17 Month Old Tantrums

I've been reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block and it's helped me realize a lot, mainly how to speak to the toddler in "toddlerease" so they can understand you. I just read the sections that apply to the age group we're going through at the time.

I also just read an article that making a child sit in an actual place or time out for the time out is not that necessary until they are much older. That was good news because my 2-year-old would immediately get out of the time-out chair and I would have more of a struggle keeping him in the chair than whatever it was that was the initial problem that got him in the chair in the 1st place. Tension would build and build until no one was happy. The article suggested that as long as they have stopped the behavior, let them sit on the floor-next to the time out-chair, or wherever they end up. Some kids are more stubborn and spirited than others. When they are older (like 3) and can understand the concept better......then you can start using the chair and a minute for each age, etc. I do not expect my 2-year-old to sit in time out for a full 2 minutes. He sits until he calms down and he knows this so he calms down much faster now and even offers apologies sooner vs. later.

I just found out about an AWESOME book titled "How to have a new kid by Friday" I am only on Wednesday and LOVE IT! Give it a try...

A little about me:

I am an EXTREMLEY busy Mom of 3. 14,8,1 I work full time sales from home with in home help from Family.

Ok, here's the thing...tantrums, I believe, do not warrant a time out because they are not trying to do something wrong - they are simply frustrated and cannot handle anything at that time. AFTER the tantrum is when to carry on handling the situation at hand - such as if the child wants something, and then explain how it will work (you may have one cookie now, and one after dinner).
SO - during the tantrum, what you need to do is this: STAY CALM. Your child is out of control and NEEDS YOU to be IN CONTROL. So that's the first job - and it's a tough one! So you, matter-of-factly sit down close to the child (you don't want to abandon her/him and you also don't want to send the child away) and tell the child "I am right here for you when you are ready to be calm and stop crying. I will wait for you to stop crying." Then you sit and just don't say anything. Don't read or watch TV - just sit and wait with no emotion, or maybe a sympathetic smile every now and then. Don't try to touch the child or hug the child - that just makes them madder usually. This can take a good 20 min. but it means so much to the child to know you're totally there for them and calm. Second, when the child stops and the dreaded tantrum is over - be right there to give a big, reassuring hug and tell him/her that you love them. After that - then you calmly say what you will do about the situation, how keep saying positive things like "I'm so glad you are listening" or "you're such a big girl", etc. But do NOT give in - try to let that child have some control over what he/she wanted to begin with. Let them have some say in the matter - give them a choice. At that age, they simply want to have some say-so in the matter. It's usually not about WHAT the object is, it's just about that little bit of control. I'm positive you'll see a difference, and you'll feel so good about taking charge of this. Also, your child will feel so good that he or she can help make a decision (self-esteem).
Good luck,
M. C.

I recommend a book, "Holding Time" by Martha Welch. She advocates holding a child through a tantrum (not every single time). This can be a difficult event (there are ways to do this safely) and the child eventually calms down. You say things like, "I see you have a lot of angries, I'm going to hold you until all the angries get out." At the end of the "holding time" the child and parent really connect and restore the relationship. I cannot sufficiently describe this method, so I recommend the book. I have used it with my daughter and son and it was effective. Above all, the child needs to learn that the parent is in control and such behavior is not acceptable. Always keep your cool and do not let him have his way during a tantrum. It sounds like you'll need nerves of steal on this one!
S.
thefridj.com

I'm sorry you think your son is a screaming little monster when he doesn't get his way...he is screaming because he wants/needs something from you and isn't sure how to tell you, is my best guess. My son started the same behavior at the same age...

Your son is too young for timeout, and is not at the age where he can comprehend discipline in the form of a timeout...my son's doctor said to wait until well after two with structured discipline formats. These work best when kids can talk and comprehend concepts.

We have had so many posts like this recently, and there is a lot of good feedback from the link Susan posted below. So, should take a peak if you have a chance.

I don't know what kinds of situations your son is reacting to, but for me it was when I was busy doing something else...washing dishes, laundry or on the phone. It pains me to think of a little one crying, or being left to cry and scream when he isn't 'getting his way'. Our kids are in a constant shift from one developmental stage to another. My son, would cry or act out, when he couldn't find the words for what he wanted. From the time he was very little, I would point to things and explain what we were doing. It's a huge sing of frustration.

I do my best to take a deep breath and say, "Honey, Mommy can't help you when you scream. Please relax and show me what you want." Kids react to how we react, so if we react in a frustrated and upset manner we're just making it worse. For us, talking things through with my son helped us so much. It helped with word recognition, and now when he starts to 'freak out', I do a variety of things...sit down next to him, and hold his hands while talking to him or just hug him and explain that I need him to help me understand what he needs from me.

It may sound like my son runs my world, and well maybe he does, but we have developed a communication and bond that allows me to look my 2 year old in the eye and say 'Mommy is busy right now, and I would love to play with you but I need to cook dinner first"...9 times out of ten, he gets it and will ask to help me.

