My 12 year old son has liked the same girl since 5th grade (now 7th). She knows he likes her. Up until now, I treated it like a simple 'crush'. But, Friday he came home from school and said that Katelyn likes guys who are 'punk'. So now he wants to go to the mall, to a specific store that this girl told him about, and completely change his wardrobe for her. He wants to pierce his ear, too. This is all about a girl! I honestly didn't think too much of it, but when I told him no, that he should not change who he is for anyone, and that he should want her to like him for who he is, not where he shops or what he wears, he was devastated. I told him that her preferences will change, as will his, as they grow up, and that clothes are just "things" - they don't make you who you are inside. He cried, told me it wasn't fair, etc. After our conversation, I just let it go, thinking it may pass. He keeps bringing it up, asking what he can do around the house to earn money to buy the new clothes, etc.
Have any of you moms dealt with something like this?
Hi, A.:
First thing, do not let this go. This is a milestone that needs to be worked through with
loving kindness.
Listen, listen, listen, and ask questions, ask questions, ask questions.
You've said "NO" and that is final.
See what choices you can give him so he can have some degree of control.
Good luck. D.
At 12, it is normal for children to want to try on different identities for social reasons. Let him earn money and buy what he wants. As long as it's not permanent, it doesn't really matter. He is hearing the messages that you're giving him about this girl, but he has to experience these things for himself. Keep reinforcing your message, but let him make safe mistakes when you are there to pick up the pieces. That's the way that your child will grow and learn.
I remember when I was a teenager (back in the 80s) I had huge hair, dark nail polish and weird clothes...I looked terrible and my mom hated it...it's a phase and it shall pass. I would agree for him to buy punk clothes that are not that punk, kind of like:"Ok, I'll buy you just a couple of items - but ONLY 2" so he feels a certain freedom (because he can choose), a certain relief (because he's doing what he feels he needs to do) and can go and experiment on a very sensitive issue which is "love" at his age. I would give him this option making sure he understands that by limiting the amount of punk clothes he can have, he can still be true to himself and at the same time "try out" the new style and see if it works for him. Tell him that by exaggerating, many guys look RIDICOLOUS, that should keep him from getting a mohawk or pierce hi earlobe, or wearing eyeliner (bad side effects of being punk!)...he surely does not want to look like a fool in front of her! Since you have such a great way to communicate with him, I would also tell him that his change must be subtle otherwise she will think he did for her...and that is NOT COOL. A., I know you'll find the right things to say, I just thought I would travel back in time and remember how we used to think when we were teens...it was all about being cool and fit in the group of peers, I say this is a stage everybody goes through, we mothers know it, so let's guide them...at least they won't rebel on us and they' won't go too crazy with fashion!!! Good luck
one more thing, at least he is able to talk to you about this..... keep that in mind too... give a little to keep the communication open or he'll do it on his own behind your back.
Your boy sounds like a normal kid for his age. I think I would let him do a few of the things within reason of course. It won't hurt either if he has to work to earn money to do those things. The lessons you are trying to teach him about not having to change himself for anyone are being heard but just are not sinking in at this time; they will sink in eventually. Meanwhile he has to do some things to find out these things. Let him do what is in reason. If he wants to color his hair all sorts of weird shades or something let him do it; it is just hair. What is inside him is what really counts and he will learn that. Maybe a few of the clothes may be ok to and even getting his ears pierced is not all that bad. If he changes his mind some time after he has had his ears pierced all he has to do is not put the ear rings in and the holes will close naturally.
Just thought I would add that I grew up in the Kenmore, WA area so you are in my old stomping grounds although I'm sure I wouldn't recognize a lot of the area any more. I still have 6 brothers and 1 son up north of you in the Everett, Lynwood & Snohomish areas.
Id let him earn the money for new clothes and have him start at a second hand store or goodwill to buy them. You never know what you can find at those places. But I would definitely say no to the pierced ear.
I think there's something bigger at stake here. Your son is lacking in self-image if at 12 he thinks he needs to change for a girl. You need to build him up and bring out the best in who he is...teach him to make good choices...and lead the pack...not follow it. I have a 13 YO son and he knows there's lots of time in life to be serious about the opposite sex...but this isn't it...too much to learn about himself first...
I'm sure this is so hard for you. My little boy is only 4 and I know I'll be dealing with the same kinds of things. I think that maybe you should let him try some changes. Maybe not the piercing if it really bothers you. Isn't this age about self discovery? We as adults understand that we shouldn't change ourselves to please someone else, but how did we come about that understanding? Did someone tell us, or did we make the realization ourselves. And to quote you the clothes are just "things" and they won't change who your son is inside. He's still your little boy and your son, nothing he does to his appearance will change that. I do think it's great that your son talks to you about these things. That already speaks volumes about your relationship with him. Best of luck to you!
