Question About Husbands

You didn't mention if he does this only at home, or in public too? If it's only at home, I'd say he's just comfortable. It doesn't bother me when my husband does it b/c it's his house too and it's a normal function of the human body. But in public or around other people, he's respectful and waits for privacy. If it makes you that uncomfortable, just tell him.

I have to disagree with PP that says it's a guy thing and most guys do it. It's not a guy thing, it has to do with their upbringing. Did he do this when you were dating? If so, you knew it before you married him and still loved him anyway. If that's the case, it's going to be more difficult for him to stop because it's the first he's heard of it.

If it's new, definitely talk to him about where it's coming from. . .why he decided to start acting like that.

I don't think he's being disrespectful, but it sounds like it's something you should talk to him about. Don't be confrontational. Just let him know how it makes you feel and ask if he'd be willing to tone it down at least a little if not completely. Good luck with it.

It is totally a guy thing. My husband does it my dad and my brothers did it. It's just a part of life. The worst is in the car though.

Good luck!!!

Well my husband does it & I join in with him. I was brought up with a dad that farted & burped, so it was normal for us. The only person I don't fart around is me FIL (he just didn't think women should fart. He said" that's just nasty" But he would fart some killer farts) Now I don't fart loud when I am in the store or eating. I have manners, but at home of around family I let it go. Good Luck

I assumed this was a guy thing. My dh let's it go at will- which actually is better than listening to him whine of a tummy ache! If that's your worst complaint, buy him some beano.

My husband and I were secretly married and a week after we married were able to spend our first night together. He started passing gas THAT NIGHT! It's never stopped. Now, however, after 45 years of marriage, I am passing gas involuntarily, so eventually what goes around comes around!

if he doesn't do it in public or when guests are over, sounds to me like he just wants to be comfortable in his own house and not have to worry about being polite for a few minutes. maybe it's one way that he destresses. since it does bother you so much (and turn you off) i would think that there might be a compromise of some sort that could be worked out. i would try to talk to him about it with out being mad and choose your words carefully so that he doesn't get mad.

Take my advice and it will work. Stop making it about respect and manners and stuff liek that because that won't work. He was obviously raised to think that his behavior is not disrespectful, so give up on the respect and manners business and go at it like this... Honey, those bodily functions that you are so proud of are very unattractive to me. They are a big turn off. And honey, I am sure that you want me to be attracted to you, because if you continue the bodily function sharing and such, I am eventually going to lose my attraction to you, which would have a terrible impact on our sex life, and I know that you don't want that to happen. I really enjoy our sex life and it is hard for me to be turned on by you when I am constantly remembering the noises that came out of you earlier in the day! Don't say it in a threatening way, just straightforward. It is not a threat of with holding sex, you are simply telling him that it would be more attractive to you if he would keep those things to himself. If you want, this would be a great opportunity for you to say to him, honey is there anything that I do or don't do that I could change to be more attractive? I just think that it would be better for our relationship if we made more of an effort to be attractive to each other.

If he did it before marriage, then you can't change it without a LOT of work. If he's just now doing after marriage then there are still issues. I would be totally grossed out if my husband did that and his maturity level would be in severe question. Sorry, I can't imagine being married to someone so immature, that would totally drive me nuts...but I have a hard time thinking his immaturity is new so I wonder why it bothers you now that you are married if it didn't bother you beforehand...just playing devil's advocate here :)

Why are natural bodily functions "gross", "disgusting", "disrespectful"? Your body (yes, even YOUR body) makes gas as a bi-product of digestion, and it has to be released for our health.

As long as he is not doing it in public, then I agree with the others suggesting that this is a sign of his level of intimacy and comfort at home - you make him feel safe enough to not have to pretend to be someone he is not. This is respect for you in the highest degree. It might help a little to see it as such.

That being said, feelings are feelings (there is no right and wrong) and deserve to be heard. Try having an open and honest conversation with him about how it makes you feel when he does this. Then, just as openly and honestly, hear his response back about how he feels. When both of you feel truly heard by the other, then maybe you can both shift perspective a little to meet somewhere for a compromise.

While I personally don't find flatulence disgusting, I do find threatening for divorce over it horrid and reprehensible.

And yes, my husband also passes gas frequently and loudly (from his top and bottom) at home. As do I. And we BOTH laugh out loud whenever we do.

I wish you good luck, however you decide to handle it.

My husband and I try not to toot around each other, but sometimes it happens (especially when I was pregnant). We try to leave the room, or at least say excuse me. He use to toot in front of his daughter and laugh when she did it. I explained that he needs to teach her manners and stop thinking it is funny and teach her to say excuse me. The best way to teach children is by example, so he started doing better. Maybe if you put it in terms of what he is teaching your daughters he might be more open minded to being more polite. I have to remind my husband regularly that he is raising your ladies and not drinking buddies when it comes to bodily functions. That being said, when we are alone and it slips out, we usually laugh or ignore it.

