Less than Desirable Classmates

I can relate to your situation when my second son was about your son's age and he rode the bus with a couple of boys that were a year older and picked on him. Well, I always listened to his trials, but tried to never let him feel sorry for himself. Although I would prefer the turn the other cheek thought, my husband said that if he didn't stand up for himself, then they would keep picking on him. Well, he lived thru it because he is now 22, in the National Guard, has been to Iraq and back and now a RA at U of Iowa. Our kids will always have growing pains, but as long as they are not in danger, it is something that they have to do and figure out for themselves. I have been married for 30 yrs. with 5 grown children and 1 grandson.

This is what happened to us last year. Exactly. I mean, your post was my life. My son had an awful year, and we ended up switching schools mid sememster. Since he was quiet, and friends with everyone, and a good student, they paired him up with every behavioral issued kid there. ANd my son was miserable. The principal even told me (after out 5th requested conference on this) that this the reason he was placed in the classroom: as a role model and example. Great. I asked, "how does this help my son?" He was dreading school every morning, I finally yanked him out and he is happy where he is. He was only 4th grade, and the leadership/example role was to much for him. Didn't work, I can see why it served the classroom, but it didn't serve my son. BOttom line: you do what you have to do to serve your son.

I'm a little nervous about some of the boys that are in my son's class this year too. He seems to have several of the "misbehaving" boys in his class. The one thing I'm hoping for is that since most of these boys weren't in his class last year, I really haven't had any interaction with them since they were all in Kindergarten together. Alot can happen in the course of a year and- who know?- these kids may be better behaved since I saw them last =)

Okay, of course you have a bias; therefore this may be hard to hear, but here it goes.... Your son is a wonderful kid. I think we, as parents, think things are done to our children out of spite; this may be true, but I think maybe we're being a little sensitive, too. We all want what is best and fair for our own children. I don't know about you, but I went through a lot of stuff in my early years, teasing in grade school, then none of that in high school, but I was a partier and rebelled. All in all, we are who we are because of what we went through in the past. I think that's what makes it so hard to be a parnet (mostly mothers) because we want to fix everything and make everything right, but we can't. All you can know is that you can support and educate your son to the best of what you know and think is right. If you give him that knowledge, then he will do great. I think we would all agree that being 8 years old is hard to remember.... as long as we don't make it a big deal. Let him know that it's not his fault, the other kids are jealous, blah blah blah, whatever you are telling him. When the physical bulliness is going on, of course you must step in, because that could become dangerous. Support your son, hug him, love him, and tell him that he is a great person and he's a better person than those other kids..... those other kids "must be jealous" of him cuz if they're teasing him, then they're thinking about him a lot. ;) Anyway... this will be good practice when he leaves for college. You won't be able to fix the battles he will have to face, so give him what you can, love him, and know he can handle it. You're a good mother!

This sounds similar to my experiance last year with my daughter in school. My daughter got the old mean strict teacher. Which meant this teacher was great with "problematic" children well my child isn't problematic and needed a sweet caring teacher. I was about pulling my hair out, my daughter had a horrible time and I was furious and tried to get her moved into another classroom. My daughter ended up hating school and her teacher. It was just a weird mix of kids it was all the naughty boys and all the extremely bright/gifted over achieving girls. My daughter is pretty average and just didnt fit in.

I am a firm believer not every child is going to fit into the mix and I think schools do put certain kids with certain teachers on purpose.

My advise is try and make the switch but your going to need a good reason. Call or go down to your school and explain the situation.

At the end of last year I put in a request for my daughter to be seperated from certain children and requested she get a certain teacher as my school allows that. Well that didn't happen it's like my request was ignored. So I'm debating to try this school year out or throw my foot down and give my daughter what she needs to suceed and having obnoxious trouble makers in her class isn't going to help her suceed.

Talk to the school and have them switch your son to the other room. Don't make it about the others boys though - just explain that you think your son would feel more comfortable, and would be more successful, in the other class. They should be able to accomadate your wishes. It is hard to believe the school is putting so many "bad" boys in one classroom. Who did that poor teacher offend?

