I have a 21 month old and dinnertime is getting to be mess. We have a sit down dinner every night at the dinner table. My son refuses to sit down and eat with us. He stands up in his highchair, demands to see and touch everything on the table, wants to play with toys or crayons and refuses to eat.
My husbands attitude is if he stands up in the highchair and doesn't want to eat, then he's finished and can leave the table. I would like to see him eat, so I'll put him on my lap and try to feed him or fight with him to get him to eat a few more bites. It becomes a very frustrating situation very quickly.
We usually eat around 6. I do want my son to have dinner, so after he refuses to eat with us at 6, I usually try to feed him again later in the evening--around 8. He'll usually eat then. (the same meal that he refused to eat earlier with dessert added in if he ate well.)
Have any of you had this problem and how did you get your children to sit and eat at dinner time?
Thank you for all your advice. As your advice came in and I was reading it, I had to take stock at what I was doing now by letting him stand up in his high chair, feeding him whenever he was hungry and not setting limits. I also had to realistically think how I wanted our dinnertime go and how to go about it.
I changed one major thing: no afternoon snack and no afternoon juice or milk. He can have water if he's thirsty and that's about it. He takes a nap from noon to 3:30 everyday. He just wasn't hungry at 6 if he had an afternoon sippy cup of juice and part of a banana with a graham cracker.
The other thing I've changed is once he stands up in his chair, he's finished--he get's one request to sit down and eat more. That's it. If he doesn't, we take him out of the chair and he's excused from the table. But with no afternoon snack, he climbs up in his chair, sits down and eats a healthy dinner. We can have a family dinner together. It's nice.
It's only been a week since I started making the changes, but I saw the difference at dinnertime immediately.
Thank you again.
I would employ the buckles and straps on the high chair. If he doesn't eat, he has to at least join the family at the table. Good for you for re-serving the same food. However, I would not give him dessert if he didn't eat at family meal time. Good luck.
A...., Try feeding him earlyer than you, then if you want him to sit at table with you put crayons and little toys on high chair for him to play. Or make him alittle something diffrent to eat so he can try to get to feel like he is a big boy for eating with you. Some times some kids just need help getting started on a rutein longer.
Hang in there, S.
When does he have his snack before dinner? This sounds to me like what my son does when he's not hungry. Maybe if you give him a snack earlier he'll be ready for dinner at 6. Other than that I really have no advice for you. Good luck!
i had a couple thoughts (first was - i feel ya sister! lol) my son is almost 21 months and is a real handful too. luckily he lives for food so mealtimes aren't too bad usually, but last night we went to red lobster and omilord! - he had NO interest in crayons, appetizers, anything...it was crazy. we got through it thank goodness without any major meltdowns on my or my husband's part - mostly because it was about 4:30 and the restaurant was practically empty. anyway...
first, and probably a no-brainer, does your highchair have straps to hold him in? my son hasn't figured out how to open those yet, but if yours has, i'd consider a belt or something else he can't get out of.
you don't mention if you stay at home or if he goes to daycare, but one thing i thought of was maybe cutting out an afternoon snack. if he's hungrier at dinnertime he'll be more interested in getting down to business. also might consider, just while you're trying to "train" him to eat with you, pushing it back to 6:30 or so, as late as you're comfortable with. then once he's on track you could start eating earlier again.
the other thing was, i was wondering when his bedtime is, because my son is always asleep by 8. we had the problem of my son starting to get picky about what he ate, and i decided that i wasn't going to be making him "special" meals anymore. don't be afraid to put your foot down - he'll eat when he's hungry, and if you are firm about either eating with the family, or not eating dinner, he'll get the message. i did this when my son turned his nose up at what we ate (for no reason - grilled chicken with veggies, for instance) it was a little different, but my son got the message. he won't starve, i promise! it sounds mean but he'll be fine. i figure now is the best time to enforce household rules. explain to him that if he doesn't eat dinner with mommy and daddy he won't get more later. i know he's little but he'll get it, probably after one night. they're smart little critters!
basically you can put your foot down now, or keep catering to him as he gets older - and it'll be a lot harder to change his habits, the older he gets. good luck!
