Waiting on Court

Unfortunately, the kids always get the short end of the stick when divorced parents can't agree on something. Personally, I would not keep the kids from him this summer. Two months does seem like a long time, though. Maybe they could go for 2-3 weeks. Or, a week in June and a week in July.

If you and your ex both cooperate, this can be decided at your court date in mid-June and your kids could spend most of the summer with their dad.

Your lawyer could propose this to the judge, the judge could OK it on the spot, and it's a done deal. There is no guarantee of this happening, of course, but it is possible. I've been to court over my stepkids schedule several times and often the issue was resolved this quickly.

Also, at 14 & 16, most judges allow the kids to have a say in their parenting arrangement. Ours did. I would recommend talking with our attorney about that.

Your other option is, let them go to their dads for the summer. You CAN do this without a formal legal agreement. What that does is set a legal precedent for them spending summers with their dad, and this would likely be written in your updated agreement by the court. As you are in favor of this, I don't see why your lawyer isn't giving you this option.

This is why my ex and I did not use lawyers to create our parenting agreement, we used a mediator, and we adjust our schedule whenever we want - the courts are not in charge of our children, we parents are.

BTW - when my stepdaughter was 16, she waited until her mother went to work, then drove herself from Chicago to Minneapolis to live with us. Her mother protested, but the courts rubberstamped it. That's an example of why teenagers do get a say in their lives in family court.

Unless their father posses a mental, emotional or physical threat to their well being let them go and stay with him for the summer. Not your idea of a modified version of the summer where you get the kids for two weeks of the 6-8 week summer period. Having the kids returned back to you two weeks before school starts would be good.

Your kids are old enough to have their voices heard in court which could be disasterous for you if they are angry with you. When you file the pettition to establish visitation also put in a pettition for child support so this way you won't have to come back to court for that separate issue and if there is any further issue regarding custody also throw that on the table as well.

We ended up with my stepson because the child had a say in his fate and living with his unemployed, identity stealing, homeless mother wasn't in his best interest. Always make your decisions based on what is best for your children which my be the exact opposite of what you want.

Their dad may be a lousy husband and/or even a terrible exhusband but may very well be a decent dad. Let him. Even if he isn't the best dad in the world he is their dad and unless he is a direct physical, mental or emotional threat to them his is their dad and they need him and it is your job to make that happen and not hinder that. Trust me the rest will work itself out and the children will see each of their parents for who they are and what they do.

Remember this isn't about you but about the children.

I would let them go with their dad for the summer as long as they come home 2 weeks prior to school starting.

They need time with their dad and their dad needs to be a father to them. You've had your time; now it's his turn.

How do you go 2 months without seeing your kids? Get up each day, put one foot in front of the other, and get through it.

Your kids are 14 and 16 - they are old enough to understand the reason.

However - kids get the short end of the stick when their parents get divorced. Why is this such an issue? You have a signed order in affect. It would seem to me that any child custody and visitation is EXPLICITLY spelled out - dates, times, location, etc. doesn't matter if he moved - there is a court order in affect.

You have agreed to them spending the summer with their dad - is HE not on the same page? Does HE not want them for the summer?

This is the choice you made when you decided to divorce your husband. You will be away from your kids for extended periods of time. That is now a fact of life. This is NOT about YOU. This is about your children. I would suggest you tell your lawyer to pound sand.

Do you really need something because he moved out of state? how will it affect their summer with their dad? Come on. Be the adult here and don't use the kids as pawns. SOOO not cool.

Added from your ETA:
What is wrong with your ex? You offer for him to pay less money, and he walks away? He doesn't seem to care about the kids - he is trying to use this summer as a bargaining chip - for what? NO child support?

By the way, it has been suggested that you are the cause of the divorce. According to your other posts, he had an affair. Don't let anyone try to pin this on you. Raising kids to believe that a woman has to live with a man who cheats on her is not something you have to do, and anyone who insinuates that the divorce is your fault is someone you should totally ignore.

I still agree to listen to your lawyer. This is the only chit you have to make this man come back to the bargaining table and sign an agreement that works for you both. It is okay for him to have the kids for the part of the summer he and the kids want, as long as he has signed these papers, J.. I'm sorry if that is h*** o* the kids, but you have tried to bargain in good faith. He has not. Listen to your lawyer, and totally discount someone who makes this debacle all about you!

Original:
Why are you letting the kids just be angry about not going to their dad's for the summer? Did you tell them that you have offered and he walked out of meeting?