Why dont you just ask if he can be moved to the other class?
Just see what they say and go from there.
It doesnt hurt to try.

If you truly feel the way that you do, ask for him to be moved to the other class. Parents ask all the time. Your request cannot always be granted, but it is worth a try.

Class lists are usually made up with the intention of giving the classroom a good balance, both for the teacher and the students. Express your concerns now before the year starts.

Hi A.,

First, from personal experience and observation if you can find ways to ask questions while at the same time avoid putting the school officials on the defensive (some people are better at this than others) then you stand a better chance of getting cooperation and information.

Have you considered just asking if your son could be placed in the other class? If you do ask, focus on the positives and try to avoid being critical of the other boys - though if the school does know about history of bullying (especially from the boy who hits) you might mention that you are hoping that it will help both boys (yours and the other boy) minimize that situation.

Also, consider asking if they've ever seen your son exhibit any tendency to bully or be to aggressive with the other kids. You can use the fact that your son is large for his age and your concern that he's not "using" his size negatively.

As for dealing with other kids picking on him, help him work on redirecting the negative attention with humor. It's hard to be mean to some who makes you laugh. I realize that often this is much easier to say than it is to do. I actually helped my sons come up with good come-back lines for specific situations when they were younger and dealing with similar issues.

If you are truly concerned about it, you may want to tactfully ask the administration if your son could switch classes. It would be much easier to do it now than after school begins. I taught in a private school where there was only one classroom per grade, but I don't think such a request is too much. You know your son and want the best for him. You should't feel shy about such a request. If they deny it, maybe they'll at least be more aware of the problem.

At our district, parents can "audit" the classroom. This means they can attend a day of school, sit in the back and observe (including lunch, recess, music, spanish, etc.). If you can do this and be unobtrusive, you will get a really accurate picture of your son, the other kids, and the teacher. Solid information to arm yourself with when you meet with the principal to develop solutions.

Dear A.,

I agree with Nicole. Get to the school and request a change of class. Trust your instincts as a mom and don't second guess yourself. And by all means don't apologize for yourself or you concerns. Now is the perfect time to do it. Your son's comfort level and the classroom climate have a definite impact not only on his school performance but also his emotional growth. This is part of what parenting is all about.
Blessings,
G.

My youngest son is the opposite size, very small for his age. He just turned 13 and looks about 7 or 8. He has been teased mercilessly, especially in sports. Our overall plan has been to see if it works out OK. If not, we talk to the principal. If there is more than one class you can request that your son be changed. You may want to do that now.

My oldest son was picked on, too, because he was smart and gentle. His solution was to grow to 6'2". One day when he had enough, he lifted one of his tormenters off his feet, by the collar, and held him up against the lockers. He informed the tormenter this was the last time that would happen. It worked. I like to think of that as taking care of himself.

Be involved with your kid's life, let him know you are behind him and confident in his ability to learn to take care of himself!

I had a terrible time last school year with a girl in my daughter's class. I learned just to keep talking! I would speak with the principal and his teacher and let them know your concerns. After 2 years of having the bully girl in Savannah's class, they are split up this year. I also found other parents that had trouble with the girl and they brought her behavior to the attention of the principal, too.

I hope things work out well for your son. I don't think any child should be afraid to go to school!

"He tends to wear his heart on his sleeve and when people hurt his feelings, it's not easy for him to hide." Do you state this because at his school they treat boys as though it is bad to show feelings like this? There is no reason your son needs to be hiding his feelings of hurt when he is hurt. I think it sounds like you have a very emotionally healthy son. I also think you are right to be concerned about the current setup at school for your son.

I think you need to discuss this situation with the school principal and the guidance counselor. Your son's job at school is to learn and excel, and he is not responsible for managing the behavior of the other boys. He has the right to be in a class with boys that he can make healthy friendships with. Sure, to some degree it is important for the boys who do not behave nearly as well as your son to be around kids who do behave well, but despite how the school thinks about it, the burden of providing this care to them is on the school, not on you. If you feel they are resistant to your request for the other teacher for your son, ask that the school explain to you how they think the current setup is going to benefit your son better than what you're suggesting. I hope your son has a great 2008-09 school year!!!