So, I wish you the best...and hope my rambling helped a bit.

My daughter is 17 months and it seems like she started "terrible twos" a month or so ago! I guess I am not the only one going through it. I think she just doesn't have any words to express her disappointment and frustration so it comes out in a wail or a screech. Sometimes the loud crying and dropping onto the floor too...

I don't think it is a tantrum at this age because it seems like a pure expression of the emotion at that particular moment. To me, a tantrum is when they do all that yelling and screaming to try to get what they want and manipulate you. I think 17 month olds are not advanced enough for that.

When my daughter starts having a fit over something (usually because we had to take something away from her) I just pick her up and hug her, acknowledge the emotion---> "I know, you are so sad that you can't play with that" and move to another room and try to do a complete distraction with her.

We had this issue with our 2nd son when he was 12 month old! I placed him on teh nauty mat and literally had to put him back 27 times in a row (I was nearly in tears). He finally got it. It took 3 more episodes and he has sat on the naughty mat the first time and I make him walk himself, since someday he'll be bigger than me, I don't want to physically force him. Free will is a beatuiful thing. Sure they scream, but you put them in the place where they can't see you. I never go get the kids off the mat until they've been quiet for 30+ seconds (which seems like eternity for them) and are in control. Our 2nd son did this increased screaming deal and I calmly went and shut the door of the room he was in after I gave hima choice: "Stop screaming or I shut the door." Usually, he stops immediately. Other than that, I do not talk to him and I forbid anyone else to talk with him while he's on the mat. Our 2nd son was a TOTAL handful and we stuck to our guns and were consistant - and now he's 2.5 and MUCH easier to handle....and he's happier.

Never use his bed as a punishment....you're right on that.

Congratulations on your normal healthy toddler!! First of all, he needs to know that you know what he wants, so tell him "You want that green permanent marker" Then tell him why he can't have it "You can't have it because it is dangerous for you, and I need for you to be safe" Then tell him what he CAN have "You can use this blue crayon instead" That is the most important part, and you can give him several choices, too. Hopefully he will be so distracted by the choices that he will get over it.

This is a process... It is great that you are teaching him sign language. I had great signing experiences with both of my kids.

Don't let up!!!! My godson was just like that at the time I was taking care of him for a year. We battled it out and I guess you could say I won. He is very strong willed and one of the smartest children I know. My own grandson was the same way, he has developed into a wonderful smart young man. It is not easy but keep in there and don't give up. There is a book about raising strong willed boys, by Dr Dobson I think. My daughter used it. The best thing I can say is don't let up now, get a break when you need it, perhaps from a friend that supports your efforts. Good luck, you have an awesome man in the making.

I know this sounds strange, but have you ever watched the program with the Nanny. Where families need help with their kids that seem to run all over their parents. They have some great advise. Remember you are the mom, the child must be made aware of this. The child must know that their behavior is unacceptable. You must teach them young. You are the stronger one. I hope that you will follow the link from the other mom too. Good luck to you.

Hi
My youngest daughter was like this - I'm sure it's a phase. She is very strong-willed and would NEVER have accepted the 'naughty chair' or suchlike.

My suggestion (and what worked for me) is to simply say to your child that you cannot understand what they are saying when they whine/scream/shriek and that it makes you sad. Then walk away into another room/place. My daughter used to follow me to continue her tantrum, but eventually got the message when she was ignored, that it wasn't going to work.

As soon as she 'came around' from her tantrum she would come for cuddles and all would be fine. Sometimes children need an outlet to vent, and tantrums are the easiest way, when they don't have the vocubulary etc.

The other thing is DISTRACTION. Try to head off the tantrum before it starts. So if he wants something he can't have, offer him something different. When he refuses and begins the tantrum, THEN you have to explain you can't deal with that and walk away. But many times, distraction works!

Hope this helps!
C. x

The best tact for us was complete withdrawal of our attention, completely ingoring the negative behavior and acknowledging/attending to the more pleasant behavior. The ignoring had the quickest effect and extinguished the tantrum faster than any other method we tried. Also, we found the tantrums usually came when the child was most tired or hungry. Best of luck...stay calm and matter-of-fact in your own demeanor, they learn how to act/react from Mom and Dad.

Our son is 19 months old and often throws many tantrums. Dad is a stay at hom dad. When our 19 month old and soon to be 3 year old throws a tantrum and starts crying as loud as possible, dad directs them in a stern voice straight to their room to throw their tantrum and explains to them that once they stop crying they can regroup. With consistency and repitition they now know the rules and they sometimes take off to their room before needing to be directed and return back immediately. The point is, you cannnot give them attention during their tantrum. If they feel like releasing stress they can do so on their own.

Rent the Best Toddler on the Block dvd has some great advice

I just went to a lecture by Dr. Harvey Karp about how to handle tantrums and "talk" to toddlers. Maybe you could get his dvd The Happiest Toddler On the Block. His ideas sounded good and it seemed like they work from all of his examples and videos. One thing that he said was that you can put a Pack-N-Play somewhere in a corner with no toys or anything and use that as a time out spot.

