A Biter at Daycare

I disagree with some of the posters. In any group of small kids, biting happens so fast it's nearly impossible to catch and it's very difficult to deal with as a caretaker. There's no warning, and unless there are 2 kids playing in a space alone in the classroom, it's hard to know who did the biting. Additionally, with toddlers there's really no good "punishment" to get them to quit this behavior. I sometimes used timeouts, but kids around 2 and younger are really too little for timeout. In my experience, when 1 or 2 of the kids start biting, you just have to ride it out. It never lasted more than a week or two. It was always very upsetting to the parents, which was understandable, but there isn't really anything you can do to prevent it unless you prevent the kids from playing together (which is not good for their mental and social development).

Karine,

I'm so sorry that your baby girl has gotten hurt. I know every mother hates to see her child get hurt.

You are correct, biting is a part of childhood for many children. Children who don't have the capacity to communicate frustration or other strong emotions often bite.

My son has bitten other children (and been bitten himself at school- once so badly it broke the skin ) and my daughter has been bitten several times, so I really understand both sides of the issue. I have to tell you that I truly feel any child in any type of daycare setting is susceptible to biting. The only way to have a guarantee that your child won't be bitten is to hire a private nanny.

I have cared for other people's children (off and on) in my home since my oldest son was 10 months old. There were a few times where I didn't actually see the bite happen but could tell with near certainty what had happened based on the locations of the children, the looks on their faces, the body language etc. Also, many two year olds don't know how to lie yet and will readily tell on themselves :-) Has the daycare provider asked the other children what happened?

I have a tiny hunch (could be completely misguided) that the biter might be the granddaughter. Her grandma might be trying to protect her or knows she's backed into a corner because she can't expell her granddaughter for biting.

Two things disturb me about your situation 1. That the provider "has no idea" what happened and 2. That she claims your daughter didn't cry. The latter is the most absurd and in my estimation is probably not true. I believe it is an attempt to minimize the pain your daughter felt in order to keep your reaction at bay.

I strongly suggest that you clearly communicate to the daycare provider what you just told us here. If you have a bad feeling, listen to it. That is your mother's intuition and it is a gift from God. We have to honor that voice inside our head!!

One other thing- when there is a biting incident at my children's school, the parents of both children sign a form (I guess like an icident report). You may want to ask the daycare provider for something like that. It may help her to make sure to see the importance of disclosing to parents how their children were hurt and knowing the full details of how their children were hurt.

I hope that you find some resolution to this problem soon. I can truly feel your frustration from your words and I know what a yucky feeling it can be when you are unsure about something regarding your children.

***Karine: I came back to add that it is NOT illegal for the daycare provider to disclose who bit your child. It may be against a particular provider/facility's policies, but it most certainly is NOT against Florida law. I've included a link to the state laws here: http://www.dcf.state.fl.us/childcare/laws.shtml . Also, you may want to read the section on "direct supervision". You can also call DCF to have them advise you on this situation without having to give the provider's name.

I am in the same boat...my son is 15 mos & gets bitten at daycare about once/week. He does not cry, & I usually find the bite marks at bath time, on his back, shoulder, etc. I know the daycare is telling the truth because they did catch him getting bitten once, and no tears at all. Usually it happens so fast they either, A)Have no time to prevent it, or B) Are watching another child, and don't see it. They have a pretty good idea of who the bitter is, and do keep an eye on this child, but again...they can't always watch him, as there are other children to attend to. I've been told by both the daycare & other parents that this is a stage all children go thru, although an unfortunate one. That once they start to talk more, it tends to stop as they don't act out their frustration/aggression as much. Yes, I do hate to see this happen to my son, but there really is nothing more they can do than to try & be vigilant. I also asked if my son was the only one getting bitten, because that's how it really feels to me, but they said, no, other children in the room have also been bitten. Know that this stage will soon pass, and hang in there!

I would seriously think about finding a new day care provider if it was my baby. The fact that the caretaker saw nothing either time is very troubling. Maybe she did cry and was ignored? Twice is once too many...why should you and your baby have to go through this?
hugs to you both..

Dear Karine,

First of all, in the State of Florida, it is illegal for a daycare to tell you who did the biting. That is to protect the biter and the biters' parents. While I understand fully as the parent of the one being bitten that you want to know who is doing this to your child, you may find that eventually your child is doing the biting (happened to me, he was bitten when he was about your daughter's age and by 2, he bit a few children at school). Explain to your caregiver that it is important to you that she knows who is doing the biting and that the child is being disciplined, not that YOU know who is doing the biting.

Also, I agree that it is hard to catch a child biting but the 2.5 year old and the 3 year old are old enough to tattle to the caregiver. If you are otherwise happy, look for signs of improvement, and tell the caregiver that she has to take care of this.

It is also possible your daughter is biting herself. My son did that also. He's finally stopped, at 34 months. My pediatrician says it is pretty normal.

Good luck! C.

