Thanks for all the wonderful advice so far. I guess I feel I should give further details just by some of the inputs.
I too worry that she feels she is being replaced and dad has a new family. I really try to make sure that is not the case, especially with her father. I've talked to him about taking her out alone on 'date w/dad night' which he is now doing. Make sure they have time alone away and at home. There is also a new baby brother so he is getting lots of attention from his big sister and everyone. Sometimes I feel the 3 year old needs the one on one time so my husband and I are putting effort into making sure that happens also.
As to her being told no that is not the case at all, in fact the opposite is true. Because mom and dad are divorced I think they both go out of the way to give her everything she wants and never tell her no. She not helpful around the house and when I talked to her about it and what chores she does with her mom, she said none. To quote ‘my mom spoils me I don’t have any chores at home’. She is a very bright girl and also caring especially to the new baby. Some of it must be jealousy for dads new life but it doesn’t make it easier that she seems to recognize what she is doing and does it anyway. (Yeah I know she is a teenage girl!)
My step daughter is with us for the summer and other times during the year. She will be 13 next month. For the past year or so she has become very bossy to her half-brother. He is 3 and well a toddler so he can be challenging but normal 3rd year old behavior. She is always telling him no, to almost anything he tries to do. She also very frequently is telling on him, dad brother is doing this or that. I have spoken to her about it and said she is a kid and that we (my husband and I) will discipline him but it has done no good.
Any suggestions on what to do?
Jealousy is the contributing factor to her behavior. She most likely feels like she is only a part-time member of the household and her step brothers are full-time.
I think it's important - especially at this age - for both you and her father to spend some qualtiy one-on-one time with her so as to make her feel special and as a wanted part of the family.
I would add one more thing to the good advice you've gotten already. If you want her to step back from being bossy, you need to make sure you and your husband are not asking her to get involved (especially tempting if it saves you time or effort).
One of my nieces is very bossy to her sibs. But her parents often ask her to "go check on your younger brother and see what he is doing" or "please go get your sister for dinner" to save them from doing it.
Once we heard them tell her to stop bossing the sibs around, but 10 min. later they told her to go tell one of them to turn down his music.
This gives conflicting messages and she continues to be bossy. duh!
Sounds like she gets told no a lot and she's regurgitating. Or her dad(especially him)/mom have moved on, there are 'new' babies and she feels like her place is not wholly with either family. She's right and it sucks. Be patient and act with love.
First, I would change your "A little about me" to "Mom to two beautiful boys and a beautiful step-daughter..."
She is probably upset because she is just a visitor. I would figure out as many ways as possible for you to spend one-on-one time with her (Saturday breakfast or lunch or movie or shopping, you get the idea). Then more importantly, encourage your husband to spend one-on-one dates with her. He should actually treat it like a date so she learns how to be treated when she starts dating (hopefully a long time from now). Your two boys get their day full-time but she only gets him part-time. She doesn't want to share him during those precious few times.
On one of your lunches, tell your step-daughter that you just read about how much better it is for kids to be told what they can do and not "no, don't..." Ask her if she would like to help you try it. Instead of saying "Don't write on the walls!", say "Here, write on this paper." You get the idea.
Then ask her what kinds of things she likes to do. Are there some things she would like to cook or bake? Would she like to get some crafts? These are things she can do and not feel like she has to hang out with her little brothers.
You could also tell her that you think she should get an allowance for helping around the house. Ask her what she is good at. Then suggest more things. Does she like organizing things (closets, drawers)? Does she prefer to wash dishes or put them away? Would she rather vacuum or sweep the tile floor? Is she good at laundry? Then tell her some things you could do as a reward for her help - Shopping for school clothes, etc.
When she sees that she is loved, appreciated, and has roles in the family, she will enjoy herself more and not feel like such an outsider. Yes, it seems like a burden to have to go through so much trouble, but she is stuck with a split life and probably doesn't like it either. I hope you develop a great relationship with her. It will be so much better when she is older and your husband will love you more.
First of all, I think that that's what big sisters do. I didn't tattle on my brother so much, but I certainly made it my business to know what was best for him and to tell him what to do. I was also very protective of him. Siblings pick on each other and boss each other around, etc. as they work out their dynamic.
Is it possible that you're more irritated with her because she is not your biological child? Sometimes we don't realize that and can't help it. Don't be so quick to knock her down to size over this--he's her brother, not just your son. Forget that "half" business. She's being a big sister. Let them build that relationship how they need to, and they'll take care of each other forever.
When she tattles, you and your husband can just remind her that there is no need for her to tell you every little thing. When she "gets on" your son, remind her to let him figure some things out for himself. Maybe in casual conversation, you can discuss this, ask her during "family discussion time" how she would like for someone to do her like that, and make it clear to her that you are listening, not just trying to teach her a lesson here. Don't fuss at her, because she means no harm; it's just irritating. Before your babies can talk, you can't wait to hear them speak. Then, they start talking and won't shut up. They get about 8, 9, 10...and they're telling you everything about teachers and classmates, and they know it all. It's sooo irritating, but it's what they do.
