Moms Advice or Input Appreciated!

If you're not comfortable, then you can't do it. I remember one time when my daughter was about the same age when I let her go to the beach with a girl and her dad, who I didn't know very well. I was nervous the whole time. It wasn't worth it.

Woah...

While I definitely agree that you should feel comfortable with the situation, I am pretty amazed by what I'm reading here.

Being overprotective backfires down the road -- you have to be careful not to raise a child who believes that the world is a dangerous place, and that people should not be trusted. Yes, you have to teach her to be cautious, and you have to nurture her own inner voice, but if you overly restrict her experience in the world, you will raise a highly anxious person. I know, because I see them when they are about 17, and undoing this sense of distrust of the world is difficult at best.

My advice:

Raise your kids like wildflowers, not hothouse plants.

Here are some tips:

- Get to know the families at school. Hang out and chat with them.

- Notice what the families are involved in -- Brownie Leaders, on the PTA, working in a non-profit, coaches in softball. Are they tied to the community?

- Start with a 1 hour play date -- tell the family that you like to start with a short visit. Build from there.

- How are the other families handling this? If the other kids are back and forth at these houses, and your daughter is not, she may begin to feel ostracized -- and BE ostracized by her peers. That ostracizing may last through high school, and your child will suffer.

- Ask yourself what you are worried about -- What is the worst thing that can happen? Then, ask yourself what the likelihood of that 'bad thing' happening is. If for example, you are worried because a family has a pool and your child is not water safe -- that's a real concern. If you are worried that your child might eat a little junk food while there, that is NOT a huge concern, unless she has a food allergy or other medical issue.

Children learn from others -- to be a well-rounded, well-grounded adult, they need input from the rest of society and learn how to navigate decisions on their own -- starting with, 'Julie's family eats lots of junk food, and it's okay to have a little while I'm there, but it's not how my family eats.'

Remember -- we are raising ADULTS not CHILDREN. Through the course of about 17 years, we have to teach our children how to navigate the world without us. Trust me, the years fly by -- make every moment count!

Best of luck,

J.

ps -- I have a 16-year-old son AND a 6-year-old daughter.

Also: a note to the woman who is worried about a(sic) 'pedophilia' having access to her child -- sadly, getting to know someone -- even really well -- will not protect you from a pedophile. My son worked with a tutor who had worked with our school district for many years -- he was a close friend of our school principal, who matched us up with this man. He made a sexual advance to my son, and we had to call the police. The principal was horrified -- as of course was I. I had been to his house, met his wife, met his kids. The (well-known and highly respected) principal had known him -- well -- for years. You can't protect -- you can only innoculate. My son did the right thing by refusing the advance, threatening to scream if he was touched, and later telling me the minute he got home. He was brave enough -- at age 8 -- to be literally interrogated by a rookie policeman.

I never let my children go to someone's house until I knew a lot more about who would be home, what the person's parenting skills were like, and what the home environment was like. When my children started talking about someone as a friend, I invited the child AND the mother (or nanny, or whoever was caring for the child) for a picnic in the park. If all was well for the first meeting, I invited the child AND the caregiver to my house for a specific time. (For example, could you and Beth come over from 1 - 3? There are a lot of things the girls can do while we have a chance to chat.) Then, if my child got an invitation to go to their house, I'd always say, "may I come too? I like to see my daughter in new situations, and see how she does." By that time, I'd know if going to this child's house was a "yes" or a "no" in future times. But I'd always make sure I knew who would be at home with the children, whether there were siblings there, etc.

I know that for many of you this will seem to be overprotective. BUT I would rather start with boundaries first, and relax the boundaries when/if that was appropriate.

I did this with my son as well as my daughter. In one case, I found that a sibling was the school bully--------so NEVER at their house. And I heard sad stories from kids who went there to play without the precautions, and had a wretched time, both at the other child's house and at school after the bully "met" this new target.

Bottom line------I never let my child go to someone's house until I had checked out the whole situation. If the child's house was "out of bounds", I could still invite the child to our house, and make sure there were appropriate play opportunities. There were many times that my daughter told me her friends told her that they'd rather go to her house than anywhere, because it was fun and there was always neat stuff to do.

