I have a situation that I'm hoping other moms may be able to help me with. First, I'll give a little background information which is necessary for you to understand the problem. My 9 year old daughter attended one of the most prominant private schools in Chicago for 4 years but we now homeschool her. While she was in school she became friends with another little girl in her class and my husband and I also became close friends with this girl's parents. After my daughter left school the girls continued to do things together - as well as the families hanging out together.
Yesterday they came over for the afternoon and stayed for dinner. At one point I noticed that my daughter was showing impatience with her friend and, not knowing what all had been going on while they were playing upstairs in my daughter's bedroom, I got a little upset with her because I thought she needed to be a better hostess to her friend - and told her so.
Well, after they left, my daughter told me how obnoxious this girl had been to her - going through her boxes and drawers even after my daughter told her they were private, taking my daughter's journal and scribbling all over it, she tore up her bed totally - all the sheets and everything were on the floor. Then to top it off, she told my daughter that she wasn't cool enough anymore for her to hang around with and that she really hadn't wanted to come over yesterday. When my daughter, who is very mature for her 9 years, asked her if there was anything from their friendship that they could salvage, the girl said absolutely not. So then my daughter said she wanted both of them to go downstairs and tell the parents what was going on between them, but the girl blocked her from going down the stairs and said that she didn't want to tell her parents how she felt because they never listen to her.
Today, they called and left a message saying what a wonderful time they all had yesterday and let's get together again soon, etc. I feel I need to let the parents know that apparently their daughter no longer has any interest in being friends with mine but I know it will hurt the relationship that my husband and I have with them. It sounds like from their voicemail message that the girl has not said a word to them about arguing with my daughter. Oh, she also said that she wants to be "cool" so that she can fit in with the other girls in her school but if she told her parents that, they would be alarmed and wouldn't like it at all.
So, what do I do? I will not subject my daughter to another play date with her if she is going to treat her that way. I have been thinking that I would call when she is in school and talk with her mother about what happened - not accusingly but as gently and diplomatically as I can. The thing is, if her daughter won't be honest with her, then she is just going to think it is all my daughter's problem - that she is making it up or whatever.
I am also trying to understand the motives behind why this girl is acting this way. I think part of it is that she is herself bullied at school and told she isn't "cool" so this is her way of kind of feeling like she has power over someone else.
Has anyone else had a similar thing happen and how did you handle it? Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for the responses and thoughts - I just wanted to add that we are in out third year now of homeschooling so I don't think the issue has to do with her missing my daughter at school. Having said that, however, I do know that initially she really did miss having her there so it could possibly be a residual response along with other things.
I realize that I shortened, for space reasons, etc., the story so probably left some critical information out - such as that this girl has always been very sweet and pleasant up until just recently and that also the last 3 or 4 times she has been at our home, she had broken something of my daughters and always says to me "It wasn't anyone's fualt - it just broke" and then I find out later from my daughter that this girl had actually pulled it or dropped it to make it break.
So, the reason I do not feel that I should ignore it is because I am concerned for the other child, as well as mine. I have a feeling that how she treated my daughter on Friday is how she is being treated by her other friends and/or kids at school - and by turning it around and acting out with my daugther, it puts her in the place of power. I am also concerned about her not saying anything to her parents. I am really bothered by all the things in the news lately about how teenagers - and younger - treat eachother and that our society seems to think it is OK. It is not OK. I expect my daughter's friends to respect her, our home and us - and the only way for them to learn this is if we, as adults, teach them. In turn, I expect the same from my daughter when she visits her friends' homes. Her friend on Friday did neither. If it is a call for help, by ignoring it, she is not helped nor is she taught that you don't treat friends -or anyone that way. I think I would want someone to tell me if my daughter suddenly was acting so unlike herself.
I have not yet done anything but I will probably call the mother while the girl is in school and gently try to talk with her about it - from the aspect of concern for her daughter. Hopefully, it will go OK and she will not get defensive and upset with me - but you always run that risk.
Thanks again for all your comments! It is appreciated!
I understand that you are upset, but I think you may be overreacting a bit. I don't think calling the girls parents is going to help. i would tell your daughter to continue to do what she thinks is best and try and talk to her friend. Let her know that if someone says she's not "cool", she may not want to be friends with someone like that.
Call the mother!! My daughter went through something like this in 8th grade. I tried to let the girls work it out, but eventually my daughter lost her cool and kicked the other girl. When the other mom called me about my daughter she had no idea what was going on at school with the two of them. They didn't become friends again but it did calm some of the problems at school. Maybe there's something else going on with the other girl and this might be a chance for her to talk to her parents.
Quick response to say I don't think you are overreacting, if this was happening with close friends I would be very upset too. Although my kids are much smaller, I struggle too with kids of close friends who don't treat my kids as well as I'd like them too... I'll think on better advice later though
Have you recently switched to homeschooling? My initial thought is that this girl is mad at your daughter for leaving her at school, and was intentionally trying to be hurtful. Maybe she misses her friend and is just lashing out?
I'd give it another try, and this time check in on the girls a bit more often. See how it goes to gauge your next steps. If this girl is unhappy at school (due to be bullied or teased) then I think you should say something to the parents.
I don't have girls, so maybe my advice would be different if I did. But I think as a parent, I would want my close friends to tell me, in a loving way as long-time friends, about how my child was behaving. If it was just some kid from school, I would probably let it go, but there's no way it can't affect the family friendship.
You might also find some useful advice in the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees." It's been a while since I read it, but it's interesting. She gives very specific advice on how to deal with a variety of situations - as well as describing why girls behave the way they do in groups.
I know when I was younger my BFFs would be friends one day and not the next. Kids are so fickle!! You may want to give it one more shot with the family and the girls and see how things go. If the other girl is still being unfriendly to your daughter and saying the same things then maybe bring it up to the parents. They may have been just having an off day and it would be a lot of work to bring it up to the other parents if it is just a bad day for the girls. Good luck!
I hate to say it but I think this may be one of those scenario's where your daughter needs to figure it out with the other girl without parental interjection. If you do say something to the other girl's parents, and then get together with them again, your daughter may be in for a lot worse treatment. Around that age, I was being teased mercelessly by a few peers, or "friends" as I called them at the time, and after my parents got in the middle, it got a lot worse for me. I think I cried every night for about six months after, and the teasing got worse and worse and went on till high school. I would try getting them together again and see what happens.
This other girl sounds confused and hurt about your daughter no longer being at school. Also, this is girls and how they play the game of friendship particularly tweens. BFF's one day and enemies the next. Parents don't always hear about it though, and it's wonderful that your daughter trusts to go to you when things like this happen. You may break that trust if you "tell" however, becuase of the reprocussions for your daughter. Even though No one blames you for wanting to help.
Explain the possible reasons this girl may be lashing out to your daughter, and discuss with her different scenerios and how to handle them.
If you do try to get together with them again, check in more often, and provide your duaghter with a secret code, where she can secretly let you know it's time for parental intercession. Then you bring your friend, the other mother, with you to check on the girls and so she can see first hand what is happening. Your daughter will feel safer, and more comfortable to know that you have her back if she needs it. She'll also gain quite a lot of confidence if she is able to handle it on her own, which is a lesson which will help her for the rest of her life with regards to female relationships. Lets face it, we're not that easy to get along with, and it's not at all like boys or men who duke it out or yell for five minutes and then go back to the way things were. I hope this helps and good luck. This will make your daughter tougher for later on in life, eventhough it is so hard to deal with as a tween. I remember what it was like and I hope the best for her.