As the mom of a former biter, I can assure you it is equally as frustrating for the biter's mom as it is for you. That is, given the fact that the mom knows it is her kid doing the biting. What is troubling is that the provider never seems to witness these events and it is not like there are so many kids she is supervising. A good provider should understand that there is a biter and provide as much 1:1 care as possible, especially to the biter. She should be able to recognize situations that can cause biting, such as kids fighting over a particular toy and intervene right away to prevent the biting from occurring.
Definitely discuss your concerns with the provider and don't be afraid to tell her that you have issues that your child is not getting the full supervision you feel she deserves!
My child was in a class of about 18 kids with 2 teachers and they saw each time he bit. He never bit at home so no matter what we tried at home, it did not help. The only thing that helped was their resolve to keep a closer eye on him and intervene before a situation would escalate to the point of biting.
Good luck.

What bothers me is there are 5 small children and no one was there when your daughter was bitten. The first thought that came to my mind is - are they all being left alone with no adult supervision? I could forgive it once but twice and the care giver didn't see it.
It's not my place to point fingers but my first suspect would be the care giver's grandchild.
Look for another care giver and when you find one explain that you are changing due to apparent lack of supervision.

Hi Karine,

I do understand your frustration. You didn't say where your daughter was biten, and yes that can affect how much or if they cry. I recently caught my grandson and my daughter biting themselves! They thought it funny to leave marks on their arms and for a few days they carried the marks.

Playing devil's advocate here, if you have ever tried to keep your eyes on four children at once, you know that someone is going to get away with something. Even if you contain all four children to one room, you cannot keep your eyes on all four at once.

If you can afford some time off, I would go observe at the daycare, on a Friday, and see how the children interact. Another option would be to take a Friday off and see if the biter bites someone else.

Best of luck to you, and know that this will pass.

Just a thought...when I was little, my mom dropped me off at a sitter's house and I didn't like being there. I often bit my own arm just so that my mom wouldn't leave me there anymore. While it may be unlikely that your 17 month old daughter doesn't like being where she is, could she have bitten herself?

If I were you, I'd be very concerned if another child was biting my child, especially if the sitter didn't see or hear anything. I'm assuming that you work and that is why your daughter is in daycare. If you were not working, I'd suggest keeping your daughter at home...or finding someone who can watch your daughter who doesn't have any other children to watch.

Please suggest to the caretaker that she place clean washcloths in the freezerfor all the children to bite on. They may be dampened by a little water first. This is good for teething, which is the root cause of a child biting. It feels good to bite something other one's own finger - that hurts!
When the other child cries, then it becomes a game to the biter. So, time to nip this in the bud.

Please also talk with your daughter with compassion to let her know it's not something she deserves. Offer her the washcloth to bite on and she will relate to the situation the other child is going through. She may be too young to comprehend; but this is an opportunity for you to grow, too. You'll need the wisdom later on when she's a teenager!!!
Blessings, S.

FIND A NEW DAYCARE

There is absolutely NO excuse for the provider not to know how it happened, period. I was a stay-at-home mom and I also took in other kids from time to time. I also have experienced day care situations via my granddaughter and from listening to friends' stories.

NOTHING can happen that is not noticed by an attentive provider. If anything goes on that the provider is not aware of, then she has too many kids under her care. She needs to limit herself to only the number of children that she can attend to continually.

Biting is not a part of the childhood experience. Human bites are just as germ laden as animal bites -- even more so, according to some experts. So it is not just a meanness issue, it is also a health issue.

There are plenty of other places you can take your child where she will be attentively cared for -- you just need to go find one. If your job is unwilling to be flexible with you about this, well..... all I can say is they better be!!

You do not owe the current provider your loyalty just because she is otherwise "doing a good job" or she is your friend or whatever it is that keeps you with her.

Your children come first, before your job, before friends' opinions, before your own comfort. Children have no one else to defend them except their parents!! If you don't take up for her, who will?? Certainly not the very distracted day care provider who allowed her to get bitten TWICE!!

HOW NASTY DO YOU WANT TO BE?
tALK TO OWNER SHE REALLY ONLY HAS THE 2 TWO YEAR OLDS TO WATCH THE TEETH KIDS. ANYONE ASK THE KIDS WHO DID IT.
YOU CAN REPORT THE DAYCARE FOR LACK OF SUPERVISION
FIND A NEW DAY CARE
REPORT THE DAY CARE TO THE AUTHORITIES. MOST INFECTIONS GET IN TO THE BODY BY A BREAK IN THE SKIN AND THE DIRTIEST MOUTHS ARE HUMANS.

My daughter always seems to be bitten by someone. We went to a day care and she was bitten 3x in one day!! At that point we switched day cares to somewhere smaller and more "hands on". Even at this new day care where there are only about 5 or 6 kids in her class, she has been bitten a couple of times. It is VERY frustrating that biting is happening. My only advice is to be sure the person in charge does try and keep their eyes on the children at all times; reality is that they cannot. Another thing is make sure there are enough toys that the children can play with that keep them interested. The biting incidents with my daughter have occurred b/c of "fighting" over a toy. I am NOT in any way condoning biting it is NOT acceptable. But I think it's in inevitable until toddler's learn appropriate ways to express their frustration. Hope this makes sense and helps at all!

My grandaughter was a victim of a biter at pre-school also. She had been taught not to fight at school and to tell her teacher if any incident occured. After conferencing with the teacher, who talked to the other parent, the child bit some other kid. This time my gd was told to hit back HARD. There were no more incidents.
I have the feeling that the biter might be the lady's gd and the is covering up. Sorry this happened to your child.