Would You MAKE Your Husband Go?

I wouldn't "make" him go. Seems like there is a lot of history there, and ultimately, its their relationship and he is responsible for his actions, or inactions, and the outcome of that. Just my opinion. Good luck!!!

Men and W. handle these things differently. I wouldn't make him go unless he wanted to go.

My husbands grandfather passed and he didn't go to the funeral. That was different for me. I was caught off guard that he didn't do what he had to do to get there.

Now his Grandmother is very ill and is in hospice. I can't go either and don't think it is respectful for me to show up at a time like this when the focus should be on her and not me. Because I won't go, he wont go. This has nothing to do with me and he should go, but he wont.

I always just let him know I will help in any way. In fact, he snapped at me for trying to offer to find airfare 2 weeks in advance for him. I would not even attempt making him go.

As long as Bob is comfortable with his decision and he will have no regrets should something happen to his father, then leave the decision to Bob and be comfortable with his decision.

What does George want? That is what matters. If he doesn't want Bob there, then why would Bob go?

And another major factor to consider is what their relationship is like. Are they close, looking past the lack of verbal "I love you's"?

I have a rocky relationship with my parents, especially my Dad, and if my husband were "pressuring me" instead of simply "encouraging me" to go take care of my Dad, it would really bother me. I would encourage Bob, but then take a step back and let Bob and George decide what is best. Most people cannot understand the lack of closeness in a family and what that does to people and how it affects them when dealing with incidents like these.

I will be praying for your family in this tough time.

I would encourage the trip, but I would never MAKE my husband do anything. I trust that he has the wisdom to do what is good and right. I would let him know that I think it is a good idea, and that I support him 100% to go. And leave it at that. I pray that everything goes well.

i'm not sure "making" him go is the right route...but yes, i would encourage him to. i think it would be the RIGHT thing to do. and that's never a mistake. surely your husband will come around to it. be supportive and encouraging.

The only way I can make my husband do anything is by getting pushy, ugly, and just plain loud. It's a rather hollow victory then. I would make sure he knows you are fine with him going and that you think he should, then drop it.

Plain and simple. YES. He should go.

And then, on the topic of not saying "I love you" for most of his life... My dad also - not even to my mom. He also is from a Russian background. I think it was cultural. His parents didn't SAY it either... they ACTED it. He does sometimes say it now, but I also understandif he doesn't. He loves me and is so proud of me... as your husband's dad is no doubt of him. It is culrural AND generational.

Christmas can wait, this is important. I think Bob should go; I hate to say it but if something happened... he'd really beat himself up that he wasn't there.

In the same token, maybe that's why he's NOT going, maybe he thinks on some level that his dad WILL make it through with no complications since 'he wouldn't dare die without Bob there'... you know?

I would absolutely encourage him to go... keep me posted, you guys are in my thoughts!!

I think he should go.....and yes I would encourage my husband to go.

Encouragement is key I think, just as the other Mama's have said. We all know men handle things so differently than we do, but even they need to "man up" if you will when something like this is going on.

Cheryl, I'm terribly sorry for his father and your husband. He should go. He might be nervous about going. I think we, as kids, feel our parents are going to live forever. This might be a little scary for him in that his mother is gone and now his dad is ill. There isn't that buffer between life and death. I will keep all in my prayers!

Well, you can't make him do anything but, I would strongly encourage it!! If he is apprehensive about going, talk with him about it. Get him to say why it would be good/ bad idea to go/ not go. Sometimes hearing it come out of your own mouth is better then to have it pushed from someone else. How does his sister feel? Do you think she needs support through this, or is she telling him that she has it all under control?
Ultimately it's his decision. Tell him how you feel, discuss it and then let him make the decision.
I hope the surgery goes well! Keep us informed of his progress.
Take care.

he should go and be there before the dad goes into surgery. then find out what the plans are as to the after surgery care. then when he is home if it is feasible for your hubby to do it he should. but I would think he should be there before and during the surgery.

