My dd doesn't have many friends at her new middle school. She's muddled through the year so far. There are a few kids she knows from her elementary school that she sits with at lunch. The problem is one girl at her table is a total know it all, she brags endlessly that she's in 9th grade math (in 7th grade) and is constantly telling my dd that she's wrong every time she says anything. This girl is advanced, but she thinks that she's above other kids.
My dd doesn't really want to move to a different lunch table because those are the only kids she knows but she absolutely feels beaten down by this know it all braggart. On top of the lunch situation, this girl sits next to her in science and my dd has to endure another hour of constant "I'm smarter than you..I know more than you...you're wrong....blah blah blah"
I don't know how to help her....she's been crying the last week after school. Help!
Thanks for the advice, I sort of like the reverse psychology advice. I told my kid to make a point of saying, " wow, you are really smart", or "of course, you are the expert!"....I think she'll get the idea after the 10th time or so! Ha!
If she tells her she's wrong...she can say, "oh yeah, I'm sure you know best!"
I think this girl needs her ego fed...so I guess if you feed it she'll shut up!
Tell the science teacher to move that child up closer to his/her desk so they can be the helper or something. This needs to be stopped now. I'd also let my daughter know that this girl makes herself feel better by putting down others and that's just pitiful. She must feel really bad about herself to be going on and on like this.
Well the good I'm hearing here is that she isn't being mean or lashing out at this girl- she's holding it in which is why she cries when she gets home. Awesome that she seems sweet. That's also the bad, you don't want her upset!!
I remember my daughter in middle school coming home and doing a good job on homework- and when I told her she did great with math, she said "I should, I'm just in the dumb math class." There were so many kids who were in the advanced class that made the kids in regular/grade level math feel stupid. I was so mad!!
Those kind of kids will be around for years, I even know adults like this. :-) This is a great time to teach her that you can't change anyone else, you can just change your reaction. Here's what I would do:
-first make sure she hears that you understand how frustrating that is. "It must be so hard to sit through class/lunch and hear her go on and on." Your empathy will go a long way.
-teach her that she won't be able to change this girl, and any way of thinking "I'll be happy once she stops this" will only end in frustration.
-come up with ways to manage this. Some that just make your daughter feel better- maybe teach her to make a game of it. Tell her to count how many times this girl says the word 'smart' or the phrase 'I got an A' and that you'll give her one jelly bean for each time she counts. This will give a whole new spin to the conversation (make sure she knows not to tell anyone else what she's doing).
-Come up with ways to assert herself. Practice changing the subject politely "I'm so happy that you are Mrs. Smith's favorite student ever, that's great- did you guys see the Jessie finale last week?" Also practice what to say if this girl tells her she's wrong "that's my opinion, so it's just fine, thanks" or "I was just answering the question, it's not nice to talk to me like that." Find ways that are comfortable for your daughter, and role play them. The more practice she has, the more comfortable she will be saying them in the moment.
Really, the best thing you can do is to tell your daughter that you understand why it's so hard to sit with this girl. She won't change her, so finding ways to deal with her will serve her best. Even if/when she finds a new group, there is another annoying girl right around the corner. Good luck!
you can't fix other kids. you can only empower your own.
and a pre-teen who is so upset by a queen bee that she is crying for a week straight needs a lot of empowering.
know it alls and braggarts are a fact of life. you can confront them (and escalate things), ignore them (and learn to endure) or vacate the premises (not always possible but a really excellent coping strategy.)
the easiest thing would be to switch tables. are they locked into their lunch bunches?
yeah, it's nail-bitey for a 12 year old to find a new group, but it's also a great life lesson. if she's upset to the point of tears, maybe the fear over trying to find a new place to sit would be better. she gets to pick.
she can get to know new kids, or continue to feel beaten down. right?
nothing helps a kid through this like role-playing BUT the huge caveat is that you have to role-play well. you need to help her formulate and work on calm thoughtful useful responses, not the angry snarky or passive-aggressive ones that a torqued mom might find appropriate.
middle school is tough for a lot of kids. it's pretty far into the year for your daughter to have still found no kindred spirits. if she's habitually socially challenged, you may need to have a word with the school counselor and get some advice.
but really, this sounds like a parenting issue. nowhere do you say anything about your daughter's coping skills or what you've done to empower her thus far, just some pretty helpless complaining about the other girl.
who is also, let me remind you, a tween. who may be, for all you know, inflating her own importance due to desperate hidden circumstances of her own.
teach your daughter to have good boundaries. to deal calmly with drama. and to change her circumstances if they're truly unendurable. i'm betting dimes to doughnuts that the cafeteria proctor and the science teacher will switch her up if she has a quiet word with them.
as a tween she's too young to have much experience with this yet, or a lot of coping skills. help her develop them.