Hi A.,
We had the same problem with my little guy until we changed the rules. Our new rule is that you eat when it is time to eat with the family, no snacks 2 hours before dinner, nothing to eat if you don't eat as a family, and no seconds on your favorite food or dessert if you don't clean your plate first.
Yes there were nights he refused to eat but only very few. Guess what! He is still alive and growing. Better yet, he is going by the rules and if someone does not finish their their food for whatever reason HE reminds them "no snacks".
Hope this helps.
Best Wishes,
J. H.
I had that problem with my daughter. Around the same age too. It only took once though, I told her that if she didn't eat now, then she didn't get dinner. She didn't eat, she didn't get dinner. Haven't had the problem since. I did give her a small snack of a couple animal crackers a little later, but nothing big enough to be considered dinner. She said she was hungry, I told her too bad, and she realized that I meant what I said. I wouldn't recommend doing this on a DAILY basis...missing one meal won't hurt them, but missing a meal a day regularly isn't good. But its enough to establish that you mean what you say, and also to keep from having your life run by a 1 or 2 year old. At 21 months, he is old enough to begin learning consequences...and if it is his choice that causes him to lose out, then he learns better. Eat or not? If he doesn't, he learns that he won't get a second chance. If he does, he gets dinner.
Either buckle him in the high chair or try using a booster seat and make sure he is buckled in and the booster seat is buckled to the chair as they can tip easily if not tied down. He may do better sitting right near you where you can help and don't let him have toys at the table. You just have to keep reminding him that when it's time to eat he needs to sit still. He may just want to be at the table like a big boy instead of the high chair. If he isn't hungry and you want him to eat at that time, don't let him have any snacks or milk for at least 2 hours before you eat. He may be filling up on milk or other things and just not be hungry.
Behavior that is rewarded is repeated - it's the law of training.
From your description, you are rewarding the behavior you are trying to stop. IF he stands up in his chair, he gets attention (negative) from you and dad - but it's attention. If he stands up in his chair, he gets to sit on mom's lap. If he stands up in his chair, he gets a snack later. Your reaction is enabling this behavior.
ARe there not straps on the high chair to hold him in place?
I think I would use lunch time for training ground when dad's at work. I would verbalize to him exactly what I expect and repeat it often. "Big boys sit in their chair when they eat." "Big boys ask please for things they want." "Big boys use their fork or spoon." - whatever your expectations are (and your husbands). And then I would physically help him do these things and not let it slide by one time until the habit is established.
When you are training, remember Pavlov's dogs, intermittent reinforcement is more powerful that regular reinforcement. IF you reinforce a bad behavior intermittently by allowing it and letting him get what he wants, you will engrain that behavior and it will be even harder to break. Just take the time and train it right until it's a habit.
In the meantime, no snacks after supper. If he doesn't get it at supper, he can wait until breakfast. It won't hurt him at all. And he'll get the message pretty quick that he better use suppertime for eating.
HOpe this helps. You'll get there:)
N.
We did the same thing... and then we realized we were training him that he could eat whenever he wanted and get attention at the table if he acted up. We fed him his afternoon snack earlier so he was hungry for dinner, then at dinner if he acted up he had to go into the living room until everyone was done with dinner. That drove him crazy b/c he loves to be around people. If he was hungry later he could only eat plain yogurt, an apple, or a banana. Within two weeks he was a much better behaved dinner partner. He still gets bored faster and leaves the table, but he tends to eat first!
Your husband is right. You are spoiling this kid rotten. How in the heck do you ever expect to win a fight with him on anything if you treat him this way?
What you should do is make sure his last snack during the day is no later than 3pm. Then at 6 if he stands up, even once, then send him on his way. Don't feed him again til the next morning. A couple days of being hungry in the night and he'll sit down and eat with you.
Suzi
Hi A., I didn't read all of the replies but I did want to say this.
One part of this is making sure he has all of his meals evenly spaced, so he should have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then dinner, dinner. When we are talking snacks I mean cheese and crackers, a cereal bar, somehting of this nature. For his afternoon snack it should be after nap and atleast 1 hour before dinner if not 2 hours before.
