Grandparents Who "Think" Certain Grandchildren Need Them "More"??

Some of my parents grandkids (they have 10) will have their college education completely paid for by the wealthy in-laws. Some of the grandkids (mine and one of my brother's) will have to put together money for college via savings funds, loans, scholarships, etc. My parents have chosen to donate to the college savings funds for three of the 10 grandkids who might need help paying for college. All grandkids get gifts on appropriate occasions. There is no obvious favoritism going on.

Filling a need is not the same thing as "favoring."

Hmm this doesn't feel about the kids at all. How would they even know?
Don't tell them or complain in front of them. Enjoy the compliment.
Bitterness does not breed anything that is good or just

I don't think they are trying to favor anyone - I think they are just trying to "fill the gap". If there are parents that are failing as parents, better they try to do more for those kids than just let them suffer from neglect. The other grandkids, as they get older and more mature, can have the difference explained to them so heopfully they don't feel slighted.

It would be very different if all the kids had equal parenting and good home lives and the grandparents were clearly favoring some over others.

To paraphrase a quote from author Tom Robbins: "Equality is not treating different things the same - equality is treating different things differently."

I think you are missing a point, all grandkids do deserve the same love and attention. They are trying to make sure that happens.

I don't know which side of this you are one but you have one set of grandkids who have all their needs taken care of another that is in need. They are only filling that need.

How exactly would you make it equal?

Leave the neglected kids alone to suffer?

Give the other kids things they don't need perhaps turning them into spoiled brats?

My brother had a hard time after college and a bad marriage. My dad helped him out. They helped me out after my divorce. Either time one of us got a lot more than the other from our parents but so what, how much do we actually need, ya know?

That is just the nature of good parents and grandparents you make sure your kids have what they need.

My brother has three girls and lives closer to my mom, I'm 3 states away. My family is loving and stable and my kids have multiple sets of grands, step-grands, & great grands in their lives here. My brother is a bit of a whack job, as is his wife, and the home situation is far from ideal. My Mom spends a LOT of time and money on the girls that she doesn't spend on my kids. I encourage it. Those girls need a normal influence in their lives and the only one they have is my Mom, they DO need her more than my kids need her. My kids don't feel less loved, they are spoiled by the other grands. If we lived closer they might notice the discrepancy, but if so I would point out all the wonderful things they have that their cousins don't - and that Nana is trying to give them some of those things.

The kids are innocent, just because their parents have issues doesn't mean they should have to suffer for it when there's someone available and willing to help. If a grandparent can help make life better for a grandchild in a less than ideal situation I think that's wonderful. To be upset because my nieces are getting more attention from Nana than my kids would be very selfish of me, frankly they need her more than my kids do.

My granddaughter has parents that are doing really well financially right now. My stepson is working hard to stay afloat and raising our two grandsons.
We do the same for both sets of grandkids. I think my stepson would feel really weird if he thought we were doing more for him than for his stepbrother.
However, I'm quite certain my son would not feel bad IF we did do a little extra for my stepson. Both of the boys have great "character".
But, I think it's usually pretty normal to want to give more to the underdog, so I can see why this is fairly common practice in many families.
In my situation when I was growing up, my dad's mom only had 3 grandchildren and she doted on us and spoiled us to bits at birthdays and Christmas, but my mom's mom had 26 grandchildren so none of us got presents from her. Guess what? I loved both set of grandparents equally.

I am the grandmother of eight. When it comes to the essentials, if one set of parents is struggling, then my husband and I do step in and help if we're asked. We never assume. So I might give one set of parents some money to buy groceries, but don't feel obligated to give the other sets of parents anything. Or something like school pictures. If a parent calls and says hey, can you buy the pictures, then we do. But we don't then make sure we buy the others; if the parents can afford it, then they do it. If they can't, they ask and we help. That is for essentials. As far as extras, I make sure it is all even. That doesn't mean that if I buy X a toy, then I buy the other seven a toy. But if I do buy X something just because, then the next time I buy Y something. So they all know that they are all treated the same and they each get their turn to get a special little something from grandma and grandpa every now and then. When I buy something for my grandkids., it's because I want to buy it because I want them to have it. None of them get jealous of the others because they all know their turn is coming. Yes, all grandchildren deserve the same love, attention, and spoiling from their grandparents. even if their parents are millionaires!