My hubby's Dad was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and we are the only family NOT in NY (he has two sisters and his mom) and we were kinda kept in the dark about what was going on. Well - about 2 weeks prior to surgery his Mom calls us and starts just ripping into me about how my hubby doesn't care about his Dad, doesn't seem upset, and that he (the dad) is going to have major surgery to remove a kidney diseased with cancer a few weeks later.

I thought my husband should DEFINITELY be there - I would have been on a plane faster than you can say plane if my mom or dad was in those straits. My hubby had no interest - felt it was a waste of time (we were going to be flying back just a month or so later for a surprise birthday party for the Dad) and that it wouldn't help his Dad in any way. So he didn't go. Later - his Dad got better - then got worse - and died only about 6 months after this conversation.

I asked him if he wished he'd gone back when he had the surgery- and even after all that - he still said no.

Men are just weird like that - don't force it

Cheryl,
I think Bob should go too, but I don't think you can MAKE him go. Explain to him that this is for Bob, not George. Every time he has some little exposure to his Dad it will help him work through his feelings...... something that will be a lot harder once his Dad is gone.

Survivors are complicated people. Bob may just come to realize that people can only be who they are. They can't be who you want them to be...... and that is without the extenuating circumstances of being a concentration camp victim. George was finally able to say "I love you." That is pretty monumental in the situation you describe. I would advise that you do your best to help Bob see that, encourage him to go....... but remember that Bob is responsible for his own actions and will be the one to live with them. Let go of what you want him to do, and just stand beside him in his struggle.

He should go. If he doesn't and something bad happens, he will regret it.

My opinion? Yes...he should be there.
It's his father.
His father is a widower.
Family first. Regardless of the "closeness" in their day-to-day.
If Bob is trying to have a relationship wit his father, this will help.
He can't change his dad, but he CAN change himself. He can call his dad weekly if he wants to, right? Daily, really.

I would prefer my husband fly, not drive 8 hours alone (although he routinely does that for work, but not with the attached emotion).

He is most likely torn between Christmas with his family (you guys) and being where he "should." Maybe he needs to hear it (again) that it's OK for him to go. And OK for him to stay as long as he needs to.

It sounds like a great opportunity for him to get closer to and be there for his dad AND bury the hatchet with his sister. You know, get it ALL out on the table in an adult, mature, non-accusatory way!

Now "making" him go? If you can figure that out, clue all of us in. I suspect that he will go if he chooses to go.

I wish I could MAKE Jeff do something :).

I guess it depends on Bob's relationship with his dad. All people are different and so if he isn't close with him, then he may not really want to be there. Why force it, right? If it were my dad, someone would have to chase me and catch me to stop me from getting there.

How far away is it? Is it doable in a day to get there, spend some time, and get back?

It may be important for the boys for Bob to be at home for Christmas. And it may be more important for him to be at home with you and the boys than with his dad - depending on the relationship there.

I'd like to hope that Jeff would make it for stuff like that, but we can't force them to WANT to do something, and if you figure out how to MAKE your hubby do something - please share the secrets!!!

Just to put a little spin on this...my mom's mom lives in Silver Spring, MD...maybe 90 minutes from where I am. She and I have never been close - my mom isn't even a huge fan of her. Would you be a fan of your mother if she beat into your head growing up that she only had you to try to save her marriage? And when you were 16 and had to have a breast biopsy that she was taking you solely because it was against the law not to? This W. needs some serious divine intervention to make it through the pearly gates one day. My kids are 8, 6, and 4...she does not know their names. She refers to them as "those "n" children" - I won't say the word, but you know what I mean. I have not spoken to her since I found that out and she went through a rough time when we thought she was not going to make it. I would not visit her nor would she want me there. There is no relationship there...so I wouldn't go for her. She's the ONLY person I wouldn't go for though.

So my point is that all family relationships are different :).

Yeah, he should probably go. If he can be there before the surgery that would be best.

BUT, if he can't be there before the surgery, another idea is for him to go a few days after the surgery, because he might need help at home at that point. The first few days they are usually in the hospital and often sleeping so there's not much a visitor can do.

Yes you should make him go.

