Working vs Not Working

Abbey,

I don't have much on most of your questions, but I did want to comment on the one about your mother in law watching your kids.

I guess what I wasn to say is, just make sure to ask her and make sure she's really being true with her answer. I say this because my MIL watches my nephews at least once a week, sometimes more. But my sister and brother in law never asked her if she still wanted to do it when the second child came along. She's tired and worn out and affraid to say anything to the parents, for fear she won't get to see the kids much at all if she doesn't babysit.

If you do ask and she says it's OK, just be sure to occasionally ask if it's still OK. Like maybe once a year or so.

I can't say much since I never had the choice financially to stay home. But I wanted to say that, no matter what your decision, you should consider yourself lucky that you HAVE a choice! and that you should keep your own needs in mind as well, because to be a good mom you have to feel good about yourself, and if working makes you feel good, go for it!

Hi Abbey,

I agree with the others that it's an entirely personal choice, but I'll share my thoughts and experience.

We had twins and I had to leave my job while I was pregnant (bed rest). I was (and am) going to school full time, but I took the first 4 months of their birth off and was a SAHM.

To be honest, I was miserable during those 4 months (combined with the 5 month bedrest, maybe). I was miserable enough to take Zoloft while I was trying to breastfeed and I was still miserable. I felt so disconnected with the world and called my employed friends to the point of annoyance (I think). I still miss working, but at least with going to school I get to interact with other people and do something I percieve as productive. I've also learned that leaving work for even a short time doesn't go without consequences. Of course I felt extremely guilty about how great it felt to be back in school but have taken comfort with what I see them learn at daycare and share at home.

I had to sit down and look at what EXACTLY do I like about work/school that makes it so enjoyable, and then weight those answers against being a SAHM. I would suggest try doing the same, but I doubt it'll be easy to come up with an answer.

I think you need to cautiously ask your MIL about watching the infant. My mother and "MIL" both say they can't handle 2 kids at once, and it really is a lot more work with 2, I imagine it's magnified with (parental) age as well. I don't think you'll be doing any harm in working part time and putting the kids in some kind of child care, in fact the social interaction may be very beneficial.

As a closing thought, remember, it's easier to regret something you didn't do than something you did do.

Good luck!

Yes, it is too much to ask your MIL to watch a two-year-old and a newborn a few times a week. The only reason it would be OK is if you are paying her average day care rates. If you aren't paying her, you may want to repay the favor when your daughter has kids and watch your grandkids a few days a week.

It sounds like you really like your part time job. If you can afford to pay your MIL day care rates and still work, you should. But...if you can't afford to pay for someone to watch the kids, you need to do it yourself. Good luck.

I agree that you are the only one who can decide what is right for you and your family. We can not tell you if you will regret working instead of being a stay at home mom. Make a pros and cons list, that might make it easier to decide if you have everything written out in front of you.

I miss working, so I have found a job where I work in the evenings 2 times a week (so about 10-15hrs a week). It gives me enough time to be something besides a mother and wife... which I love being but I also enjoy the working women part too.

Also ask your mother-in-law if she will be able to handle both of the kids... I love my mother-in-law but I am not sure she would enjoy taking care of a newborn and 2 year old a few times a week. It is hard enough for a young adult to do that, an older adult (said out of respect) may find it more challenging and feel they are no longer a grandparent but a drained caregiver... so approach your mother-in-law about it and ask her feelings on the matter.

Hi Abbey,
I think it's up to you about working or staying home. Deep down you know what is best for you. You have to decide if it would be better to get out of the house a few days a week or be home all 7. After each of my kids i subbed a few days a week. financially that is what had to be done. My MIL watched both kids for us. And no she wouldn't accept payment because they are her grandkids but we did make sure to do special things for her. When we moved, the in laws moved too and my MIL is still always there when we need her. You two will have to decide if she can handle it. Is she in good health? Does she enjoy watching your oldest? Does she enjoy babies are does she feel they are more work? Good luck on your decision and congratulations on your growing family:)

