Not Sure What to Do - Holdrege, NE

J.,
wow I thought I was the only one that goes through this. I have a 15 year old step daughter who I get along better with most the time then my boyfriend. We have been together for over five years and I have a five year old from a previous relationship and two babies ( 19 months and 4 months ) with him. It can be hard around here sometimes, and I am trying to get a buisness up and going at the sametime. I am convinced that he is adult adhd but he won't do anything about it. Good luck and if you ever want to talk, I'd like that cause it sounds like we have a lot in common.
Good luck

Hmm, J., I feel for you, I truly do, because I have been in your shoes. I raised my Step son, he is now 23 but as soon as I met my husband, I got the son for the weekends. He was a truck driver and was more concerned about his own feelings than his childrens. When we had our son, my step son was 18. I knew better than to expect too much help from "daddy" but thought since I was a better wife than the other, that he would work harder to help me out. I was sadly mistaken. I learned that it wasn't him being selfish, it was actually the way he was raised and what he himself saw growing up. Doesn't make it right or wrong, it just makes them who they are. I suggest taking the kids to a day care or something some saturday to give yourself a break- or for a few hours during the week. We need "me" time, whether we like it or not. And that does not make us weak or a bad mommy or anything, it makes us human. I have tried to explain, to my now ex husband, that the material things are meaningless, if the man who provided them is not around. Make life for his daughter as happy as you can,Love her like your own and try not to make her feel as if she is an inconvenience to you she will love you forever in the long run, but dont' send her back to her mom and give her a sense that noone wants her. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to vent to, as I said, I have been there, and am proud of how I handled most of it.

J.

I am sorry for you that must be hard can't you get other family
members to help you talk to your husband about what he is doing.
like maybe his sister or brother.

C.

That is the life of a mother, some fathers are more involved then others, I can tell you your husband is feeling I go to work all week I amm entitled to a few days off, what they don't really understand is that a mom never has a day off I have 7 kids and have never had a "vacation" sure we have done things but it doesn't really count when you are doing the samethings you do at home just in a different place..does it?
Here are some suggestions...leave the kids with him when you say you are, he knows you won't so it never really effects him. I promise your kids will survive, dad isn't going to let anything happen to them, it may not be your way of doing things and you might have to pick up after him a little but he needs to see what a just a few hours of life is like w/ three kids in the house. Know find a neighborhood rec center or gym that offers babysitting and go, you don't have to actually do much if you don't want to but you will at least have a little break, a moment to yourself, a chance to catch your breath.
Know to your step daughter, DON'T send her back that isn't going to change anything your husband is still going to be him, and meanwhile here is a little girl who keeps getting shuffled back and forth wondering what she did wrong, and I am sure if you really examined your emotions on this subject you may be having these thoughts to "show" your husband and really it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him, don't put her in the middle of it, it might actually backfire.
Sorry this is long I could actually say more, if you want to talk or rant leave me a message and I'll get back to you.

I have to smile at this because I've been there. I have a total of 3 stepkids that don't live with us but I had them on weekends while he "went out." I tried leaving for a while with the kids...and that didn't really get my point across. So I have resorted to making him take the kids for short,short peroids and then as he could be trusted longer ones. I did this by catching him off guard like a day he'd normally hit the garage I would get out of there before he could do more than hit the bathroom right out of bed. I'd say " Hey hun kids are fed dishes are in the sink. I'm going to the postoffice up the street" Then I'd leave and believe me he never did take the kids out to the garage in the heat like I feared. Yes he prob. yelled at them a bit and did things his own way but little by little he got the picture that my days were not always easy. Now he's realized with our 4 year old how many things he missed out on with our older kids. Where was he when the other to walked their first steps, or said DaDa? He was working on his Chevy. Now he really feels like he is a loser for not being there when he should of all because after work he wanted "his time" Good luck and feel free to send me a message anytime.K.

J.,
I think it is common for men to take for granted that we just take care of the kids and can do it all on our own. My husband is this way at times. Seems like he thinks it is just "my job". I have talked to him and told him that people who work a regular job do get days off and lunch breaks, and that I need that once in a while too. Being a mom is a 24/7 job and it really can wear you out! Especially when you are the only one home with them all week long, you do deserve a break and a little help.

I suggest taking time to talk to him when he is not already in the middle of one of his own "more important" projects and at a time when you are not totally stressed! Maybe in the evening you could ask him if he would set aside some time the following day to watch the kids while you do something on your own (even if it's just going to the grocery store alone, it would help alot).

Also, do you have another family member or a friend who could watch the kids for you once in a while during the week, so you can have a little time to yourself? This might help ease your stress, so that you are not so frustrated by the time your husband is home on the weekend. I used to feel guilty getting a sitter when I am able to be with my kids or take them with me, but sometimes just an hour or two alone makes me feel like a new person.

I hope this helps a little.

As for your step daughter, I am wondering why you have custody of her? If her mother wants her, was there a reason your husband was granted custody over her mother? Do both of his children have the same mother? (if so I wonder why they are not both in the same home) Without more information about this situation, I would not want to offer an opinion about her going back to her mom. All I can say is I hope you would do what is best for the child and not let your frustrations with your husband cause you to make a harsh decision that would affect this little girl forever.

I so feel for you. I have a friend that is in this situation as well. Her husband is gone and she is stuck with the 3 kids and the dog. When he does come home all he does is yell at the kids or do whatever he wants and she has NO time to herself. She too has a step son that no longer comes and sees his dad because my friend stated that she has her own to take care of and doesn't need another one especially since he is never home. Do you have family that will help take the kids so that you may at least have some time for yourself? I would just tell him that you are struggling to be everything to everyone that you are wearing yourself out and that he needs to help. You weren't the only one making your kids and they are his responsibility as well. I don't really know what other advice to give you. My friend has done that and is still doing everything. If you ever get stressed out feel free to vent to me. My email address is ____@____.com Maybe if you're in the Des Moines/Ankeny area we could set up a play date for the kids. I have a 13 yr old girl/5 yr old boy/3 yr old girl. Let me know.

Wow. There are so many issues here. You need to do what is best for you and all your children. If it were me, I would tell him, I love you, your children and our son but this is not what is best for all of us it is just what is best for you. You need to find a job here in town or we need to move to where you work and when you get off work and on the weekends you need to do half the childcare and half the housework and every Saturday I am going to spend 3 hours doing something I enjoy without you and the kids.