This carried over to high school----when the slumber parties of my daughter and her friends were ALWAYS at my house. And the sleep-overs of my son and his friends were ALWAYS at my house. Sounds like a lot of work? Not if you begin early having your child very involved in planning for the event, and taking a lot of responsibility for it, from activities to food to general behavior.

A calm but no-nonsense parent can set the tone for fun, affirmation of the kids, and their choice of "neatest" places to go. (And yes, I had been a teacher before I had children.)

Invite the friend over to your house first - so you can gauge how well behaved the kid is and listen for any naughty words, attitudes, etc. If you are comfortable with the kid, the parents are probably o.k. too.
Then talk to the parents, tell them you are having separation anxiety - your child has never been somewhere besides school without you - you know you must sound neurotic and overprotective but she is your baby...yadda yadda yadda and they won't be offended if you decide not to do the playdate.( there will be eye-rolling) Also, if you do go through with it - talk to the parent that will be home - "Boopsie isn't allowed to jump on the furniture, lick the power outlets, etc. at home please don't let her do it here!" Tell them of any food allergies or phobias ( my son is afraid of dogs) and make it a short date the first time.
Now - if the parents gave you the creeps the first time you met - trust your instincts and bow out gracefully. Let the kid come to your place or meet up somehwere public like the zoo or park.

I know exactly how you feel and sometimes I wonder if that makes me overprotective or just cautious. My son is also 7 and I have let him go on play dates but only to one house where I fully trust the mom and she is also a preschool teacher. There are a few other moms I know and would let him go to if the occasion came up however there is one that comes to play at out house and only lives 2 doors away that I would never let him go to. The mom is nice but has some problems and I would never feel right. My advice to you, trust your gut, they are your children and if you don't feel comfortable with it don't let her go, you would be a nervous wreck the whole time she is gone and never forgive yourself if heaven forbid something happened in the end even if your daughter gets upset, she won't be for long. Maybe suggest meeting the mom and other child at a local park one day for a play date, the kids will love it, you will have peace of mind and it will give you a chance to get to know the other mom. Good Luck!

It's always a hard transition when your child is at the age to become social and a little independent. I agree with the other moms about paying attention to your "intuition", it's a God given device to women to protect themselves and their family. You have to decide whether or not you are being over protective (if there is such a thing). If you arent comfortable with the other mom yourself, you either get to know her better to make a more unclouded judgement OR just figure you and your daughter are not ready for the separation anxiety that will occur the minute you let her out the door. Having a network of people that you can trust your childs care too is invaluable. But it does require research on your part. A good mom wouldnt let there small child go to someones home that they don't know. I think that is the answer you may be looking for.

will they let their child come to your house instead?
we've had the same situation whereby my son who is also in 2nd grade wanted a classmate to come over and play and although we asked his parents a couple of times, they just avoided it, therefore, we just figured that they were apprehensive because 7 is still pretty young to go over a friend's home UNLESS it's someone your family knows really well. Which was the reason we asked them over our house as oppose to vice versa :)
you could suggest meeting at a park, which would be neutral for both parties. ?

She is still too young to go to anyone's home without mom present.
In this day and age, I wouldn't let any child , no matter what age, ever go to another's home without my attendance unless I knew them VERY well, and was very confident that their parenting strategy and mine lined up. This will be especially important as they get to preteens and teen years.
Even birthday parties! I let my 12 year old go to a slumber birthday party down the street and found out the next day that the parents rented a hummer limo, went around picking up boys, and brought them back to the slumber party where they kids slow danced, and some of the boys slept over! - One of the girls there was only 10! I was appalled that these parents would not only condone but grossely facilitate such sexuality to pre teens. Gotta be extra careful these days about ever letting your guard down.

And yes,... Mama Jan,... the world IS a dangerous place, at least the last time I looked, and getting sicker by the day.

I completely agree!! Don't let your kids go over to someones house without you until YOU are comfortable with it. Maybe suggest the moms and kids get together first at a local coffee shop, or tag along on the playdate to their house and say you can both stay for an hour or so. Then you can see how it goes and decide if you need to do it that way again, and then perhaps invite the child to your house with the parent.
Kudos for being a mom who cares so much for her children's welfare!