I think there are a lot of situations when it's perfectly appropriate for a grandparent to expend extra energy and funds to help a particular grandchild when needed. For example, my brother is a single dad -- NOT the original plan/choice. My mom helps care for my nephew several days per week. She doesn't spend the same amount of time with my son because he doesn't need it: he has a 2-parent family, and he's in school 5 days a week. However, I'm confident that if there is some need my mom can fulfill in the future, she'll step in. I'd honestly feel ridiculous demanding that my son have the same, whatever, from my mom on a day-to-day basis. Like a little kid screaming "His cookie is bigger than mine," or something. Now I'm sure there are situations where grandparents consistently divide their time/funds/etc. unequally and the situation is not as clear-cut as mine. But in general, I think it make sense to think of these things over the course of a lifetime, not an hour or a day.

My Mom is the polar opposite from what you described. She favors my kids and gives them special treatment because they require less from her. My Mom wasn't exactly the best Mom growing up, so this is the perfect set up for her. Meanwhile, my sister that could use her for moral support, doesn't even get that because she has nothing to offer her. My Mom is a piece of work and not a typical grandparent that helps, unless you have something to offer her...there is always a price!

My MIL is this way. My kids don't need "anything" bc in her words I take care of everything. Her dd had a baby not too long ago and my MIL is up their rear ends making sure they hav everything and anything.. They visit the baby more then they visit our kids, they call everyday to see how their baby is (we are lucky to ever get a call, usually we call them cause the kids want to say hi), etc... My MIL told me she didn't have to worry about me and the kids b/c she knew I could do it where as she worries more for her own dd. I was at first offended, but now it makes me feel stronger knowing that she is right - I can do it.

Good luck

I think all kids need as much love and attention as they can get. Some homes provide more than others and some grandparents have to step in and fill the gap more with some than with others. As long as they don't show favorites when they are around each other I don't see a problem with it.

I think thay if one child (with grandparents) needs some support (financial or emotional) who better to give it (and get it from) than your parents.

If you are talking about parents helping one child who is going through a rough time (or is ALWAYS going through a rough time) so be it. It's their decision to spend their time and money the way they see fit.

If all things are equal and they are showing favoritism, whatever you do won't change things.

I think that money might be the root of all evil here. When parents are giving (sometimes throwing) money at one child in need, the others get a bit jalous (especially if that sibling in need is always in need). Best thing to do is just keep on with your life and let it be. Unless you want to start a big, unnecessary family brawl.

it happened with me and my first daughter while my mom was alive. She was so busy taking care of my 3 other siblings that were simultaneously going through 1. Foreclosure 2. Bankruptcy 3. Divorce. I was the only one doing "ok" but not emotionally, and she missed out on my daughter growing up and then she passed away when she was only 9 months, with nothing more than 2 visits and some clothes and a toy she bought for her. All my siblings kids were able to enjoy my mother fully for most of there early life and all the benefits from her. My father is a whole OTHER story. Anyway I resented it thankfully my daughter is too young to remember any of it. It took me a while to forgive her in my mind and to realize she was just helping her kids the way she could. It wasnt really her fault for ignoring us.

Added: my main thought is financially it doesn;t matter who gets spoiled more but emotionally they should be treated the same, obviously if one is going through a tough time, you give them a little more love, J. like you will when the other is...

this irks M. a little. My brother lives with my mom and dad and his daughter (shes there all winter and goes to her moms in the summer), so she has 3 people to dote on her continueously, BUT my daughter lives with M. and then has a home with her dad, at all times she has only one person to spoil her, which obviously doesnt happen b/c i have to be the disciplinarian (sp) too. I don't mind that they are helping raise my niece BUT I do mind when they cant make plans without her to J. bond with my daughter alone once in a while. I don't care about the gifts and money even though I'm struggling and not getting help like he is, I'm happy they are there for him, but I do resent the amount of time and love put into my niece. I realize its going to be more since she lives there, but I still feel they should try and have an alone day once in a while with my daughter.