My daughter did the same thing with her little brother. She drove us nuts! I had to tell her over and over that I was the mother thank you very much. When she turned 13 I seriously thought aliens had invaded her body. I really don't think this is a "step" issue. This is a "she is a teenage and they know everything about everything issue" It does get better around the age of 18 to 19. So hold on you have a fun ride ahead of you. Do remember to include her in family activities and decisions. She may only be there part-time but she is a full time member!
A.,
As the oldest of 5 I used to do that, the brothers did that, we all did that. The message is, "love me. I'm the good one here."
Here is what might help. sit her down and explain how parenting is very complicated and you value her help as the older sib (cement her role) and here is where you need help (get out one of those toddler books that shows what they can do at each stage):
1. help him do puzzles
2. help him learn to jump on one foot
3. help him learn his colors (M&Ms work when all else fails, you can only eat the colors you name correctly)
4. teach him to count to 3, then 4, 5 etc.
5. teach him the hokey pokey
6. join him in a play dough or painting project
7. make cookies, learn to measure
8. wash dishes with him
Reward accomplishments.
Praise, praise, praise. You may want to join her on the teaching jaunt in the beginning to model HOW we teach. You get more cooperation if you are positive so put it in that context and remind her that both she and her brother are learning and that these are good babysitting skills for her and later "mommy skills" that will come in handy. Do not chatise her when she messes up, which she will, but model what you want her to do when the 3 yr old messes up.
You can not abandon her to the project, pop in from time to time to praise and encourage.
Let us know how it turns out.
K.
Hi A.,
This can certainly be trying for your family. I think she is a normal 13 year old trying to "find her place" in both households- her mom's and yours especially.
When she is there, perhaps letting her have more "responsibility" with the little ones and letting her think she is "in control"
Just ignore her bossyness and say "thank you for your input" we will consider your opinions. that will most likely throw her a curve and she will stop being so bossy.
My girls were so bossy when they were that age I wanted to pull their hair out- I had little ones as well and it was a very trying time in our household- but it passed and all was well.
Good luck and blessings
I am going to get in trouble for this and my family will laugh, cause it is like the pot calling the kettle black. Girls are just bossy... MOST girls are just Bossy.
Nobody likes a tattle tale. Let her know you are glad she is concerned, but he is just a little boy. You are glad she is helping keep an eye on her brother, but she can be a sister and let you guys be his parents. If he is about to get hurt or hurt someone else, she may step in and speak to him, but she needs to speak the way she would like to be spoken to.
Do not let it get to you, this is not a reflection on you, she is also your child and this is exactly what siblings do to each other. He wants attention and she is giving it to him, just not in the way you (or I) would like it..
A., I also have a step-daughter that is 14. She was 2 when her dad and I got together. My husband and I have a son who is now 9. I here my step-daughter call him stupid. I here her say "STOP JACK" probably 1 million times during her 1 month summer visit with us. I have found that there is nothing you can do, because these dads that do not see their daughters very much do not want to discipline or say anything to hurt the daughters feelings.So, although I do not have any graet info. on how to handle this, but know there are alot of us out here that feel and share your pain.And when these girls are 16 and have boyfriends, get their drivers license they will not come out for a month if anytime at all. B.
A....welcome to the teenage years! LOL! Sounds like there may be some acting out by your step-daughter to try & gain attention since she doesn't live full time with you. I don't think it's healthy for her to constantly tell him 'No' all the time...if it's warranted & she can help keep him from hurting himself or messing with something he's not supposed to, that's great, but if he's doing something that's just the normal process of learning & exploring, I'd take note of that instance and then call her on it. Maybe telling her 'no, he's fine..he's just exploring' or something to that effect.
As for the tattling...depends on what it is. We have a niece who loves to tattle, but depending on what she's telling us, if it's something frivolous, we'll say 'no tattling', which she'll then stop mid-sentence and then go about her merry way!
However you decide to handle, I think you & your husband should show a united front towards her and also, spend some time with her one on one, letting her know that she's loved by your family, especially with her dad. Blended families are hard enough as it is, & throwing a teen in the mix doesn't make it easier.
Good luck!
Your step daughter may be worried that the 3 year old is taking her place in her father's life. My suggestion is that you tell her that you have been trying to teach your son the right way to behave, but you really need her help. Tell her that most nursery schools these days teach discipline via positive feedback and positive suggestions. If the child hits the dog rather than petting him, for example, you go to the dog and pet it gently telling the child that we use soft hands when we touch animals and people. Ask her to help you stay on track with the positive rather than automatically saying NO.
First off coming from parents of divorce I think that you need to remember that this is your husbands daughter and your sons sister. You need to except that and make her a part of your family. Not just with words but by action. My brother and I have always been on the outside looking in and even at the age of 46 and 48 this still hurts us. When professional family pictures are taken we aren't invited to be in them, never have. So no matter how much my step mother tells people this is my oldest daughter, she does not show it by including us in family pictures and stuff like that. It is like we are only part of the family when it is a birthday, Christmas etc. So just remember to accept her and truly make her apart of the family with actions and words. As as someone else said girls are bossy so be patient cause she will probably never get out of it. God bless to you and ALL of your family. :)
She needs to know that two can play that game, and that she may not like it, when done to her. This may make her think a little bit about what she is doing. GOOD LUCK.
keep on her and as soon as she starts to correct him send her to her room ( get the dad to do most of this ) and tell her you are the adult. give it a few weeks she will get it!