Welcome to malehood. Be glad you have two girls rather than two sons because it just seems to be gender related. That being said I hope your husband refrains from this action in public for your sake.

I know, they're gross aren't they? It's a good thing women came around to take them out of the wild and domesticate them. However, I currently have a burping, farting, verbally abusive, alcoholic, pornography obsessed one. So....... sometimes you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I'm thankful that mine isn't out at bars (he NEVER socializes) or having affairs and bringing home an assortment of diseases. So, I guess, if that is the WORSE thing about him I'd keep him around :)

I am sure you have a ton of responses, but here's my story.
I had extremely bad gas as a child and teen. I also took close to an hour for a bowel movement. It was very, very painful and, of course, incredibly embarassing. Over time I changed my diet to Vegetarian at 16, and my issues have all gone away.

My husband, however, has had the same problem since birth, and even with diet change (now that we are under one roof since 2004) it has lessened, but not gone completely. He also has very painful rectal bleeding. He has had 5 colonoscopies and 2 flex-sigs, and the best they can say is, well, he has an extra foot of colon.
When we met, he mentioned the painful gas and bleeding and I asked why he didn't just pass the gas to relieve himself. To my horror, he explained that his parents had shamed him about it when he was a child (and all through life) and even grounded him for it and sent him to bed without dinner. His previous wife, was also disgusted by his behavoir and always made him feel bad. This type of rejection causes inner self loathing which is a terrible burden.
I will never embarass someone about something that is obviously natural to do. Not only is it unduly cruel, but unhealthy and can be dangerous. I once read a fable about a Midieval king who passed a law that anyone who needed to break wind should do so, after one of his nobles passed out trying to hold it in the kings presence.
I told my husband that he was always free to do whatever he needed to in my presence and elsewhere, and that there is no shame in it. He used to be "showy" about it as a defense mechanism growing up, so that it would look intentional rather than a painful necessity or weakness. Now that his body is free to be natural, he is far more polite about it, as it is not a big deal anymore. He is also so comfortable now, that he tells me he finds himself breaking wind at work without even realizing he is in a meeting! :-)
In my opinion, it is as it should be. Politeness is one thing, but as a society, we should let go of the stigma.

If it's all the time he probably has a little digestive problem. Try to get him to take a digestive enzyme or probiotic....if he will of course.

Maybe he will compromise and at least warn YOU so you can leave the room?

All in all, if this is his biggest fault.....LOL!

I am going on 21 yrs of marriage and that is still a private thing around here. We are probably of the most open minded of all people around here and that is still a private thing. There is not much he/I can do that ires the other except the bottom line manners.

I know everyone is different. My ex-stepdad was exactly as you described your hubby. It was AWFUL having to go on a road trip with him. I never understood it. I guess that is 1 reason he is an ex-step dad. Granted, accordingly to my mom, there are a lot more reasons for him being an ex-step dad...namely he hit on me.

Some guys are just raised differently...I don't get it.

IN NO WAY am I suggesting your dear hubby is like my ex stepdad. I think it is simply a guy thing and they think nothing of it.

Unfortunately, that's a guy thing. I know that not all guys do that, but most do. My husband does it (and my father & brothers) and (at first) it embarrassed me, but then I got used to it (not saying I like it).

It's not a lack of disrespect for you, it probably has to do a lot with the way he was raised - if his father/grandfather/male role model did this, he will probably always do it, too.

I wish I could tell you how to 'fix it', but just know you're not the only one who is 'suffering this'. (At least my husband doesn't do it in public!)

Frances

I understand how you would be grossed out especially considering that yoru dad did not do this around you. That is also unusual that your dad did not, mine certainly did.
However your husband is not trying to disgust you and this has nothing to do with him respecting you or not. He feels comfortable and secure with you and yoru home environment. He should be allowed to "toot" in his own home. I'm sure he is not physically tooting ON you or is not doing this out side the home. If he is then that is another story entirely!
He probably feels entitled and thinks you are over reacting. My best advice is to calmly (when it is not currently an issue but a seperate time clear from any "incident") how it makes you feel when he does this. Explain that your dad never did this so it has come as a shock when he does it. Tell him that it makes you feel disrespected. (I garantee his does not realize you really feel disrespected.) Then leave it at that. When he does it again don't make a big deal about how gross it is. Just get up and leave the room. Coming from a family of all boys who took great pleasur ein their bodily functions I can tell you that your reaction is their reward. If you have really made a big deal about how gross it was then they feel their job is done and they have received their badge of honor. It also eggs them on for next time. They think you are bonding and you are just being dramatic. If you have no reaction other than leaving the room then he will respond by not being so exuberant about it. Don't get you rexpectations up to high though...he is a dude and when he has to toot he will do it.

