Will Kids Be Talking About New Year's Slumber Party at School on Tuesday?

They probably will talk about it at school, but your daughter and her friends will have to learn how to deal with that kind of stuff. I had a talk with my daughter when she was in the first grade about how for the rest of her life she will be surrounded by people who may not like her and who she might not like, but in real life you have to figure out how to make that work. You can't switch classes or jobs just because you don't get along with everyone. If she gets upset at the girls, she is giving them what they want. It is better revenge to let it roll off her back.

Oh, yes, host something fun for your daughter and her friends, either a sleepover or just a neat time with a dvd, popcorn and whatever the girls want to do (within reason! :)).

It's good to teach our kids to let others do what they will, and to be concerned about making their own lives interesting in ways that are meaningful to them. Your conduct shows everyone what 'taking the high road' looks like, and this is a great example for your daughter and her friends.

It sounds as though this other mother/daughter pair are hard to read/easy to misinterpret, and you handled it well be redirecting the girls to focus on their own fun. If you keep up the habit of not taking these social slights personally, and just be positively responsive to this mother when she chooses to extend herself your way, you'll be modeling important skills for the girls. Everyone, in every walk of life, has to deal with people similar to this; sometimes, it's the girls at the office who got together after work but didn't think to invite you; or when in-laws or family do the same.

I can tell you from my own personal experience that some of these situations are not at all meant as a slight. However, if this woman is as hot/cold as you suggest, she's got her own problems and is likely modeling some confusing social practices for her child. And chances are, you and your daughter (and her friends) aren't the only ones to feel weird about this. Just think of all the girls who are going to this party... will some of them be invited the next time, or excluded? Sounds like a relief that your daughter is a bit outside this other girl's life and not within the direct sphere of influence, which would likely be even more confusing and mercurial.

Happy New Year's Eve to your crew. Wish my own mother had this sort of composure you are modeling. Pat yourself on the back there, Mama!

Best,
H.

PS-- If this other girl does say something untoward to your daughter or their friends, a polite but snappy comeback might be handy. "Oh, didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to discuss a party with people you didn't invite?" and walk away. Might let Little Miss Thing experience a bit of a reality check, maybe?

I love all of the M.'s posts and really this type of thing has gone on forever, even since I was a little girl. Ouch, long time ago, but still remember the snotty Queen Bees. Happy to say that I survived it myself. You are right with your advice and of course the best medicine will be your own party. If that happens to slip out in front of Queen Bee, oh well, oops did I say that? Please give your little sweetheart a hug from us.

You teach your girl... to ALWAYS be herself.
Teach your girl.... to speak up.
Teach your girl... why would she want to be friends with girls like that anyway?

My Daughter is 8 years old.
If that were my daughter, and she was not invited... my daughter would not care... my Daughter does not like girls like that anyway... and she will... speak up to them if they are 'mocking' her or bullying her or teasing her. She has a solid sense of self and is ALWAYS herself.
AND if teased further... my Daughter would tell the Teacher.
AND if that girl and her "Queen Bee" M., always acted like that to me or my Daughter... I would... explain to my daughter about people/their intentions/their attitudes/their not-being-so-nice but a PHONY.... and use it as a "teaching' moment for my daughter... so that, she learns that many people are just attention-seekers or pretend to be nice... but only want to harm you /tease you. And so.... how to handle people like that.

That is how my Daughter handles things like that, and I.... or how she manages herself... with other not as nice girls.... when/if she is treated that way. My Daughter can see right through people like that. And she is direct with them.

all the best,
Susan

I don't think you should "force" a party to try and get back at these people. If a party is something you want to do, do it and invite who you want to invite and be polite about it.

Your daughter could take the high road and if someone talks about the party to her (no matter the intention) she could say something like, "I'm glad you guys had a nice time." and then change the subject with something like "Who made resolutions?" When do we learn that we aren't invited to everything, aren't friends with everyone? I'd venture to guess most of us don't live in grand mansions so space is an issue if nothing else.

I'm not saying what these people did wasn't wrong, I'm just saying two wrongs don't make a right. AND when you think about it if you let them influence your actions, they have done what they set out to do.

As far as how you act around the M., (head volunteer) you are courteous to her but don't talk to her any more than you have too. She's not a friend, she's an acquaintance at best and a person who has shown she doesn't deserve any more from you.

Dear Kay -

I would be inclined to invite the 'un invited' for a slumber party...say New Years day/night so THEY have a party to talk about all THEIR own.

Donkey years go...when my best friend and I were in kindergarten...the other girls in neighborhood were a year or two older...and could be brownies. Meg and I just weren't old enough...and were DEVASTATED. My dad...a very wise man...devised the 'tannies' for meg and me (we were 'charter members'). I remember WE had campouts in the backyard (dad was sleeping near back door as I recollecet). Anyway, the tannies were LOTS more fun that the brownies...and of course the other girls were invited to 'join' as well. There was never any malicious intent with this on either part...but helped meg and I thru that 'left out' stage...and we both still have fond memories...

Good Luck
michele/cat

Is there time to plan a fun party with your daughter and the other children who weren't invited...even if it isn't a slumber party...and even if they weren't already friends...why can't they get together and do something fun and give them something to talk about at school?
Of course I would also encourage them to realize that life isn't always fair...and all people are not kind and caring about others. If you do plan something for them to do together...be sure that you don't do it with a "Here is something to throw in those nasty girls faces" attitude. Tell her that other people don't always make the wisest or kindest choices...but SHE can concentrate on being kind and caring to all of her classmates no matter how they treat her.
You can be a wonderful example to your daughter in the way that you deal with the Queen Bee's M....a big smile...kind words...cooperation in the class projects that you have to work on together. Don't let her rudeness and lack of good manners make you act like less than a lady!!! And don't bad mouth her to your daughter...that is really sending mixed messages.
Good luck and Happy New Year

WOW!! We are all on the same page here...I didn't read any of the other Mama's advice but we sure do agree with each other...we are quite the crew aren't we????