ETA well, there's a predictable 'it's bullying' response. this is NOT bullying. nor would trying to one-up the queen bee teach your daughter anything but how to become a queen bee herself. @@
khairete
S.
Edited: I just read some other responses. I agree you should talk to the teacher and counselor about it because this could be a form of bullying. They can hopefully work with this girl to make her stop or perhaps even keep her away from your daughter. Also, I love the response about empowering your daughter and teaching her to stick up for herself. I didn't think of that because my son is very good at this...he's very outspoken and self assured. But I was a kid who was not and I really could have benefited from this! Teach her to be more assertive when needed is great advice...like telling another kid to stop being rude. .....Original answer: I told my son you have to feel sorry for the kids that brag. 1. they annoy everyone and it's probably hard for them to make good friends with anyone. 2. the reason they brag is that they are actually deeply insecure inside. I explained that a person like this is so insecure that they are constantly trying to put others down so they can think better of themselves. Well this will backfire for a kid like this and we talked about ways in which it can backfire. Then we talked about how being humble is actually a much better and more mature personality trait and how that makes people really respect you when they see you are really good at something yet you do not brag. I told him I once worked with a grown (young) man who was constantly bragging. Everyone could not stand being around him. It was sad really. He wanted people to like him so badly and he would up his bragging even more. I felt sorry for him. I always wondered how did he turn out this way? My son and I also talked about ways to handle it and I went over things he could say back or how ignoring is a good option. We also had another talk about kids who are mean/bullyish and why they might act this way. What their home life might be like, etc. These talks really helped my son. He stopped letting it bother him as much.
I can see where your daughter is just sick to death of hearing it, but maybe if you explain to her that the girl does that because she's trying to make herself feel good about herself. Explain that she probably has self-esteem issues and that your daughter should feel empathy for her. Maybe knowing where this is coming from will make it easier to take.
Smart doesn't mean kind which your daughter hAs already come to learn. Equip her with a one liner- "that might be true but it isn't kind." Might keep her smart friend from running her mouth. At the very least it should help her feel better equipped to deal with her and other braggarts
Your daughter sounds like mine. When she always comes up to me because she's feeling bad about an issue on a classmate, I hug and talk and act like its not to big of a deal (it will be if something bigger happens) and just tell my daughter "this is life." There's a lot of different personalities. No wrong or right personalities. She's not any smarter or better than you. I tell my daughter believe it or not this kinda is a good thing because your getting experience being around different people, that will help you out later in life. My daughter seems to not stress about it when I give the vib "its okay." It sucks to my daughters school doesn't let the classes sit where they want to sit. Idk why. Tell your daughter she's really smart putting up and recognising different personalities too. Some people never learn that gift.
One word -- empathy.
You empathize with your daughter's situation -- say "I understand how hard it is to have someone make you feel (whatever way she's feeling -- less than? unintelligent?).
Ask her to empathize and consider WHY this girl needs to prove to everyone that she's smarter than they are. Do her parents put her down? Is she living in the shadow of smarter siblings? Is she living with a TON of pressure to succeed? If she can find some empathy for this friend, she will be able to let the comments roll of her better.
Role model a conversation with your daughter to ask this friend for a little empathy. She can, one-on-one, ask this friend if she realizes how it makes her feel, by pointing out to everyone that she's always wrong. She can say to her friend, "I may not always be right, but it's unkind of you to always say that I'm wrong." She can ask, "Do you even realize that you're constantly correcting me?" She can say, "I'd like to be closer friends with you, but not when you make me feel stupid."
I think the passive aggressive approach will only make your daughter look like she's being mean to this girl... She'll be the one making the snide comments. If she can't learn to let it go or find a way to stand her ground without being mean, she needs to find other friends.
Tell her to talk to her teacher and ask to be moved to a different seat. If this doesn't work you talk to the teacher.
The teacher probably doesn't know this is going on. But the teacher needs to address this. This is bullying and needs to be stopped.
One thing your daughter could do is read up on a subject this girl knows nothing about. Then start talking all about it during lunch. If this girl tries to shut her down show her printed out copies of her research, proving her point.
Or you could get the other girls together with the moms and find out how they feel about this girl. They may not like her either but each is afraid to speak up as an individual. If they confront her as a group they may prevail and she will move to a different lunch table.
my dh is the kind of guy that could get that girl to just shutup. and he would have a few choice words for your daughter to respond with to make lil miss smarty pants stop and think
something along the lines of : why aren't you smart enough to know when to stop talking? and if you know it all then you should know that we don't want to hear it anymore.
he has put many a person in their place by openly speaking his unfiltered mind. i hope that you find a solution for your daughter. can the teachers and lunch monitors help?