My father just had heart surgery and there is a significant recovery associated with it. If the sternum is opened then your FIL will not be able to use his arms for a few weeks to push himself up, he will need help with getting around the house and even with keeping track of his medicines. If he does not have anyone with him you may suggest that the family consider a rehab facility for recovery. My brother flew down from MA to DC for two weekends in a row to be with dad. My Uncle and mother helped him recover at home. I was unable to be there and help much as I had my second son by c-section 3 days before his surgery. I still wish I could have been there and feel badly for not being able to help more.

This may be an opportunity for your husband to reconnect with his family. It will mean a lot for him to be there even if it is not said outwardly. His absence will be noticed as well.

Good luck! I hope your FIL has a successful surgery and a speedy recovery.

Well there is no "making" anyone in my house do anything, but I would strongly urge him to go.

I would encourage him to go, but men are so weird on these sorts of things. At the very least, he needs to call his dad and ask what he can do to help, letting him know that he is completely available to drop everything and come to take care of him.

I think he should go too. At least to be sure his dad is OK and/or not alone. Everyone is different in how they handle things, being a prisoner there may have caused him to be more distant from people. This is his father and no parent is perfect.

If he's anything like you (and I mean that with the greatest respect, 'cuz I like ya) I don't think you can "make" him do anything. But I would very strongly encourage him to. I agree that you can always have Christmas a little early or a little late---it's just a calendar date and nothing compared to someone's LIFE. (In fact, I'm reminded of the story of "the good Samaritan" and the guy who couldn't help because he was busy doing good things--church, giving alms, whatever). Santa came early to our house a couple years ago for something less that this.
I've seen men that were scared to face things (my grandpa refused to think grandma was sick---she's just feeling low, she'll get better, the old girl's ok) but she did die. Mom took a leave of absence from work while my brother and I took care of everything at her home, so she could take care of Grandma those last 2 months. I was kind of mad at first but then I realized he just simply couldn't bring himself to face the mortality of someone he adored. Same thing could happen if he's had some unresolved differences with him; I dunno the story there. But it may be daunting and scary for him. But I think it'd be the right thing to do.
I would think it'd be good to be there for a little support, even for just a couple days. If everything is looking ok, he can always come home knowing his sister is nearby.

Encourage him to go, but realize you can't MAKE him do it.

Men can be weird about things. Sometimes they may seem not to care when they are really scared and not sure how to express it.
Let your husband know that it's okay for him to go and then leave the rest up to him.

I will keep George and your family in my thoughts.

It really depends on the relationship they have.
If his Dad called, he might want a visit (just in case it's the last chance), but he might not want his son taking care of him.
Some men want to be fussed over when they are recovering but others find that to be very stressful.
Their relationship is theirs and it is what it is - not what anyone else wants it to be.
Your husband should ask his Dad what he wants (visit or no visit, post surgery care from him or not, etc) and then try to do what his Dad wants.
Whether it comes now or later, someday his Dad will be gone.
Your husband should do what he feels will make a satisfactory peace for him and his Dad (and that may not be what your ideal of the situation should be).

it depends i mean if your hubby doesnt feel comfortable then dont make him go, but if hes just worried about christmas reassure him it will be fine. also you dont say how far away he would have to go

I don't know the family dynamics of your family...so I can't give an opinion. What I can suggest is that you let your husband know that you support whatever decision he makes. My husband has truly surprised me at how helpful and supportive he has been since his elderly (86 yrs old) has begun having some serious health issues. There has always been a distance between them...it was nothing for them to get in a tiff over something and LITERALLY go years without speaking with each other. This has been a long standing issue ( They did not attend our wedding 42 years ago....so you see it isn't anything new). But he has really stepped up in the past 18 months or so. I like to think that maybe my example had an effect on him...I am an only child and I was very close to my family...and was with both of my parents during their illnesses and medical issues.
You can't MAKE your husband do anything that he doesn't want to..and you shouldn't put any pressure on him or make any judgements...let him decide what feels right to him...and let him know that you are going to be there for him!!
Prayers for your FIL...for a great outcome from this heart problem.