Pre-teen - Lancaster,SC

You or someone she really respects and admires, needs to speak with her about self respect. How important she is and how she needs others to realize that too. This is an age, where they only think about themselves.. They want to talk about themselves, they want to show off them selves. and they want to be noticed and given approval about themselves.. If we as parents or family do not do this, they will seek it out elsewhere..

This is also the time, we must give them rules and make sure they follow the rules. If they step over the line, we need to let them know we are aware of it and that there are consequences.. The tween needs this a craves it, but will never admit it. So we must be willing to keep them on task.

Let her know strong, self confident girls/women do not need a boy to make them feel good about themselves..

And that boys can be afraid of the girls that chase after them. They also do not always respect a girl that is always flirting, instead they tend to gravitate towards the girls that have their own interest, that are smart and that do not act goofy..

What outside activities is she into? Sports, clubs, Groups.. like a youth group?

She needs to be kept busy.. Volunteering, projects.... small jobs..

Speak with her about the dreams and plans you had as a teen. Talk about what ended up happening.. the good and the bad..

Then ask her what does she want when she grows up? Where does she want to go to college? What subjects does she like in school? What type of studies in and careers follow her interests?

What does she want to be when she has a career? Does she want a house, a condo or an apartment when she has a job? What color will she paint her living room? etc..

Does she want to travel? Does she want a pet?

Also this is a good time to talk about her body and the changes that are going on.. Also about Teen pregnancy and the TRUTH about what it is really like to be pregnant, giving birth and having to care for an infant/ child forever.. .

I used to have these conversations every once in a while with our daughter.. Especially when she and I saw or we heard about a teen pregnancy.

You seek out family counseling before she does something self destructive.

You make sure she has all of the knowledge needed about her body and sex before she is doing something she cannot understand.

How long was she with her parents? Do you have her because they were addicts? If she lived with alcoholics or addicts she is the child of addicts and she has specific behavioral issues including lying that need to be addressed. Learn what you can about co-dependence and children of alcoholics.

You seek out experts and get her help.
Good luck.

What a lucky girl to have someone who cares take care of her. Besides the usual pre-teen rejection of authority there is probably more going on with her just based on the fact that she is not being raised by her parents. There can be a lot of resentment about the situation that is being expressed to you since you are the one trying to help her. I would start with either siting her down to discuss or buying her a good book about sex. There are 2 great books I got for my girls (11 and 14) on Amazon.com (or your local library might have it or be able to get it for you). The first is called "100 things you would never ask your parents"
http://www.amazon.com/Questions-Youd-Never-Your-Parents/d... and the second is just called S.E.X.
http://www.amazon.com/X-All-You-Need---Know-Progressive-S...
I told my girls what the books were about and that I wanted them to be able to find correct information since they should not believe what they hear from friends on the bus, things like that you cannot get pregnant the first time or during your period or standing up, etc. Then I left the books in the bathroom reading bin, where they have perused certain section. Both are written in a very straight forward manner with no preachy attitude.
I think it might also be a good idea to visit her pediatrician with her to ask about shots a teen girl may need to protect herself (like the HPV virus) and to get pamplets about sexual activity, and to discuss what a pelvic exam is like for when she does become sexually active. You can also ask her to recommend a counselor for whatever issues brought your grand daughter into your home (death, divorce, drugs, delinquency, etc.). All are difficult to deal with as an adult and even harder for a pre teen who normally would be struggling to figure out independance and now has that added burden.
Finally, make sure you have some time for yourself. You have been through this whole child-care thing once already and are probably ready for some time to take is easier. Taking care of her should not eclipse taking care of yourself, your mental as well as physical health. Good luck.

Google search: "Tween Girl Development" and 'Teen girl development." Many helpful articles will come up. You need to read up on it. So you have information, per her development and age.

She ultimately also needs, to be educated on sexual behavior and health safety per STD's etc. as well. You can't avoid this.
And take her to a Doctor for her annual exams or for Doctor advice on sexual health for her.

ALSO: the "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" organization is great. My friend, a single parent, got one for her son, who was going through all kinds of teen problems. It helped immensely. It is a mentoring program for kids, who need a ROLE model. Look for one in your area.
Here is the link:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.9iILI3NGKhK6F/b.5962335/k.BE16...
http://www.bbbslancaster.org/

You also, need to build a "relationship" and rapport with her. She NEEDS to have a place and person, to express herself to and to talk about problems with. You are her "parent." At this age, this is KEY and very important.

ALSO: try and get the October 2011 issue of the "National Geographic" magazine. It is all about the "teenager brain" and their development and how they are developing and perceiving things and social situations and per their behavior.
I have it. I highly recommend it.

Give her lots of love and attention. Listen to her. Do activities with her. Get her involved in something, a sport, theater, something.

12 year old girls who act out with boys are doing it because they are trying to fill a void of love. If you are raising her, then obviously she has been traumatized by her mother and father in some way, and you are seeing the effects of that.

Lots of love and attention!!!

And I agree with S.H.'s and Laurie's suggestions, below. Actually everyone has good suggestions.