Address your concerns with the teacher and the principal before the school year starts. Know that as a parent, you are your child's best advocate, and if you feel very strongly about your son's safety and well being, you can insist that he be moved to a different class (the school may not like it, but you have every right to do it).

Hi A. -

I'm don't know what school system you are in, but some classes are not divided up by any person that actually knows the children, so it could just be bad luck. But, besides that, you are his mother and if your gut instinct is that the situation is not going to work, go BEFORE school starts and get his classroom switched to the other room. No one else is going to stand up for your child, so you need to take action. Best of luck!

Since he's bigger than most kids, he will figure it out eventually that he can take care of himself and stand up for himself. Just keep encouraging him. And, by the way, a great book on kids different personalities, and how to build on the strengths in their personalities is called "Personality Plus for Kids" by Florence Littauer.

I've been a teacher for fifteen years and have NEVER had a say of which students are in my class. I had one such awful class three years ago and I felt so bad for the few nice kids who were in there.

I agree with the posters in terms of talking to your son first but not about the list you've seen or what you think might happen. Instead, perhaps you can just ask him how he's feeling about starting school. Ask him who he hopes is in his class and who he hopes is not. If he responds the way you think he might, I'd do the following:

1. make an appt. with the prinicipal NOW before teachers get back to work and lists become harder to change. fyi - I go back to work in one week.

2. if you get nowhere with the school, and really feel like a change is necessary, go to the superintendent or school board and discuss your fears for his safety and learning. Know that as a concerned parent you have a great deal of power, much more than a teacher.

3. Most of all, trust your gut! You know your son best and no matter what happens, stand behind him and help him along the way. Make sure he knows you love him no matter what.

Good luck!

Ask the school/teachers why your son is put in that class. Also ask you son his thoughts on who is in his class, he might feel different then you do. Maybe the school/teachers have a reason maybe they don't for the class your son was put in. If you do not agree with their reason ask if it is possible he could switch. OR if there they say lets see how it goes then make a plan with them that if there is a lot of trouble in the first month or so your son then can move to the another class.

It might be good for your son and the other boys being in the same class. I remember when I was in 1st-5th grade there was always trouble weather it was kids being picked on or rowdy kids. I was the geeky girl so a lot of the picking on was pointed towards me, but I was usally nice and eventually made friends with the 'bullies.' So talk with your school/teachers and see what they say about your thoughts/concerns. The main point of school is to learn so if your son is not being distracted in the classroom then the school is doing its job. If your sons safty (another child hits/threatens your son) then you son or the other child should be split up.

Best Wishes I hope you and your school can talk through this and remember to also talk to you son... don't go behind his back ask him what he thinks.

As another teacher chiming in... I have to tell you how much my heart goes out for you although I have only been on the other side of the line as a teacher and not (yet) as a parent. I have stood in front of so many different classrooms, so many teaching styles, so many learning styles, and the truth is, you never know what a "good" classroom or a "perfect" student looks like. So much of how the year evolves is what rapport and atmosphere is created on that very first day of school.

99% of the time the make-up of a classroom is made completely by looking at the academic needs of a classroom. The other 1% can sometimes, sadly, come down to taking advantage of a good teacher. There is no such thing of all the grade teachers getting together and saying, "I want so-and-so and so-and-so and I guess we can balance it was Joe Shmoe." The reading levels have to be varied, math levels have to be varied, otherwise it would appear that someone is catering to a certain level of students. This is the world of a "mixed classroom" or a "maintream classroom." Teachers are well aware after a short while of the backgrounds, parents, social status, behavioral needs and learning levels of every student in the room. When a classroom is created, most of those things are put aside so that each room starts with two students at reading level 2, 3 at level 3, etc until everyone is divvied out. Then they say, "Well, Jack had a run-in with Sam about ______ last year and the parents have a conniption fit, so let's switch him with Hank." You also have to add in the number of Special Ed students any given teacher can handle, and how many ESL students each case worker can take. This is why class placement takes so long to create.