I'm not sure about the MIL part but as far as the stay at home part for the first year, I would do that if possible. I at a SAHM and have been for 5 yrs. My oldest is 5 and just started kindergarten. I felt that I should stay at home with my other 2 also like my first one got. I like it, I like watching all the firsts. I also work part time at night, to avoid the daycare thing. My husband works 8am-7pm and then I'm home with him for a half hour and then I work 8pm-2am only Monday, Wednesday and Friday unless I fill in for someone. I like it, I'm a late night person but I'm always up by 9am. If you have to work for financial stuff then you have to but if you can stay at home for 1st year I would do that. Or get a evening/night job. I've only been working for 1.5 months but I love it

I am a stay-at-home mom, so I am sorta partial...I say stay home with the baby for the first year. That time flies by so quickley, and you will NEVER get it back. You have the rest of your life to work, but only ONE first year. Think of everything you would miss out on. First smile, first laugh, first roll-over, maybe even first steps, etc. If it isn't an issue for you financially, STAY HOME!

I bet you get a TON of feedback on this! It is a hot issue. Good luck! :)

PS. I don't think it would be too much for the mom-in-law to watch the baby if necessary. She would probably love it! I guess it just depends on her attitude.

*I think NICOLE S. gave you EXCELLENT advice. I read hers after leaving mine...she sums it all up!

Hi Abbey,

I could take up some serious bandwidth with anecdotal advice, but you really won't be able to make this decision for yourself until after your baby is born. There is no way to predict what your emotions and family dynamics will be, if your baby will be laid back or will have colic, what it's like to care for 2 children, and if the baby will take a bottle well or not.

If I were in your shoes, I would stay home, at least for awhile. You will always have an opportunity to work outside of the home, but children are small for a brief period of time.

As for your MIL, you know her best. You will have to talk to her and see how she feels about babysitting two children. (Is she currently babysitting your daughter while you work?)

Good luck.

Tough one.
But... you are wondering if you will regret it, almost as if you know you will... I think the fact that you are asking is very telling.
As far as the bottle and breastfeeding goes, the youngest ones in my family have taken to both without problems. It is difficult to compete with the bottle sometimes because there is not much work involved there. But at the same time, the plastic nipple cannot compare to yours. Get nipples that force the baby to work for it (slow flow) and that will help you. Don't get small nipples either, make it so that their mouths look the same way as when nursing.
As for your mother in law, that depends on her health and overall disposition. If you ask her you will know for sure how she feels about it. If it were me though, I'd be scared... my son will turn 2 this weekend and my daughter is 2 months old... I know how crazy it can get!!

You ask if you'd regret going back to work and missing out on the first year. No one can answer that for you, we can all only offer our opinions. For me, I love staying home with my kids and I would be devasted if I had to work all day and miss them so much. I worked full time until our first was 2 years old, but my husband was able to be home most of the time with her so I didn't feel to guilty about it, but I always wanted to be the one that was there for her. Either way, raising children has its joys and challenges. I hear working moms say that stay at home moms have it so easy and I hear stay at home moms say that working mom have it so easy. I've done both and both are hard at times. As with all situations there are pros and cons to weigh. Do what you feel is right for you and your family. No one can tell you what you should be doing.

These are all really questions that you'll have to answer for yourself. Everyone's opinions will be very different on this topic...mostly because no one's value system and homelife is the same.

With that said, for me, I found that staying home full-time made the most sense both financially and for the overall well-being of myself and my family.

I really, really enjoyed being a career person. I would be lying if I said I don't miss it. But when I compared what I contributed to the family, especially the children when I worked to when I was home full-time, for us, being a SAHM was the best move...hands down!

In the beginning, we first went the route of having my mother watch our children while I worked part-time in the office, and the rest of the time from home (telecommutting). But those 20 or so hours might have well been 40 for my mother (so she said)! She refused to get paid, since it was "her grandchildren" but in a very short amount of time, she became resentful because juggling two kids (a toddler and an infant) was too much for her. She really was only interested in doing the "grandma thing" and not the being a "mommy" all over again thing.