Rachel,
I think I would be disgusted, too. My husband, by no means attended etiquette school, but he respects me enough to make sure he does this in the privacy of home. Would your husband appreciate it if you scratched yourself unladylike in the presence of his co-workers? I think you should really tell him that you dislike the lack of respect he has for you. I do hate to say this but men rarely change for a woman. If he's doing this now, my guess is that he was doing this while you were dating. Good luck in conveying the message. This is almost as difficult as trying to change a man who's tight with his money and also one's thats jealous. Some things you can't change, but depending on the level of embarrassment, I'd refuse to go out in public with him unless he learned to control his bodily sounds.

Bless you bless you for bringing this up. I thought it was just me. My husband eats so fast, nearly swallowing his food whole then spends the next four or five hours burping, the deep down in the stomach burps, every day. I'm seriously grossed out. And if I have to toot, yes sometimes women do and it and it just happens by accident (rarely thank goodness) he treats me like I'm disgusting. How fair is that?

We went through a period of time when I was newly married where he worked with a gal that burped grotesquely at his work. That slowed him for a little while.
Even his friends tell him his burping is disgusting and that's from a guy!
I thought about putting antacids in his food or you could put Beano drops in his food. I don't know - love to hear your resolution.

Hello Rachael,

Sorry to hear that. It makes me wonder if your husband is lactose intolerant and that's why he builds so much gas. keep a mental list of when he's more prolific with is air show and analize what he has eaten in the last few hours. if you figure it out and skip that food and indeed does make a difference, well, then he won't be tooting and burping as much. by the way, you might not want to tell him your food/gas relation theory until you have definite proof and then again, if you figure it out and change his behavior you just might want to let him wonder why he can't do it as often anymore. probably taking some probiotics would make a difference too! Good luck! ~C.~

Sounds like your answers are all across the board here. I read them all, cause I have the fart problem here. I tell him he didn't do this before we got married and he insists he did! So either he was hiding it or I was oblivious. He doesn't do it in public or with guests, just when he's relaxing at night, so I think part of it is that he's comfortable here and with me, and doesn't feel the need to hold it in. While I do not think this is attractive at all, he is wonderful to me in all other respects, so it doesn't affect how I'm attracted to him in the overall sense. I also noticed it got worse when he switched to drinks with artificial sweeteners, so the responses about his system are probably right too. Like someone else said- if you guys have a great relationship otherwise, talk to him about it, but then find a way to diffuse your reaction too. Good luck!

Ok, I'm gonna talk out of both sides of my mouth here. First of all let me say that I too am disgusted by that type of behavior. I was raised with a dad and two brothers, so it's not for lack of exposure that I dislike that stuff. My husband of 12 years did not do anything like when we were dating (let's face it, they're trying to woo and win us); but he absolutely does it all the time in his own home. I don't like it, and he knows it. I ask him to go elsewhere, or at least excuse himself at the minimum; sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. Now for the other side, as much as I dislike it, IT'S LIFE. We all do it, just some with less of a production. It is DEFINITELY a guy thing. The women who say their men never do this is front of them out of respect for them are in the VAST MINORITY. I think it's reasonable to ask him to at least use some manners and excuse himself, especially from the perspective of teaching your daughters appropriate manners and behavior. But he is in his own home, and is acting in the way that comes completely natural to him. He doesn't see the need to hold it all in when he's in his own home. It has nothing to do with you and if you contine to take every expel of gas as a direct insult to you, then you're in for a long and disappointing marriage. The only way I can think to compare is maybe to imagine that your husband told you that you had to leave your house and drive to a public establishment every time you needed to use the restroom because he felt that these bodily function were disgusting and couldn't stand the thought of the germs being in his own home and bathroom. It would be ridiculous to you and very inconvenient to imagine doing this for him. He probably feels the same way about the gas issue (although I know it's an extreme example, it's the best I could think of). Finally, ignore all advice from Olga. She's absolutely crazy and out of her mind if she thinks this is ground for divorce- and we wonder why no one values family values any more? Oh, and my husband is never allowed to hear any of this or I'll never hear the end of it (like I said initially, I hate the rude stuff too!!!)

My husband toots or burps in the other room. Its so loud I hear it. But at least he trys not to do it in front of me. My Dad never did it in front of us! Its disrespectful for your husband to do that to you! Dr. Phil says you get what you allow! Rachel, if it bothers you- its a problem. It doesn't matter about all of us.

It's not just your husband... My husband does it too and often makes a show of it. I have actually seen him light his toot on fire. He also tries to make it sound like a duck.. Now, I grew up with 7 brothers so I am use to this kind of behavior FROM CHILDREN but I am with you. I am like "For God sakes have some class". Not to mention we have 3 boys that he does this in front of. It's gross and infantile, I agree. You're not alone though!

