Starting a New Family Christmas Morning Tradition

We did Christmas at a different time just so we could accomidate family. My mom is dead and my MIL is too so that is a past issue now and we can do it how we like it. It is so hard because I miss my MIL a lot and would do anything to have her back.

Christmas is a time to be together. I would do as good a compromise as possible and just be glad the family can be together. The In-laws are old and they just want their family to be together and not fight.

I think you have to stand firm on this one.
"We love you guys and are looking forward to spending Christmas with you, but Christmas morning is going to be at our house. You are welcome to come over here. If not, we will see you Christmas Eve or Christmas Night, whichever you prefer."

Don't try to please everyone. It seems like they won't budge for you - you offered Christmas Eve, they declined. Sincerely say how sorry you are that you won't be able to see them Christmas day and try to plan for something later in the week. Or plan for next year to rotate which family you go to. But, by all means, stay home Christmas morning and enjoy it with your small immediate family. Putting kids in the car crying, stressing out yourself just adds tension to what should be a peaceful and loving Holiday. Enjoy it with your small family -- and put it on your husbands shoulders to explain to his family why you won't be there Christmas day. They aren't doing something on Christmas Eve and you offered to spend that with them. If they can't work with you on this, then they lose out (a natural consequence -- I'm very fond of natural consequences...)
Good luck and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Very early in our marriage, my husband and I made it clear that we will never be traveling for Christmas. We welcome anyone to come to our house if they want. We just wanted family traditions in our own home for our children. We thought that was important for them. Everyone accepted it and we never get one word of flak about it. Our oldest is 19, so it's been a long time! Not a single word from anyone. Our family lives across the country, so that obviously makes it easier on the day, but they never expect or ask us to travel to see them, even if everyone else will be there. We just plan to see them at a different time of year. I think that if you have a blanket policy, it makes it easier for everyone. If this is what you want for your family, let them know that this is the new policy for your family. They'll get used to it/over it. And, will realize that other plans can be made.

We personally are willing to travel/run around every holiday except for Christmas Day. Not a popular choice w/ my inlaws either. See, growing up, I had to leave for a week to go w/ my mom for a week. I hated leaving all my new stuff Christmas Day and hated not being "home" so when I grew up, I said my kids get to stay home Christmas Day. My inlaws felt that we should continue to come to their home Christmas morning...even when we said we weren't going to, MIL led others to believe we were coming so we kept getting calls "you haven't left yet?" "when will you be here?" "we're waiting on you!". Did I mention we have to be there Christmas Eve (because that's what they always did) and the day after too (FIL's birthday)? If we did what both families ALWAYS did, we would be lucky to get to sleep at home much less enjoy the holiday.

I say, decide what you want to do. Announce it so there are no surprises, and follow through.

Going at three o clock sounds perfect. You get Christmas morning to do gifts and play with your family, then go somewhere else mid-afternoon.

When my kids were little, it took about three hours to open all the gifts -- which would start around 7 or 8 or so, (we open them one at a time, slowly) and then they would want to play for a few hours. Usually we went to my SIL's in the afternoon.

So three really sounds perfect, that gives you your family time first.

We do our own Christmas, either the day before we leave or after we get back. If family wanted us Christmas morning, we never argued. It wasn't worth the fighting and all the problems/drama it created for the year ahead.

Plus, @ 4, my kid couldn't read a calendar anyway, so he opened his presents from us whenever we told him he could.

We are the only ones on both sides of our family making decent money and are good with money. And we only have one kid. So it is always expected that WE are the ones to travel, spend the money it takes to do so, and be the flexible ones. It does get tiring, but to be unselfish one time a year helps us remember what Christmas is really about.

my boyfriend's family always does Christmas Day, not a big deal as my family did Christmas Eve...we tried it one year to do santa here then get ready and get over there (they meet at 1 and with my boyfriend's preference to take turns opening so everyone can see what everyone recieves we barely finish opening and we have to hurry up and get ready)...the second year we offered to host (I don't like their cooking so it was also a way for me to control the menu) so now they come here. The kids get to play with the stuff they get from Santa and his family gets to keep their tradition.

I think you've done what you can in order to accommodate your in-laws and still stand with your family on your own priorities.