Another thing let him feed himself, thats the only way they learn. Get him a little fork and spoon, they have them for $1 at big lots. They try so hard to be independent at this age and are trying to be big, let him go for it. I let my daughter feed herself pudding the other day, and yes she was a mess but in the same process she was learning and having a good time at it.
You know the old saying goes pick your battles, and here's where you have to decide where to pick it. See the problem lies in you want him to eat and he holds the power of whether or not he will eat, and why should he eat right when YOU say it's dinner time because even if he does a little bit you will still give him more later. He won't starve to death if he misses a meal because of his own actions, he will just learn very quickly that when you say it's time to eat, thats what it is time to eat. When you put him in the high chair make sure there are no toys at the table, if he has one in his hand when he comes to the table tell him to go put it away, and then he can come to the table. Also let him set his plate and fork/spoon on his high chair.
Once he is up there and seated give him a fork or spoon and say time to eat. And then go on and eat your own food. If he wants down and has only taken 2 bites thats what he did. Just put him down and go on. When he sees that there is no power struggle in it anymore he will eat. And if he comes back for more you tell him nope you had your chance.
The next night when he wants down ask are you sure this is the only time you are going to eat and when your down, your done. Thats it. He will get the hint pretty quick.
Anyway hope this helps, W.
no offense but you are catering WAY too much to him. adopt your husband's attitude...you need to present a united front. if he does this he is done with dinner, simple as that. and don't feed him later and definitely no dessert. stick with it and he'll learn quickly. good luck!
My younger daughter was the same way and we did the approach that your husband has said. Try to get him to eat if he does not want to then they may leave. We did teach our that they have to ask "my I please be excused" or as close to that as they can. Then I'd wrap up the dinner plant and if she said she was hungry later then she got back her dinner plant (but no desert). She is now 4 (5 in July) and sits at the table with us, it was just a phase. But there is not reason to fight through dinner and make everyone upset (we tried that for a while!). If dinner time is stressful he's not going to want to join in. He's busy and has more "important" things to do right now then sit at a table and eat. You and your husband enjoy your time eating and soon he'll join in also. My daughter would tell us that she didn't like to eat. She didn't starve and she went without dinner several times. As long as they are eating a varity though out the day they will be fine. They won't let themselves starve. Good luck and God Bless!
Your husband's attitude is what we use in our house. Children will not starve themselves. It just won't happen. However, they are very very smart, and he can learn to sit and eat with the family. Once or twice when he misses dinner then he'll figure it out. We went through it with both our kids and now they will both sit down at supper time, eat like good kids, and when they are done ask to be excused. By feeding your son a full dinner later he knows he can get away with not sitting and eating at supper time.
It could get worse before it gets better though. the first night you don't feed him later he will probably throw a huge tantrum, but don't let him deter you. Be strong, resist the urge to give in. You will be grateful in the long run if you don't let him run your life. the next night he might or might not eat, but again he will not starve himself. He is going to be eating a big breakfast the next morning though.
Be strong and be consistent. Children are extremely smart, but they only know what we teach them.
I have to say Christy P is right & so is your husband. It will hurt you more than it will hurt him. My oldest did this off & on through the years. There were no exceptions, you have to put your foot down & do what you say. It's hard, but it will be better for everyone in the long run!
God Bless!
We have the same rule- if you don't eat with the family, you don't get anything else. If Emme is done eating before us, we still make her sit there until my husband and I are done because this is a special bonding time as family. We don't allow jacking around at the dinner table. If you play with your food and make a mess (on purpose), then it goes in the trash. You have to start these things early on. They understand way more than we give them credit for. Plus, you need to establish who's boss. But that's just my opinion.
Hi A.,
I had the same problem when my youngest step-son moved in. We handled this by not allowing any toys at the dinner table, I buckle him into his chair and I tell him how much he needs to eat before he can get down. Or if he wants dessert then he needs to eat everything on his plate. If he fails to finish by the time we are done then he sits at the table by himself until he's done, with me checking on him periodically of course. This I have found works really well. If he's eating his food at 8 though, then that might be a sign that he's not hungry at 6, so maybe try letting him eat later or try to feed him his lunch at an earlier time. I hope these will help!