A.,

At this age your daughter should be able to judge character fairly well and have the ability to trust her instincts. If the mother seems nice enough to you, buy a pay as you go cell phone and load it with the minimum amount of minutes, let your daughter go over there and have her call you with their home phone number. While you are on the phone ask for her reassurance that she truly feels comfortable there.

A second option is to ask your daughter to get her friend's home phone number. Call the mom and ask if you and your daughter can schedule a weekend play date that way you can get to know the mom better and possibly the dad and check out their home. After you are comfortable allow your daughter to go to her friend's house, but I send her with a pay as you go phone so you have a way to contact her and vice versa. I would then extend a play date to the daughter and her mom to come to your house on another weekend then have your daughter invite her friend to your house after school or on the weekend. It is very important to allow your child to choose her friends and spend time with them, but it is also important for you to be comfortable with it.

Hi, A.. I don't think you should feel bad because I think if I'm in your shoes, I would do the same not have my daughter go to a classmate's house until I really know the parents. I think we (women) have intuition or instincts and if you don't feel right having your daughter over at the friend's house you should not feel guilty. Alternatively, you could invite your daughter's friend to your house. Good luck!

Hi A.,
I always say in regards to our kids.....listen to your intuition..
Or if you really want to know more about them so that you can feel ok leaving your child ask them if they mind if you come hang out for a lil while too! make a play date that includes you too....That way you can get to know the other family a little better..
Good Luck

Hello A.: As a mother of 5 and having raised several foster children, I understand your concerns. In this day and age you have to be careful. I now have grandchildren and see what their mothers are doing about this. When our children were young our house was the place I wanted people to hang out. We had to make it comfortable enough be it boys with digging holes to china (we actually used the holes to plant trees when they were done) or girls playing dolls and listening to music, my one daughter has continued this. She invites the chhildren and their moms to her house and then when the choice is given she always says I'm sorry its not convient for Lee to go over to your house how about the kids playing here today. So far it has worked well and as the parents get to know one another better over time things may change. It make take extra time, and funds for treats (popcorn is still popular) but it will give you peace of mind. Safety and knowing the standards the other families have will make your choices easier to make. Good Luck in this adventure of parenthood. NanaG

If you feel comfortable with the child's behaviour and influence on yours then invite her to your house, and watch them closely. I always work nearby where the kids are playing if I feel there is something i need to watch and understand. You could also suggest when the invitation comes to yours that you would love to come too and have a cup of tea.....say your child is a little shy to go on her own. But the bottom line is if you don't feel comfortable with any of this, don't do it.Your child is yours to protect and your instinct is important to pay attention to. You could also suggest going to a park with the mom and kid and watch there.
P..

i suggest you tell the mom that you would prefer having a playdate (or a couple) with all of you there first so you can really get to know everyone and once you feel comfortable then you can have your child go to her house for a playdate.

Hi A.,

I totally understand how you feel. I think it's a great idea to know the classmate, his/her Mom, and siblings, if there are any, a little bit more. It's good to go over and hang out at their place a few time with your 2nd grader. You will know right away how the Mom handles her kid(s) and your child too. I will look into their house rules and the cleanliness of the home. I would go with your gut feeling if you feel comfortable and safe to have your child go there. You are the parent. I hope this is helpful for you.

I would go along with your child to the home ( if you think they could be OK) and check things out, stay there the whole time they are playing.
M.

I have to agree with Susan.

My daughter is 6 and in 1st grade. I dont let her attend parties unless I can stay with her. For her 6th birthday party, she had 2 little girls spend the night, but I know bith parents, one works at her old preschool, and the other works in the office at her school now. I let her go to a couple of friends houses BUT I know the parents very well (at least 4 years) and I make sure I drop her off myself. I think the park idea is a great one and the weather is starting to get nice as well!

invite the kid and mom over to your house first so you can get a better feel for them, once you know the mother better you can feel more comfortable in making that call.

A.,

Until you feel comfortable, I would invite the other child for a playdate at a park, or kid friendly place where you and the other parent would both be there. Or if the other family is comfortable, invite them to your house....