Why don't you have a party with your daughter and the girls who were not invited? They can talk about their own party. If not, don't worry about it and explain to your daughter that she will not always be included in things and that is okay. It is something she has to get used to as life isn't fair. As far as talking about the party, they may or may not??

Yes they will talk about it, yes they will tease her about it, they are kids in school and this is what happens. Even if she were to have her own slumber party she would be riddiculed and called a "copy cat" or what ever new term that have for that these days. Until or unless your daughter does NOT give her what she wants she will not move on. If it ain't broke don't fix it is a bully's motto ... what works works and no need to change targets if your current one is satisfiable. I was ALWAYS the target, I even got kicked out of girl scouts because of the school yard politics. Time to start learning/teaching life lessons.

Not all kids enjoy slumber parties anyway. My daughter had her first and last slumber party for her 10 year old birthday, and it was a disaster. She just can't stay up that late into the night, and the more tired she gets, the more overly sensitive and overwhelming it becomes. She's a morning person by nature, not a late night girl. Now she does enjoy an occasional sleepover with just one close friend at a time, never 2 or more, and never with certain girls who don't go to sleep and are bullies and terrors without adult supervision. My daughter is now comfortable accepting that while sleepovers and slumber parties are adored by many girls, it's just her favorite thing.

It sounds like you are handling this all very well and teaching your daughter the lessons that need to be learned. I think it is nice when you can invite everyone to a party but I think that maybe too difficult to do when you are having a slumber party. I guess it depends on what "everyone" is. Is that the entire class? If "everyone" happens to be a particularly large number of kids, that maybe a little bit too much for a slumber party.

Can your daughter have her own slumber party? You mention that you have an annual party but wouldn't it be nice to have her own slumber party that she can talk to her friends about? Or maybe her and her friends can have some kind of fun excursion with her friends (Chuck E. Cheese, ice skating, movies) so that they can also create their own memories and have time to really bond.

As for this other girl and her mother, I don't know what their deal is but I wouldn't put a lot of thought into them. If they are insincere and not very nice, then let them do their thing and you and your daughter do yours. I think giving your daughter opportunities to bond with her friends and create her own memories (instead of listening to other kids talk about theirs that don't include her) would be the best thing for her at this point.

Take the high road. "Sounds like fun" or "so glad you had fun" is the answer. But who would want to go to a party where the guest list is broadcast and advertised? This "hostess" is all about the attention and about making herself feel superior at someone else's expense. The proper emotion is sympathy for someone so wounded and insecure. Meanwhile, have your daughter schedule events with kids she really likes, not kids who use others. If this girl was really a queen bee, she wouldn't have the need to hurt others or make a point of letting them know they are excluded. Sounds like she learned it from her mother, poor thing. The best thing your daughter can do is not let this girl get a rise out of her. She should cultivate real friendships and learn what distinguishes them from unfortunate acquaintances. She should fill her life with fun and laughter, not drama. Don't let her get sucked into it. Have her plan alternatives. Does she REALLY want to be friends with someone who hurts others? Does she REALLY want to be an accomplice in that? I doubt it. Help her move on and have her own slumber party this weekend!

Maybe take the kids who did not get invited to the latest released movie, perhaps "Tangled" if that is their age group. That way they have something fun that is not copy-cat and they can have something to enjoy. I think the main point is to enjoy themselves regardless of what other people do. ON the other hand, a close friend of ours said that she could host about 10 kids at her house and her daughter had to choose. She wanted about 20 kids (from church, school, activities, etc.) but M. could a) not afford it and b) not fit all the kids in the house incase of rain. It was not meant as a snub and she made sure to invite the kids via phone and not via invitations handed out in front of others. However, this M. did tell her daughter to not discuss the party in front of class mates who did not get to come. If I were you I might discuss the queen bee behavior with the teacher, not about this party, but about the bullying that might be going on in class as well. Most school now have very strong anti-bullying rules. Good luck and have fun!

I would agree with considering letting your daughter have her own party with her own friends and not worry about what this other girl and her M. are doing. If these other girls are going to talk about their party at school, there's nothing you can do to stop that, and like others have said, your daughter will have to deal her whole life with people that act rude and are not always nice. The best way to handle these people is just be polite, and otherwise let everything else roll of your back - set an example for your daughter and don't expect much from them in terms of genuine friendship.

Start teaching your daughter that we cannot control the actions of others, we can only control how we react to them. Let her decide that she is going to do her own "cool" things, like having a great party with great friends all on her own, rather than thinking everyone else is cool and doing all the cool stuff that she can't be a part of.

Yes, they will be talking about it. Not sure if they'll be teasing.

Arghh Don't you hate the drama mama's.

Maybe you can sponsor a late movie or sleepover for the girls who were left out??

Hang in there... it doesn't get much better. My daughter turned 16 on Monday. She opted NOT to wait in line all day Mon to get a driver license. However, some other holiday kids did get the license on Monday. Yesterday my daughter was bombarded with texts from others chiding her because she chose to wait. GEES......I'll be so glad when this stage is over.

Just be there for your daughter and you are right to keep her out of the mess and not be pulled into it.