-J. M.
http://J..freedomunitedteam.com
HELPING People Live Better Lives!
Hi A.. I really think he'll be different once you get him in a booster and have him sitting at the table with you and your husband. There have been lots of good posts but whatever you choose to do just try to be consistent. We have 3 under the age of 6 and sometimes it seems like dinner time consists of saying the following "chew with your mouth closed, no singing, use your manners, ect, ect" BUT I can honestly say that our kids are learning good manners and you can tell that when we get a chance to eat out. Also it seems like you are like most who understand that dinner together as a family is one of the greatest things you dan do for your son. Good luck!
K.
Good Morning A. ;) Your little guy is still young but it is good to start with table manners etc. He won't catch on for a while though, so do not expect much at this age.
We went from high chairs to booster seats attached and buckled to a chair. We removed all toys from the dining area, no matter how loud they got they couldn't have them. No playing at dinner or other meals.
Our son did the same with his oldest son (3) that your hubby does. If he stands up he is finished and leaves the table. Except they do not feed him later. He is fine and has learned to eat when it is dinner time and no playing. He has even learned to ask to be excused. ;) Took my son over 2 hours one day at a back yard dinner time picnic to ask to be excused..lol He thought since we were outside manners didn't matter. WRONG!! He was 5 at the time.
A child will not starve missing dinner, and it sure makes it easier on you and dad not fixing him dinner later. At this age he has you pegged, Mom will take care of me. Which we do but then they learn to just wait it out and they get what they want.
Anyway that is our experience with little ones refusing to eat at dinner time.
Best of everything to you and your family
K.
Nana of 5, mom to 2 son's, wife to One great fella for 37 yrs ;)
Kudos to you and your husband for eating dinner at the table every night. That is a rarity now a days and I hope you keep it up throughout your marriage. Now, your son has you wrapped around your little finger. By you feeding him later on, he knows he'll eat eventually. Try giving him a snack earlier in the day, like when he gets up from nap. And don't give him a huge snack. Like one cookie. Or a few sliced carrots. Make him sit. Punishment is not a bad thing. If he starts acting up during the mealtime then, like your husband says, he's done. Remove him from the table to his room. Let him know he will not have anything to eat until morning. After a few days of this he'll learn that he needs to eat with the rest of the family. Don't coddle him and don't give in to him. Good Luck and God Bless.
Hi, A.,
Sorry, sweetie, but your husband is right. If your child misbehaves at the table, he is done. He should get down and not even be AT the table.
But there is another problem here: You are rewarding his negative behavior by allowing him his own special meal-time. To put it very bluntly, you are creating a little monster. The reason that he isn't eating when everyone else eats is because he knows that you'll feed him his very own special meal later on....WITH dessert!
So, here's what I suggest for the fix: It's dinner time and he doesn't want to eat. Let him down from the table, but be sure to let him know that there will be no more food for him for the rest of the night. He's done. DO NOT put him in your lap and try to feed him. He gets down and can go play, but you should not allow him to be a bother at the table. No snacks, no treats, no second chances. When he comes to you later on in the evening, asking for his usual 8 O'clock meal, remind him that you already gave him a chance to eat dinner and he refused. He will have to wait until breakfast.
I hate to say it, Momma, but this will hurt you far more than it will hurt him. He will probably cry and whine and beg, but you cannot give in. In every situation where this problem arises, you must be consistent. He will not be hurt by missing one meal...or even two! As a matter of fact, he'' probably even eat better. Once he realizes that he is no longer in control of the situation (and he IS, currently!), he will begin to follow the rules. Don't feel bad...the right thing to do is to teach your child to behave acceptably.
I went through this whole mess with both of my boys...and they both went through several nights where they did not have any dinner...however, they ended up getting the picture in a rather short span of time.
Finally, do remember that our little ones do go through different growth cycles. It may very well be that they simply aren't hungry. You should never make your child eat if they don't want to...after all, do adults eat every single meal? I know I tend to skip occasionally if I'm just not in the mood to eat. If your child doesn't want to eat anything at all that evening, don't force the issue. This "you have to clean your plate" mentality is what has made American children so prone to obesity.