Make your case to the principal IMMEDIATELY. They may have to take it to the grade level teachers, they may have to say no because of the make-up of the room. Hopefully they make an executive decision and stick with it. But you won't know until you try!

I would go to the school, and ask them to switch his classroom. Try and do it without him knowing your doing it.
My son is 9, and I have had to do something similar to this. The school will listen especially if you show up at their office in person.
Good luck!

Here is an idea that will cure this because I am going through the same thing with my teen. We know that there are a certain group of kids that pick on other kids. Do this: know who the mean children are and go online and find a good sight about BULLYING. There are some very good sites that talk about "what is a bully>" "How do you know if your child is a bully or being bullied?" "The effects of bulling" etc.. You get it. Make a nice informative packet and mail it to the parents. Have a cover sheet. Have 3 lines at the top. TO:Mr. Mrs (Jones)FROM: (keep blank) and CC: (Sparta Police Dept). This will scare the daylights out of the parents. They will ask their child why someone has sent this packet to them in the mail and will probably embarass all of them and let the think that the police know he is a bully. You don't need to send anything to the police, this is the bluff. Make the information packet untraceable, don't put your name on it. This is a way to address the bully and their families without bringing your son's or your name into it. I would do this.Lastly, do not put "To the parents of" on the envelope, the kid might open it. Simply address it to the parents.Good luck.

As a teacher... it depends on the district but see if you can get him switched before the school year begins. Be open and honest with the principal and his teacher, but don't push the issue so hard that they never want to talk to you again. If you can't get him switched, have a running relationship with the teacher through the year to keep tabs and see how things are going. It ok to be proud of your son and know his strengths- you don't have to apologize. He sounds like a sweet kid.

Can you ask your school to move your child into the other class? If possible to do that, it would be my first choice. If it isn't possible, maybe if you invite some of the "not so bad" boys from that class to come over for a beginning of school party... or all of them... they can see how fun your son is. My oldest son was the smallest in his class and wore his heart on his sleeve also. It made it rough until I put him in Karate and it encouraged self esteem and the confidence to stand up for yourself without violence. He was also in Wrestling which was great for him since he was so small, he would have to wrestle bigger kids and when he got into jr high wrestling he found that wrestling kids his own size was pretty easy and went most of the year undefeated. Your son needs self confidence to be able to stand up for himself when someone hits him, the ability to know how to deal with it and most of all, the knowledge that violence isn't right, which he already knows. My boys handled it in different ways. My oldest son would avoid them in grade school or just take it. This stopped when the biggest boy in class punched him in the nose. I told my son that the boy is a coward... picking on someone smaller because they are afraid of bigger boys. My son pushed him back the next time, didn't hit, just pushed him back and that was all it took. The two boys became best friends until the other boy moved. My younger boy had a problem with a boy in his class while at recess playing football. As my son told me "Mom, Vance took a swing at me and I ducked, I took a swing back and he didn't! Now he is scared of ME!" It was the only time he had to prove himself, which is good since I think fighting is not right either. For some odd reason boys think that might is right and will push someone that is either sensitive or smaller.

One thing to remember is that everyone has trouble sometime in school, in marriages, in jobs. Learning to deal with those less then acceptable behaviors is a plus for a person when it comes to life relationships.

I bet each of the boys in that class has been hit, called names or picked on by someone else... along with most of the girls. I also bet that if you talk with each of the mothers, they are probably thinking that their son is one of the "good" ones who won't bully or pick on others and if they know their sons do this, I bet they have a "boys will be boys" attitude.

Good luck and hope that the year goes well for your son.

While I understand your concerns from a parents standpoint, this is what I know from a teacher's standpoint. I have no idea what school your son attends, but at the school where I teach we sit down as a team at the end of every year to divide kids into classes for the following year. We take care to make sure their is a balance of abilities in each room, a good boy/girl ratio, and we also take care to separate behavior issues. I can't imagine any administration that would purposely allow all of the "bad" kids to be put in one room and all the "good" ones in another.