Ugh! My ex-husband did (does) this. If you've never been exposed to his "dutch oven" (toot then pull the sheet over your head), be glad. I am, too a very private person and I would often be embarassed for him, or to be in the same house as him. It was a real turn-off. When I tried talking to him about it, he was just very distant and uncaring - like I had a stick up my rear. I can honestly say that our marriage had major respect issues!

My current husband would never do this!! Even the accidental stuff gets an "excuse me" or is just ignored. We are extremely comfortable in our marriage and if something like this takes us particularly off guard, we both laugh! I think it's a maturity issue (as my respective husbands are 20 yrs apart in age).

I also think it has a lot to do with whether the boy's mom enforced good manners growing up. My ex's mom is a total pushover with her son and I know he was a bear to raise. With our kids, they know that doesn't fly. And yes, they think it's funny, but there are serious consequences if it's made into a stand-up routene.

My husband does this too! You're not alone on this one. I'm glad that my husband doesn't do this in public nor if we have guests in the house. His reasoning for not holding it in is that he'll get a stomach ache. If it makes him feel better then really, who am I to complain? I just try to ignore it or if it's funny, we both end up laughing. He's a loud farter and I'm a loud burper...so we balance each other out. Just think about it...is this truly something worth arguing about?? Hope it all works out for you.

I am in your boat... wishing he cared too. But he doesnt.

At home, it can be fine even though it's really gross. Truth is, I do it in front of my husband (especially when I'm pregnant!) but am still grossed out when he does it in front of me. Unfair, I know.

My only thought is, maybe make some rules about it when it happens in front of your children--they're going to notice eventually. Since there's always some gas escaping from someone in our house, we are trying to teach our kids to quietly say "excuse me" and NOT make a big deal out of it by announcing it and laughing. When they're older, I'll teach them to try to hold it in, excuse themselves, or be discreet (just like you said). I'll have to work on it myself first.

Being in public it's easy to control. There's something about being at home that makes both my husband and I relax--even though it's a little much at times.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if you're burping or tooting you can still use good manners.

You are not alone. My husband and boys believe these bodily functions are the height of hilarity.

I used nice words for a while and then I sucked it up for a long time. Now, my reaction is sarcasm with a smile. "I love you too!", "That is soo sexy.", or "Oh, that turns me on." It is not entirely effective, but it does allow me to share me real feelings - it makes me feel unloved and turned off.
Jen

I just wanted to add that I disagree with it being a "guy thing." My dad, brother and husband do not do this. I've asked my husband why since a lot of men seem to and he says it is just rude and he wasn't raised like that. It is perfectly natural for the body to make all types of noises, but if something bothers you that could be done in private(barring any medical conditions), then your husband should respect your wishes as often as possible. Just my opinion.

My husbands always kept it to themselves. I think this is totally disrepect from your hubby. It goes with opening doors and having manners at the table and not embarrassing you. My first ex was a kid and never grew up. He always embarrassed me with other things. I can not pin point anything but I was shy. My last husband was a gentleman until he wanted to leave me for someone else. Then our last time we went to the movies, he ran in front of me disrespecting me all the way that whole night. I could not understand. He knew he was leaving me and lied about another person but they remarried two months after my divorce. Actually were together a month before. Hurt does not discriibe the pain from that divorce. So happy we did not have children together. His children still seem like mine. I loved them all and miss his family even though his parents are gone now. Take care and not sure how you can get him to stop but he needs to. The children will pick up on that and do it too. Little boys will do it anyway with their friends. My boy's party he and his friends tried to outdo each other. The house smelled aweful. I was discussed with them all. God Bless G. W Even my friend had some kids in from church and they were farting.

I hate to tell you Rachel, but your husband is 100% normal!! I have yet to know a man who does NOT think it is totally hilarious to burp or 'toot' as loud as possible. LOL!! Not only do they think it's funny, but they are usually very proud! Especially if it it abnormally loud or 'stinky'!! I too used to find it disgusting, but after raising up 3 boys (now ages 14,15 & 17) I have learned to laugh about it too :)They actually have had contests. And they compliment each other! LOL!! It is really not worth letting it bother you. Just try to find the humor in it!!

Hello Rachel! My husband is very respectful around me and the children, which makes me feel lucky. My dad on the other hand was just the opposite. He wasn't shy about any bodily function, in public or private. It was terrible for my mom, sister, and I. We always felt embarrassed by him, and worried about what he would do next. It got so bad that we stopped having friends over altogether, so it really had an impact on us growing up. I understand that these things happen, but I never want to draw more attention than there already is. Good luck!