Molly

Hi A., If the kids get along well the best thing would be for you to invite the other child and her parents over for a bbq or pizza dinner so you can all get to know one another. I don't blame you for being cautious and protective. I have checked the parents of my daughters out on Megans law to be safe and in doing so found my brother in law on there.

Be honest and tell the other mom that it is your family policy that you stay for the first play date at someone elses house.

You could make a playdate with the other parent for your children to play in a park while you and the other parent sit and get to know each other. Or you could have them bring their child to your home for a playdate. Hope this helps.

T.

I'd invite the classmate over to your house and even explain to the parent that you are not comfortable having your daughter go on playdates without you just yet. That should get you off the hook.

I think it might be useful for you to try to get to know the families at your school. Are you volunteering in the classroom and parents association events? Are you waiting with the other parents for the kids to get out of school so that you get a opportunity to chat or just observe the parents? Or are you sitting in your car in the queue waiting to pick up your child? If you get involved with your school you will quickly learn about the families. Last resort, ask the child to have a playdate at your house instead. You'll find that the majority of children and families are very caring people and share your values. Good-luck. Michele

If you are not letting your daughter go to anyones house then I would tell the truth. I have my own seperation anziety and am not ready to let go. We still do play date together. Not sure what you had in mind for you time when you invited her over. Maybe it is better if we reschedule and have you two over. Maybe all she has time for is to offer to include you in coming to their house. After being there for a while you can deside how you feel and if you are comfortable leaving. Or letting her go again with out you. It might take a few times. And seeing them interact at your house might be a good idea. Kids can be so different outside of school.

You really have to listen to your intuition. If you are not comfortable, then you should not send her to her classmate's home. I agree with the other moms - either invite them to your house, or meet in a neutral place. I was faced with a similar situation recently where my daughter's friend wanted to invite her for a playdate, and I really didn't know the family at all. We agreed to meet at the Color Me Mine store so the girls could do art projects together, and I had the chance to talk to the parents more and get to know them better. But usually, I make my kids have play dates with kids whose parents I like. =) My daughter says it's "so unfair!" but whatever, I'm the one who's paying for gas and spending my limited time off doing this stuff, so...

Hi A.,

I think your doing the right thing. Seven years's old is a very young age. My son is in the 4th grade and I still will not allow him to go to a friends house from school. Reason: I feel that if friends want to play with each other than I talk with the parent and set up a time we can meet may it be at the park or bowling or a hike. This way I can start to establish a bond with that childs parent while allowing my child to see there friend. Besides, the person we meet at the park is not the whole house hold. Hope that helped.

J.

It is best to follow your intuition. I was a youth counselor and Parole Agent for many years, and it isn't always stranger danger to be leary of. I would suggest going with your daughter and set up time for all of you to be together. It is important to watch the dynamics of the mom and her child as well as the other people in the home. Our children are so trusting, and want to do fun things, and sometimes we just really have to observe and listen to what's going on. I personally, wouldn't let my son stay with someone until I have a very candid conversation with them about my expectations and the need for 100% supervision.
If you check them out and it doesn't feel right, just agree to meet the mom/child at a community park, or be bold and don't engage with them.
I hope that helps.

Good luck.

M.

Maybe have a play date that involves both of you (mothers) and that way you can see how she interacts with the kids and that may put you at ease if you decide that your 7 yr. old can go to her friend's house.

This is something I just don't get. I have a grandchild I'm raising who's in first grade. She went to school with the same children for kindergarten and over the past two school years, I have become acquainted with some of the parents. I have allowed my granddaughter to go to a classmates home birthday party and to play at her house after school. BUT I have only found one parent who is willing to allow their child to come to our house to play. there are no children playing outside anymore. I'm simply at a loss. In our day, we went home from school, did homework and then all the kids met up outside and played. that doesn't happen anymore. I always wonder "where are the children." There are no children out playing in the neighborhood even though it is an extremely safe area. My granddaughter is an only child in my home, so it would be really nice of a classmate could come over and play for an afternoon. I say let her go. Kids need to learn how to socialize and they really don't get that much time during school to learn as they have to be quiet and pay attention to the teacher. The little 10 - 15 minute recesses are just not enough.