Good luck to you...and please post a follow up so we can all know how it went.
Oh...and, do yourself a favor...don't allow toys at the table. And absolutely NO standing on the chair! If you have to get one of those boosters that straps to one of your dining room chairs, get one...then he can be up at the table and safely strapped in. Not only is this behavior dangerous....it's rude. If you ever expect to be able to take your child to a public restaurant, you might want to start enforcing the rules at home. :o)
C.
Hi, A.. I am a big believer in the family dinner concept. It is a great time to spend time talking and enjoying each others company. I also believe children should not be forced to eat if they do not want or that they should have to finish all of the food on their plates. I think your toddler needs to learn to eat with the family, and not after dinner is over. Eating at 8 is an unhealthy time to eat, and it may cause a bad habit to form. I would continue to fix dinner at 6, making sure he has not gotten too much to eat at afternoon snack, so he is hungry at 6. Then, he can have a dessert if he eats well. If he chooses to play at the table, he should be set down, and you and your husband should continue eating, letting your son know that it is dinner and he can either eat or be excused. Again, I do not recommend feeding him a meal later- that is only teaching him he can eat whenever he wishes and that is not a good habit to start. It will not take him long to realize that dinnertime is the time he needs to eat each night. Remember, parenting involves a lot of tough love, even when they are this young. Children know all about controlling their parents, even at this age. I am very familiar with how children can manipulate adults into doing what they want- and guilty of being manipulated myself! Good Luck! I hope you enjoy many stress- free family meals in the future!
Is he getting an afternoon snack that is too close to dinner or too much so that he's not hungry at dinner time? If he's hungry enough by 6 pm, he'll eat. Maybe limit his afternoon snack, make it nutritious, and make it as early as possible after his nap.
Since he is wanting to see and touch everything at the table, maybe you could get a toddler chair that fits right onto your regular chairs so that he is right up to the table. Make sure that it is one that he can't get out of. I see your husbands point that if he wants to eat at the table, he has to follow the rules. That's good to set some dinner time guidelines. But, I also see yours and that you want him to eat. Like other's have said, he won't starve himself and he will get the point soon. When he starts sitting at the table, this might also be a good time to start teaching "Please" and "Thank You" and other table manners.
That's great that you value a family meal time together. I think this is really important, but I know it doesn't work with everyone's schedule, so that's great that you guys can do this and value the time together. I also like that you are giving him the same meal at the later time.
Best wishes
Would he be happier sitting in a regular chair, maybe with a booster seat? My daughter greatly preferred that to a high chair starting around 18 months or so. Also, at 21 months children still have very short attention spans. Maybe it would help to present him with just a few bites of one dish, then switch to another one, so there's something new every few minutes. My daughter (2.5 years) only sits at the table for about 15 minutes or so. Then she gets down and does "dinner on the run" to finish her meal. She'll play or read books and then come back to the table every couple minutes for a bite. I understand your frustration with the situation, and I hope you find something that works so that you can have some enjoyable family dinners again soon.
he's old enough now that if he doesn't eat dinner the first time it's offered, then he doesn't eat dinner at all..he will quickly learn that he'll be hungry if he refuses and you have to follow through. Missing a meal will not hurt him. He's learned how to manipulate you.
If he keeps standing up in his chair, strap him in...and make him sit there until dinner is over.
Don't act like eating is a big deal. Put it in front of him and let him choose...my daughter picked up that I was frustrated because she didn't eat and she did it even more. I set the timer and when it went off, dinner was over for everyone, no matter what. AND...if a good portion was not eaten before the timer went off, no dessert. Also, he does not need activities like crayons or toys at the table during dinner time. Take distractions away.
Good luck!
My son did the same thing and we tried a booster seat so he could be at the table w/ us. After awhile he didn't use the booster, either and just sat on the seat (he sat w/ his knees bended, so he was sitting on his legs, but that was fine w/ me!) You could also try letting him sit on a phone book (if he won't fall off)
Also let him choose to "help" set the table- we use plastic dishes sometimes. Or at leat let him choose the plate he uses (platic of course;) and let him get his fork and spoon together, too. I think they just want to be involved and independent......good luck:)