Been there done that. Its my in laws. They have favored their oldest granddaughter since she was born (30 years ago). My MIL told me once that she didn't worry about us because she knew we would be okay and that she had to focus on D and the girls. Now, they are focused on her kids. My FIL said once to me that the silver would go to K because he was the first grandson and carried the last name. I said "First, K is not your grandson. He is your great grandson. And second, who the hell is my son, Chop liver??" Last time I checked, K's last name was not the same as ours." My FIL got red in the face (because he forgot about his only grandson) and said "oh yeah" turned around and left. I told my husband this and boy was he pissed.

I have resented my inlaws because of this and many many other things they have done regarding this subject. I can't tell you how much money and trips they have spent on these kids and not on ours but they are the ones missing out on two fantastic kids. My daughter will be the first of their grandchildren to graduate college. The first two got preggers and dropped out of high school.

When my mom was diagnosed with frontal tempural dementia, I asked MIL to step up with our daughter because she was hurting so much with this and yep, nothing! How can you not help your granddaughter who is hurting? We ask them to call our DD at college and they never do.

I NEVER say anything negative in front of my kids. Regardless of how I feel, these are their grandparents and they love them. And yes, they see the difference in how they are treated as does the rest of the family.

Wow, you touched a cord here! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with this problem.

I dont' get this at all. This happens in my family with my sisters kids. I dont' care if my parents buy my neice and nephew things at all though. My sister is a single mom and has a crappy job so why should her kids suffer because she refuses to look for a better job. I do have a problem with the amount of time my sister kids are at my parents but the problem is more with my sister not being the mom she should be than my parents. What can they do? My mom did tell me once they spend so much time with them and do special things for them because of my sisters blatant neglect and uninterest and that my kids are ok because I am a good mom and my kids are my whole world. I also get that to an extent BUT you don't take one grandson to the movies and not the others especially when the grandson that went is a total jerk about it and the other two feel left out. I took my parents(as in paid for) too an indoor water park this past winter with myself and my kids and my dad got upset with my oldest for telling my nephew they were going with us. I said just tell him I am paying,they(my parents) said that he doesnt' understand that. WHAT??? This is a (then)9 year old who can lie straight to your face,steal your money and is sharp as a tac and doesn't miss a trick yet he doesn't understand that" Aunt M. is paying for us to go and that's why we arent' bringing you" That kinda stuff irks me. (sorry for the tirade) I understand finances(I have had money troubles and needed to borrow) but I dont' get time spent. I told my mom one time that I understood why S and D needed them but my kids need their grandparents too. I am not talking about taking them places and doing things but just alone time at their house. She agreed but nothing has changed. My nephew is horrible and my boys arent' allowed to sleep over with him yet my parents will not send him home on the weekends so my kids (who are dying to sleep over and actually have cried because they couldn't) could stay or when he goes home on say Friday night my parents are burned out from the whole week with my sisters kids and dont' want to be bothered.

I try to look at from different angle but can't. All kids need a relationship with their grandparents(as long as gparents are stable) so no amount of reasoning can change my heart on the matter,my head however understands a little of the thinking of my parents at least. I probably wouldn't be so upset about it if my nehew wasn't such a jerk to my kids. My neice is 16 and not one poblem for me.

Most Grandparents grew up with the general belief that children or families with only one parent aren't as stable as two parent house holds. Depending on where they are from, they may also believe that they deserve charity. I agree that it is unfair and that it is ignorant for them to believe this and treat their grandchildren differently.

Have you tried to talk to your grandparents and tell them how you feel?

We deal w/ the same situation. My 9 yr old has picked up on the fact that my MIL prefers / feels the need to spend more time w/ his cousin. It has also effected my husbands relationship w/ his mother. I can actually see the theory behind someone needing more from a person but I think there has to be a better way to manage the situation, to spare feelings.

just because you are good parents does not mean that your kids don't need their grandparents as much as the others and your husband may need to tell them that. plus it may be good they are not very involved because their "help" has not been very helpfully if the children are the way they have turned out. No it is not fair or right to punish good parent or grandchildren, but unfortunally that is what happens a lot. Hang in there