough. My kids are in high school now, so it's not so bad anymore. The thing you need to do, is to have a date night with your hubby on a regular basis. You have to carve time out for it, period. I mean like once every two weeks. Or do a date lunch. Just get rid of the kids for a few hours, and catch up, and talk a lot, and have sex! I think if you will take sometime for just yourselves, that things will brighten up. Good luck!

It's probably just a period in his life where he really feels the need to throw himself into his work for it all to pay off. That said, it is appropriate for you to let him know you appreciate how hard he is working for the family, but you hope he takes a break in the near future to help with the family and spend some time with you - which is equally important. Perhaps it is just a phase, and that would be acceptable. But, you can't all expect this type of relationship indefinitely.

Being the planner that I am, it's hard for me not to address the timing of a new inherently stressful business and two small children, seemingly without the benefit of effective communication between you. Did you guys discuss the expectation of your taking over all duties at home while he focuses on work? How in the world is he a "wonderful father" when he is disengaged whenever he is at home? What have you two established between you in order to ensure that you stay connected during the stressful times?

My husband is an industry that requires me to know when and how to approach him about certain issues. Everything that is going on in his life feeds his day and affects his demeanor, so timing and approach are everything when we have conflict. I need to do my part to make sure that he can receive it and we can work together. Sometimes my complaint can wait. It's hard to adhere to that when everything is coming at you, but you need to have a plan for dealing with what your life IS. So much is unpredictable. I just think that when you can plan for something, you should. There is never a point in the process when you can't just stop where you are and map out a plan for how you will proceed.

Right now, think about what needs to be done and what it might take to get it done. What is not quite priority? Don't expect him to be "around" like you are. Don't think in terms of who's carrying the weight. Be in get-it-done mode. When you need a break, take one. If you can get someone else to help you, do that. If you agreed that you would tough out this experience with him, then you need to just do it.

I don't know if this will get better, but it will get less stressful at some point. How are the kids doing? When my husband has to spend less time at home and with our son, I have to step in and ease the little one's soul. I tend to him. I convince my husband to make the most of his time at home. We have our moments together, and we do stop and focus on each other for minutes at a time, realizing that it will be fleeting. I support his efforts to focus attention on our son. We have already established our love for and devotion to each other and our marriage, so that doesn't require a lot of nursing. Our son does, because he is still learning. If that means that clothes are strewn about my bedroom for a week or the dishes stay dirty overnight, so be it.

Young children and a new business sounds stressful to me. Remember that it's just a season of life and it will pass. In the meantime, be honest with your feelings, but also be very gentle and gracious. The goal is to improve the state of affairs not damage them. And know that it will certainly pass and you'll look back on these days and say, "Boy, that was rough. I'm glad we stuck it out together and made it through".