I think you need to trust that the teachers and administrators knew what they were doing when they made up these classes. At the same time, definitely let them know your concerns. If you show up in person this will show them you are serious. Keep an open dialogue going all year.

Good luck!

Wow, it seems to me that you are predicting a lot of things for the upcoming year. Slow down, and if these things do happen. Address them at the time. I find it hard to believe that every boy in his class is a bad kid except yours.

Kids are kids and it is important for them to face life head on. We as parents can not protect them from everything. Kids are also always changing, you may be surprised with the upcoming school year.

I would say keep this on the back burner because you are going to make your son more nervous than need be.

If things start going awry, then decide what needs to be done, a meeting with school officals, teachers, or whomever. Or maybe your child will do fine on his own. I wish him the best of luck.

My first question is, what are your sons feelings in the matter, it is he who has to deal with it all year. I wouldn't put the cart before the horse so to speak, I think you let things go the way they are, boys mature so much over the summer at this age,maybe things have changed, just see how it goes. You cannot protect your children from teasing all thier lives, it does them a huge disservice as adults if you do it too much now. I hate to see my son cry from mean kids as well, but address each situation as it occurs. If he's having an issue at school-I address it with the teacher. My son is 7, so I understand completely. But there is no sense in stressing over something that hasn't happened yet

No need to second guess yourself or rationalize why the school placed him with the "bad boys" at school. If you feel like this classroom arrangement isn't going to work for your son's temperament, I'd start working on getting him placed in a different classroom now. If the school gives you trouble, I'd have a second plan in mind such as an alternative school that might be more supportive of your needs.

I personally do not see any value in forcing your son to suffer through an entire school year with a group of kids he's not compatible with. While socialization is important, so is mental health, and most important of all whether or not he's in an environment where he's able to learn to the best of his ability.

Considering you do live in a small community, you have the advantage of knowing these kids,and probably their families too. Trust your intuition and do what you think is right for your son. If you think these kids are bad news, you're probably right. Clearly, the experiences you and your son have already had with these kids must have been pretty bad, and clearly you weren't happy with the support you recieved from the school, so be proactive and be so guilt-free! Forget the second guessing your feelings, or apologizing because your son is probably more advanced emotionally than these kids who are bullies. You know him better than anyone, and as his mother you probably know what he needs to thrive and be the best that he can be.

Besides, I don't think your son will miss out on some sort of "learning moment" if you don't put him in a situation where he'll have to fend for himself everyday. If left to defend themselves, most kids become bullies themselves, and rather than develop coping skills, instead develop serious mental problems that can lead to violence or other alarming results. While in your case this may be a stretch, it is more likely he could go through a very non-productive academic year because his self-esteem may dwindle, depression may set in, or he'll just develop an intense dislike for school. What's the point of that? Bullying is a terrible problem, and sometimes the only way to fix the situations is to take the upperhand before things get out of hand. And if the school is putting him in a classroom full of troubled kids to help set the pace...how awful. That IS like throwing him to the wolves!

You do know what's best for your son, not the school. If you know he'll do better with another group of kids or in a different setting, then he needs to be with the other group of kids. Don't be afraid to go head on with the school. Fight for his needs. This isn't teaching him avoidance behavior, this is just you doing the job of getting as many chips in his favor.

I used to work in the schools and as a former educator, I can tell you that the teachers generally get a say in what children are in their classrooms. They trade off having the "difficult class" each year and the teacher with the more difficult students also gets the students who are the easiest to work with. I'd be interested to know if your son's class list also considered some of the best students to work with while the other class was just more of the average students. A lot of times that's how the school works the classrooms.

I would talk to your son first before doing anything with the school. See what his thoughts and opinions are and see if he feels comfortable being in a classroom with these children. If he's not, then I would recommend setting up a meeting with the school's principal and requesting that your child be moved to the other classroom. Explain that your child is often bullied and feels uncomfortable with a lot of the other students in his current class assignment. Tell her that you feel he will be more productive and more successful in the other classroom. The school may not listen to you or may be unable to do as you're asking, but it's worth a try if your son is uncomfortable.