One thing I learned working with counselors earlier in life is a dynamic called "change-back" behavior. Which, in this situation, is what your in-laws are demonstrating. The original arrangement of you going to them worked well for them, but obviously didn't work for your family. Sadly, they've chosen to make it difficult to connect around the holidays unless you "change back" to their way of doing things. "Change back" behaviors usually involve getting flak for making positive changes in one's life which require others to change their expectations or aren't otherwise as convenient for them.

I can also tell you from personal experience that if you do 'change back', you lose a lot of traction in making that change. Thus, stick with your plans, and continue to be kind. Offer a few other fun get-together ideas (New Years?) and then, let it go. They might not, but do your best. And give your husband a few extra hugs... he's being pretty brave here and will likely have to shoulder more of the guilt about this. What a good guy to put his family first.

A Merry, Hassle-Free Christmas to your family.

Sooooo hard to coordinate all this for sure. I agree with everyone who says "stand firm!!" I have made it known since my kids were born that we do NOT leave the house on Christmas day, unless it's at 3pm (like you) to drive to my SIL's house for dinner (she's local) Luckily, my 2 brothers and their families are in agreement on this - they want to wake up in their own homes on Christmas morning, and spend most of the day lying around enjoying each other. So the tradition now for my side of the family is we all meet at my parents house in NC for New Years. They live practically in the middle of all of us (4 hours for me, 3 hours for one brother, and 4.5 for the other) This year we are going Thursday through Sunday. We'll do "Christmas" on Friday the 30th. It works so well!!! Maybe you can do something like that? And I truly don't understand why your in-laws won't do Christmas Eve (even the whole day, right??) I completely understand your pain. This year we're being thrown for a loop. My husband's parents were supposed to drive to SIL's on Christmas day, and we were all to meet there at 3pm. But my MIL was extremely ill last week (in the hospital for 10 days, home 2 days ago) so they can't travel. So now, I feel like a complete jerk. They only love 3 hours away, so I can't say we can't afford to fly there or whatever. I do NOT want to go on Christmas day (and that's why I feel like a jerk, and selfish...) So, we've decided to head to their house VERY early Monday morning. We'll probably only spend the day and then drive all the way back - I don't think she needs us spending the night b/c of her condition. I know they'd LOVE it if we went on Christmas day (of course my SIL is) but I'm standing firm and that's that. Really, what difference does it make, the date you get together, as long as you get together? And truth be told, Christmas day is the ONLY day my husband doesn't send emails, talk on the phone, be on the computer....work, work, work. I look SOOOO forward to him being with the 3 of us. So that's that. That's what we're doing. Luckily my MIL is pretty cool about it. But if she wasn't, I'd still stand my ground. GOOD LUCK!! I know this hard :)

Well my family all used to go to my moms house for either christmas breakfast or dinner. Now The only one that go are my brother (they have no family). My mom gets very upset over this. My husband, and my son, and I go for dinner still....(i want lobsster for dinner but refuse to cook it in my own home...long story).... We were going to stay home on christmas day and keep all company away BUT i feel as if we go to my parents, that it is only fair to go to his parents as well. Another issue we have is his parents arent home on xmas eve therefore we cant go that day....so...that leaves xmas day. Next year (2012 xmas) we will have 2 kids, and we will be staying home...no if ands or buts. Its too much raming for everyone. I think you are right about the situation. I would explain that this is your family and your xmas together, and you want to stay home for the day. Your going to your familys for dinner bc of grandpa and other personal reasons. I think that they should understand. Good luck and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

We went through this same thing a few years ago. My MIL wanted Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. Sorry, but I have a family too, and we were overwhelmed. Try explaining that you have your kids' welfare and experience in mind and want to make the day enjoyable for them. Offer Christmas Eve, and if that isn't an option for them, ask them to choose an alternate date. Try to drive the point home that it isn't about what day you get together, it's about spending time together as a family and celebrating. Having your children tired and whiny on a day that is supposed to be sparkly and exciting is not worth it. We will be traveling to my in-laws today. My SIL and BIL host tomorrow afternoon and they will travel there. She invited herself over the day after Christmas, but I can live with that. :)