Girl friend is going through a 'bad boy' phase. She may grow out of it in a month, a year or a decade - every one is different. She doesn't know what she wants and will change her mind as often as her mood changes. Explain to your son part of growing up means everyone grows to become their own person and he'll be happiest being true to him self rather than trying to fit into someone else s fantasy. She might be trying to tell him he is just not who she is looking for and his feelings for her are not returned. In which case his trying to attract her back is just going to hurt all the more. They might break up, and a break up at any age hurts. Don't try to keep them apart, but get him involved in some activities where he can meet more people. Perhaps he will eventually see there are more fish in the sea. (PS - do you know the girls parents? How do THEY feel about her bad boy phase? They might be having a fit over it themselves.)
I agree with most of the posts. Let go a little, try a few "goth lite" things, but don't let him totally change his look. If for no other reason, you need some place to go from here. If he gets to dye his hair and get a piercing at 12, are we looking at tattoos at 15? I have an 18 year old son and a 15 year old daughter, so I've been through some of this already (and still to go with my daughter). Yes, you have to pick your battles, but the art of compromise is also a good lesson.
Good luck.
I doubt it'll help her accept him any better, but as long it's just hair and clothes... what's the harm. (I have my own opinion about an ear pierced. At least it can/will grow up when he out grows it.) He'll likely outgrow the girl AND the new image. It's important to let him know YOU accept him no matter his image. You might not enjoy the new clothes/etc, but you still love and accept him. You can be honest of your opinion, but give him some room to explore his own style. And whether or not it started with a girl, he's likely to start making changes anyway. You can draw some lines if you accompany and help a little with funding. You reserve the right to veto specific items as long as it's not ALL items he picks out.
Been the teen route (and he's almost there) and done THAT! Don't stress. At least he feels good enough to talk to you about his thoughts, feelings, and girls... I'd give him a little room to explore.
:-)
TinaC
Stick to your guns! You set the standards for your son and you need to respect those limits and he does, too.
That being said, there is nothing wrong with him working to earn extra money, as long as it doesn't mean he's getting paid to do things he is supposed to be doing anyway. A good plan (to boost his GPA as well as his bank account) Is to give him a certain amount of money (ten cents or a quarter) for each "A" he brings home on a school paper and a great amount for each "A" he brings home on his report card. This will encourage him to work harder at school - can never underestimate the value of that! It also means a rather protracted peiod while he is building up the money to buy his new duds.
On another level, you might encourage him to ask her if she would like him better if he was 'punked'. If the answer is yes, have him ask her why. Obviously, with a 12 y/o reasoning doesn't work all that well., so you just need to exercise a little more compassion and remember, at that age, kids are just starting to come into their own. They ar less a 'kid' and starting to 'feel like' an adult. (Even though it will be years before they realize just how much more they had to learn!) Keep trying to remind your son, as subtly as possible, that it's what inside that counts. That's one of those messages that won't really sink in for a few more years but, if you plant the seed now, it will grow, like all flowers and good investments, in the future.
Too bad we don't get hazard pay for good parenting, eh?
honestly i don't see a problem with letting him earn money to buy clothing he wants. of course the piercing is ridiculous for a 12 year old, lol...but the rest, why not? he's not changing who he is on the inside, he's changing his look and being this age often means finding your look. i don't think it's a huge deal. who he "is" isn't going to change. now if he starts hanging out with this girl and you start seeing him be mouthy and disrespectful, and he says that "she" thinks it's cool, THEN it's time to put your foot down. but i think a man SHOULD put out a little effort to please a girl. if it's only how he dresses and does his hair, what's the harm? (shoot, think about all the money we girls put out for clothes, makeup, hair, etc - TO PLEASE MEN. give him a break mom :)
As a former "goth" child I will say that yes he may be doing this for this girl but it also has to do with fitting in. Ask him if the girl changes her mind and likes something else next week will he change to that also or is he trying to find his place in his circle of friends. For me, I changed because I loved the music but also because all my friends were dressing that way too. No one is totally and completely an individual. We all follow someone else's ideas or the way they dress and act. I don't think your son is being unreasonable and at 12 that is a prime time for kids to try to fit in and become their "own" person.
Sounds like you've warned him as much as you can. I say let him earn money to buy the clothes. And let him choose what he wants to spend that money on - the expensive real thing or the goodwill version. So, sure, he may get his heart broken, but this is a lesson best learned early when the relationships are so simple. And best case, the clothes will help him feel more confident and like he fits in. For a 12 year old boy, that is a big deal.
Worst case, if his heart gets broken AND he doesn't fit in, well, he'll spend his money on less frivolous things next time, right? These are lessons he's going to have to learn through experience, not anecdote, unfortunately.
Great question and great answers! My daughter's 13 and my boys are 11. I may be facing this same issue not too long from now. As I was reading the answers, I heard the phrase, "Pick your battles," going through my head. The only part I'm not comfortable with is the piercing. I've seen quite a few guys with a scar on the ear lobe and even holes above the eyebrow, etc. In fact, a second piercing on one of my ears has never closed even though I only wore an earring there for 2-3 years...and that was 25 years ago. Thanks to everyone.