Tell them that you have bills that have to get paid so that you all can live. Dad has to agree to all this stuff at the same time - that's the way the law works. You tried to get this done before summer and you didn't walk out on the meeting.

Don't let these teens bully you. They are old enough to know that stuff costs money, including the food they eat. Don't treat them like they are 7 years old. And don't put up with them being mean to you for the antics of their dad.

Good luck!
Dawn

Hi J.. My heart goes out to you and your difficult decisions. It’s a hard thing to go through the process of divorce and the additional problems often feel like you are being kicked when you are down. I do NOT think it sounds like you have denied your ex any visitation but instead have been overly fair even when the deal was in his favor. It sounds to me like many of the comments were from women still with the father of their children or that were fortunate enough to have an agreeable split. Unfortunately they aren’t all like that and it sounds like your ex is trying to control you and get everyone to think he is the victim (even your kids) in this situation when he’s not. In my opinion you should listen to your attorney and follow the agreement in place. It isn’t mean to do that and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. Technically that is the law and if you go against it the judge will not be favorable to you. I guess my thought is – why did you hire the attorney? I know it isn’t because they are so affordable so it must be because it is his job to know what to do in this situation. It is possible to lose custody of your children if you go against the agreement in place. Up until now it has been his choice not to come pick up the children for his visitation time. If you let them go my guess is that he will turn that around and use it against you. Also the judge has the ability to fine you for contempt of court even though it isn’t likely. I think you should call a family meeting with your kids and explain to them that the custody agreement is a legal and binding contract that you can’t go against without possible penalty. If you feel comfortable with it let them read the papers. Then tell them that there was a mediation that didn’t end with any finalized changes. Leave it at that unless they already know more. Explain that the next scheduled court date wasn’t set by you but by the court which isn’t in your control. Open it up for discussion and let them get their feelings out but don’t allow them to transfer their anger to you. You did things right. You took care of your children no matter what. He is allowed visitation that he doesn’t use and that isn’t your fault. It may be hard but that’s why they call you Mom – to make the tough decisions they aren’t old enough to make for themselves. Eventually – it may take years – they will understand and appreciate all the agonizing you did and admire your strength. If all else fails, explain that there will be another summer next year and tell them that you hope everything will be settled by then. In the matter of child support, when you file through the child support agency they have the ability to retro the payments to the date it was filed, not use the date things were finalized on and I hope that is what they will do in this case. I think your attorney should push for that. I don’t think you should lower the amount your ex has to pay. I don’t think you are going to get a discount for any of the support you are paying and if the situation were reversed he probably wouldn’t do that for you. You are in a tough position because there are idiots who will stereotype you as the bitter ex or think you are denying him visitation because of the money but you know that isn’t true. The % of child support didn’t just get picked out of a hat. A lot of thought went into it and if it was unfair there would be millions lobbying to change it. If you think that you are able to support the kids without it that’s great but think about what kind of life they would have had without the problems and divorce. You should still be able to give them that. Don’t let your ex guilt you into feeling like it’s for you or his choices in the last few years change his responsibility to the kids. They are teenagers and will need things like cloths or extra money to hang out with friends or a car or new tires for a car or college money or security deposit on first apartment or emergency cash for college or living expenses so they don’t have to work during college….the possibilities are endless. The money is for them. Good Luck! I wish you the best and much strength for the road ahead!

He;s being a jerk BUT they want to see their dad. I'd say I'd let the risk of losing child support come to play before making my kids think that i am withholding their dad. I', sure he's telling them you J. care about money and not them and even not true, they'll believe it until theyre old enough to realize if you don't let them go. thats my opinion. I;d never keep my daughter from her dad because of child support even if the attorney told M. to

This would be when I tell my attorney to fly a kite. How my attorney put it is you are adults, act like adults and make decisions that are best for the kids. The document is only there to protect you if things go wrong.

What he means is if we agree go for it but understand that you can't go back and say well I wanted this because it is a verbal agreement.

Anyway, doesn't your old decree, the one still in effect have vacation time spelled out? Like he gets X number of weeks for vacation? Well he is taking a vacation at home, right? Mine doesn't say you can't take vacation at home, ya know? So if yours has three weeks then give him three weeks and with any luck you will have your court date by then.

Frankly, your kids are older and can make their own decisions, within reason. It will only be a few more years until they are adults and none of this will matter. I would NOT make it difficult for them to see their dad, and in fact, if its a resonable request, I would allow him to see him when he wants to. My current husband and I have both been thru this (and continue to be) with our ex's. If you are trying to limit his time with them because you get more child support, then you need to rethink that. I know its hard but you really have to step back and think about the kids and what THEY want. And as far as not seeing them for 2 months? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. They will miss and appreciate you even more, and probably the same for you. Good luck!