She didn't have the nerve to tell us it wasn't working for her. In the end, she created a reason for a disagreement, and unbeknownst to me, I somehow wound up having a huge fight with her over "how" she was feeding the baby "her way" vs. "my way" . I didn't get it until later, but she ultimately got her way...out of taking care of the kids while saving face.

So after much chaos, I eventually wound up sending the kids to daycare anyway, and my mother and I barely spoke to each other for over 7 months...until Thanksgiving, when she was ready to be a happy family again and not the nanny. In hindsight...not worth it going the relative route. While it may save money, and give some peace of mind that you know your child is being cared for, it really is an imposition on the kindness of that relative. I mean really, there aren't too many grandmas that will say "no", if if they really want to. So if you want to save yourself that headache, just look for a good daycare right away.

When we finally did go the daycare route, anything worth sending our children to for the day, either near our work or home was way too expensive. Especially since it was for two children. I still had to put up with the kids being cared for in ways I didn't necessarily like, but at least I knew they were being cared for. After a few months of this, and doing the math, I discovered I was working to pay for daycare. The cost almost took my entire check...and the scary part was, I made a pretty darn good sized check as an "executive."

That discovery combined with the fact that I was seeing other friends who did leave their jobs enjoying milestone moments with their kids...and I wasn't. I tried to keep up breastfeeding, but with the type of work I did, it was impossible to find time to pump, though where I worked provided everything that was needed to do this.

After work, I was too tired to spend time with the kids...and sometimes had work that needed to be done at home, so even though I was with the kids my attention was divided.

I didn't even get into how much my hubby felt neglected..and to be honest, probably was being neglected the most, because I was putting everything else first.

For us, it just made more sense to me to just pick one career, instead of trying to juggle two. I picked being home with the kids and haven't looked back since. I have no regrets, especially when I get to be there for those milestone moments, and I have a much happier hubby.

We have less money, but in the end was a wash for us, because of the cost of daycare. With a little tweeking here and there with the budget, we're living quite contentedly.

I may go back to work...but for now, when I get that urge to be "social" or to sharpen my "skills" in the work world, I volunteer for projects in the community and at church. It's great, and I do manage to keep my "contact" files and resume up to date with this.

What's in your heart? I've always wanted to stay home but had too much debt. I didn't get to stay home until they were almost 4 and 2 and I wish I was there from birth on up but I couldn't. At least I have the time now.

If you like working and you've experienced staying home and prefer to work then work. What's more important to you? Can you stay home for the first year and then go back to work? Then you don't miss that first year and you can get to work without wondering I wish I stayed home.

If your family is willing to watch your two kids then there's nothing wrong with it. I'd offer to pay her though since it would be a regular thing.

dear abbey g
i undersand what you are feeling and going thew but i also had to choose my job or to consider my mothers help im not sure of your relationship status with your mom but please consider our children need to have and know thier parents are happy confidence parents becouse its what we would want for them think inconsidering the help of your mom and maybe a close friend or a short time working with a daycare i belive you will all benifit happy mom happy children couse they know and feel your unhappiness good luck and god bless you and your love ones
s.s.m

I think, ultimately, you have to do what's best for you & your family. Maybe it's not an "this or that" decision though.

I work full-time (out of financial necessity), but I work a non-traditional schedule so I can stay home with my two kids on Mondays. My mom also works a non-traditional schedule so she's home with the kids on Fridays. I get some SAHM time, she gets grandma time & the kids are only in daycare 3 days a week. It works pretty well for us. Mom's tired after her day with the kids, but she's knows it's one day with an almost 5 year old & a 5 month old - not days on end.

As for the bottle - I breastfeed my daughter & I was nervous about her taking a bottle when I went back to work. She refuses a bottle from me, but she'll take it from Grandma or Dad or even her brother! I was prepared for reverse cycling & long nights, but she's adjusted quite well. Kellymom.com has great information about introducing bottles & working & pumping. My daughter & I look forward to our time after school & work - we just hang out & nurse for an hour or so. It's great time to reconnect & unwind.

Anyway - congratulations & I hope it all works out for you!