Hi..
mine started at 18 months... i didnt use a crib eather, for the same reason as you... i did use the time out though... eventually, it worked for me... why dont you set up a playpen and put him there... just make sure its sturdy... he cant get out, and everytime he missbehaves, tell him its not OK, and i'm sure he'll do it again right away... and then take him out of the environment and put him in there for 2 minutes..i had one of those kitchen timers that beeped when his time was over.... but do give him a warning... they understand more then we give them credit for... that way, when he does something he's not supposed to, that could be his "naughty" spot technique... eventually, they all get it... mine's almost 3 and still goes to time out... and afterwards, we're best friends again... we appologize, hug, and make up...so i think consistancy is key...
good luck...

terrible twos is all he is going into, the more you pay attention to it the more he will scream, pay attention to the quiet gustures only this will pass depending on you

My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 1.5 years old.

With my son and now my daughter, I put them in Time Out in their cribs/rooms. It never gave them a negative experience for bedtime. In fact, since we trained them early on to self soothe when they sleep, both my kids find time outs in their room or crib to be a place of relaxation. Don't get me wrong, they still pitch a fit when they know they are being put in time out, but they also know that they will be left in Time Out until they calm down. With my daughter, when I put her in Time Out in her crib, after a few minutes of crying, you can hear her on the monitor lay down in her crib and let out a big sigh of relief and start sucking her thumb. Then after a few minutes I go in to get her and she doesn't want to come out :)!

What I am trying to say is if your son has a positive experience being in his crib already, I don't think putting him in Time Out there will negatively affect him. If it's a place that he associates with being safe and cozy, he will know that he is in a safe place when he is in Time Out.

I will also let my kids just have their tantrum if we are at home. I try to ignore it, then after a few minutes I try to address the problem. Then if a tantrum still is ongoing, they get put in Time Out.

Just be consistent...at least that's what I have been told by many loving, caring, God Loving Moms who have raised their kids already. Parenting is about love and consistency.

Hey K,
I know what you're going through. My son is the EXACT same!!! He can be the sweetest lil thing and then when it doesn't go his way he turns into a screaming demon (and I do mean that in the most loving way, lol) He hasn't always been this way, just recently he started this behavior. I know how frustrating it is, especially knowing that all his needs have been met and he is fighting for something he can't have. I started yesterday getting down at his eye level, putting my finger on his lips and saying sternly "No Scream"....since of course I can't sit and explain why I don't want him to scream...since a 1 yr old doesn't have the comprehension for a big explanation (especially during a tantrum of screamin)...I did learn that in my child development classes and have seen in my 15 years working with children. Although all children are different and some do comprehend more than others. You know your child more than anyone else....but I would recommend consistency with what ever method you choose. I did stick with the stern "NO" method throughout my evening yesterday and so far it seems to be working. Best of luck with your lil guy. Let me know how it turns out.....maybe you find a better method and you could help me out. :)

My 18 month old does the same thing. I have tried a couple of approaches - when its a medium type of tantrum, I just grab a hold of her and start hugging and kissing her and tell her its okay to be mad. It usually distracts her enough - how can you be mad when momma is hugging and kissing you? When its a full-on tantrum, I let her lay down on the floor and get her frustration out and tell her I understand she's mad, its okay, but she cannot ____ right now. When she has calmed down a little bit, I pick her up and hug and kiss her. It does not always work, but certainly none of the other things I have tried have been at all successful...sometimes walking away helps too (especially of you are at home). My little girl just tends to follow me at that point, curious what I am doing now...Good Luck :-)

Read these links, which were posted recently:

http://www.mamasource.com/request/recent/96824/1225229242/16

All the best,
Susan

Hi Karleen,

I am right there with you! My 17 month old son is in the same phase. I didn't read all the responses but I did see some references to tantrums. This doesn't sound like a tantrum to me. A tantrum is when they lose control, but this sounds more like my son right now, screaming because he doesn't get his way but he could stop if he wanted to. He does know some signs too which helps avoid the frustration. The problem is the things he cannot have - just like you!

Just this morning it was some cookies he saw & couldn't have. He screams & gets mad when I say no & explain why we can't have cookies. I'm going with the strategy of ignoring this behavior after I've said no & explained. It does help to hear that others are in the same phase! I guess even though we have older children we forget the phases they go through.

I did want to mention that when it's something dangerous or hitting his big brother, we do use time-outs. Our pediatrician told use to start at 1 by sitting him on our lap, facing away from us & holding him still. The was very effective with our older son (now 4). He didn't get it at first but within a couple weeks, we could say no & do you want a time-out & he would shake his head & stop the behavior. My 17 month old is much more stubborn so it takes several time-outs in a row but if we stick with it & stay patient, it does work.

As my older son grew, we moved the time-out to a chair, then a corner, whatever works for the age. And 1 minute for each year. This has always worked for us. Good luck!