What if the case was reversed and the kids were being forced to spend time with a parent that they hated and did not want to see? At 14 and 16, they are well on their way to being able to make their own decisions.

When I was a kid, I had to tell my dad (at 12) that I wasn't ready to see him, no matter what the court said. And he respected ME. (We have a great relationship now, btw). So my advice is RESPECT your children's relationship with thier dad and the way they want to grow and protect it - court's be dammed. Also, as it relates to child support, that $$ is for your kids. Not you. So when your husband refuses to pay and your children need new shoes, etc. Tell them they'll need to call him.
I guess I am agreeing with Jo W that the lawyer is protecting you and not seeing the bigger picture of what makes a family.
that said, I'd also limit the visit to say, three weeks with him, two weeks with you and maybe another three weeks with him.
INMHO: You have a child headed for college in a few years - time to get used to being away from the kiddos:)

I don't get it. If he has a current court order in effect why is he not having to legally be bound by it?

If he is ordered to pay child support why isn't your state having it withheld from his wages?

Why is he even getting to have the kids for more than the court allowed at the beginning of this whole mess? He has a court order that is a standing order correct?????

Why does his moving have anything to do with him paying or not paying child support. He is still working, correct? The child support enforcement division should have filed the papers to have the total child support withheld from his every check, period. Why is there any debate whatsoever?

I feel bad for your kids but in all honesty I would make him come to them to visit. He would be required to stay in state with them and not cross any state lines for even a dinner in a fabulous restaurant. If he crosses the state line with them he can file for custody in that state and the kids can stand before the judge and say they want to live with him, the judge will grant it. IT may not be legal in our state but things like this happen all the time. If he does not bring them back into your state you may never get them back.

You are risking way too much by even considering them going to stay with him in another state.

My thoughts are that he has vacation time accrued, if not how sad for the kids to be stuck at his house all summer with nothing to do all day while he works. I would have it where he came to your state and got the kids and was able to do a vacation for a couple of weeks then him go home.

Your children are old enough that they may be able to chose who they live with. Unless there dad is not a responsible parent, then I would let them spend the summer with him. Yes you will miss them, but it will also give you some "me" time and do some things for yourself.

Definitely follow your attorney's advice. If the kids are with their father when the court hearing takes place your ex will have a better chance of getting full custody. He may also not show up for court because he has the kids and will be able to postpone the process even more. He may just keep them and thumb his nose at you. You did the right thing. You need to stick with it.

Perhaps your attorney would explain the process to your kids. They are old enough to understand.

Yes, they will stop hating you. It may only take a few days for them to work thru the reasons in their mind.

You are not saying they cannot spend the rest of the summer with their Dad. Emphasize that with them. Remind them that this is a temporary glitch in a legal process that you need to follow in order to ensure that everyone gets a fair deal.

It will help if you can sympathize with them. Do more sympathizing then trying to convince them to not hate you. Accept their feelings. Don't try to change the way they feel. The more you try you're apt to cause them to dig in further.

I don't see how child support plays into this decision. Sending the kids doesn't ensure child support. Not sending them doesn't ensure child support. Actually getting a court order doesn't even ensure getting child support. Child support is an entirely different issue than visitation.

Later; Hey, Moms, she's not saying they can't spend the summer with their father. She's saying her attorney recommends that she wait to get a formal ruling from the court. Sounds like the ex is not wanting to co-operate with her which means she has to rely on the court to see that her kids get a fair shake. If she sends them to stay with him without a court order outlining a new visitation schedule, he can say he's not returning them. And the court may then say, you sent them, we believe the father when he says the agreement was that he could keep them. Going to court in June stops further harmful actions.

I'm all for following the law and rules, but, really?
These aren't toddlers. They're teens.
The obviously want to spend the summer with their dad.
So let them.

Is there any way to meet your ex at a halfway point on a weekend.
Say 4 1/2 hrs each way for each of you.
Get a hotel room to spend the night (you in one room by yourself, he gets his own room to spend the night w/the kids).
Just a Sat night then drive back Sunday at 3 or 4pm?
I know it's a drag but maybe you could do this once or twice a month until things change or get settled?
Just an idea so the kids get to see their dad.

Your kids deserve the full amount of child support. Also with him pulling this and dragging it out. It is possible that the court will make him pay back child support until the time of the divorce or the time he moved.