Do I Tell Him I Snooped?

Is there something more important you should be talking with him about. Like...why you felt the need to snoop? If you suspect something is happening that you needed to snoop about, that is so much more a pressing issue.

I agree with several of the moms on here...tell him you snooped and deal with the consequenses. You can't truely get past the trust issues if you're being disshonest with him. Can you trust that he's being just as honest with you?

You should tell him that you looked....the only way to get past trust issues is to be completely honest. Covering it up is just another way to be deceitful. I agree it is going to be tough but in the long run honesty builds the strongest relationships.

Good luck

Because you are working on trust issues, I suggest you need to be honest all of the time. This means tell him you snooped. I suggest that you set up expectations so that snooping isn't necessary. Have e-mail to be open and available. Honesty in all things helps to build trust.

I'm surprised at the number of responses that suggest you continue to be sneaky by covering up your snooping. How does that build trust? Geez, you can't even trust yourself to be honest.

You snooped and that is wrong. I think the best way to handle it is to be honest and tell him about the error and to apologize. Be prepared to accept the consequences for your actions. Snooping is not ok. I am not sure what you were looking for and he is going to be upset as he should be. If you want to continue with the sneaky behaivor then remind him Spring Break is (insert time frame here), do we have any plans made for it yet I had an idea.

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If you are in therapy and working on trust issues, then I think you definitely should NOT tell him. It's better to let the reservations be messed up.

If there's a sneaky way you can have him discover the error for himself, go for it. Good luck.

Why were you 'snooping'?
As far as the wrong dates, I suppose you could use a gentle reminder, but snooping really isn't appropriate.
Emails (unless a shared account) should be private. If you want something to be a surprise, you will 1) spoil it or 2) show your husband you are snooping.

Why don't you bring it up in your next therapy session? Since trust is what you are working on, it's an example of your honesty and that you don't want to continue the cycle. If you fake an excuse, "like hon I am so excited about going to XXX on Feb 28th" you are still continuing the lack of trust as you are lying and why bother to continue therapy? Not slamming for snooping totally get it but just bite the bullet and confess and let the pieces fall where they may.

dont tell, and dont do it again. BUT there is another reason you were snooping im sure which should be the real question to ask yourself. about the dates, when ever its mentioned again ask him if the reservations were made, dont mention dates, he'll know you snooped! it will come up and you still have plenty of time to change dates.

My husband and I have trust issues also - so I COMPLETELY understand. Anyways... checking your spouse's emails, voice messages or texts isn't snooping - marriages shouldn't have any secrets anyways. When you've CHOSEN to share your life so closely with another person... privacy and secrets shouldn't be expected.

I would find a way to let him know the dates without blatantly saying you looked in his email. Maybe say "WOW!! ___ weeks until spring break!! I'm so excited!"

I think you should tell him that you snooped, especially since you are in therapy and working on trust issues together. Being honest is the only way to truly resolve trust issues- at least in my opinion. Good luck!

I don't see a problem with 'snooping'! I suppose some women will act like everything is ALWAYS hunky dory. These may be the women who have never been with a man that has caused them mistrust.
Or, these may be the women who have full access to everything at all times, therefore do not know what it is like when hubby puts 'walls' up. Even though he might not be, it makes it feel like he has secrets. Its a tough spot.

Anyway, I would just ask him for copies of the travel accommodations. Just tell him you are finalizing the plans, need confirmations of dates, check-in times, etc. Then, after you get them, take a few minutes then act surprised.

Or, any way you could just fix them yourself?

It depends - will he get mad? I must be in the minority, because if my hubby came to me and said , hun, I went through your email because I was feeling uneasy for whatever reason, I wouldn't be mad in the slightest. One, because I have nothing to hide, and two, I would want him to make himself feel better by looking at something that should be open to each other anyway, such as our email accounts.

So, if he would be like me, then go ahead and tell him. He already knows you are working on trust and other issues, so he probably shouldn't be too surprised.

However, if you think he will get extremely angry and it will cause a huge fight and/or setback in your therapy progress, then I would leave it alone and try to work together on what made you snoop in the first place without telling him you actually snooped. Then, I would use some of the other women's suggestions regarding a sneaky way to let him know he did it for the wrong dates.

If it were me, I would probably tell him. But, only you can decide what is best for you in your relationship. Maybe talk to your therapist (assuming you have one) alone and get guidance from him or her.

Also - are you 100% SURE he didn't create this fake email to check up on you to see if you snooped??

Good luck to you - I truly wish you the best. I know how hard marriages are, and the amount of work they require. Best wishes.

I think you should tell him. Since you are having trust issues, he should understand. Telling him might even help to rebuild trust since you feel like you can tell him. This would open him up to tell you when he does something wrong also.

I would ask him if he has made reservations yet and when are they for (for the correct dates). if he doesnt catch the error, ask him when is spring break then? i though it was____________.....good luck

Can you just ask him to print off the reservation and ask him "What date are we actually arriving again and departing". "I am just trying to get our calendar in order". "Thanks for handling the reservations BTW". When he gives you the print off or the information then you can DISCOVER that the dates are wrong. Enjoy your trip and deal with your marriage issues after vacation. Good for you to already be in therapy. Good Luck!

Do you have any reason to make some kind of plans (parking, etc.) so that you can come up with an excuse for him to forward you the itinerary via email? Are you staying with someone who might need it so he could be reasonably asked to forward it to them?

Is it for an event for which you might ask someone to join you? And you could ask him to send them the info about date and time?

If it's for a hotel, do you need a crib? Could you call the hotel to ask for one and then "find out" that your reservation is for the wrong date?

Good luck. Find a way to "need" to talk about the trip so the date will somehow come up.

I check through my husband's private stuff from time to time. Since he's had affairs and put us into several thousand in debt on more than one occasion -all in secret- AS WELL AS had black tie events/ etc known about for months and months and not told me until the week of or day of... It's insurance. AKA "TRUST BUT VERIFY."

I don't make a big deal out of it, and as we've gone on and he's rebuilt some of my lost trust, I do it far less, but it IS the dilemma. What DOES one do when one finds out the information?

I'd just ask for prinouts of dates/confirmations of the trip coming up so that you can arrange your itinerary / get in touch with anyone who hasn't verified.

BTW... IF you don't already do it... making an itinerary with dates, locations, phone numbers to leave with a loved one "in case of emergency" (either death in the family, house fire/flood, y'all go missing / info to give the police, etc.) is always a good idea. It used to be standard practice before cell phones. But even with cells dying at inopportune times, the practice has faded. But it is INVALUABLE for people trying to locate travelers.

I'd ask him if he remembered to make the reservations for the ( date) spring break trip.

Don't tell him you snooped. If you are working through trust issues that caused you to snoop in the first place, it shouldn't be expected that you can just turn those concerns off like a switch, and immediately stop snooping. It's understandable why you would continue to snoop because while you are working on trusting him you haven't gotten there yet. I think telling will only make things worse. Wait for a "natural" opportunity to remind him about the dates...hopefully he will bring up some topic that you can relate to the dates.

post the dates of spring break somewhere... and when he asks why they are up, simply say, well i was trying to come up with things to do, and needed to make sure i had the correct dates ;)

you got yourself in a no win situation. either way he is going to be mad at you and rightly so. I like the idea of sending me the email for mom or whoever or to check times but if you do tell him he is going to trust you less and you wonder why you have trust issues. if you dont trust him you shouldnt be with him. period

Tell him that you saw online that XXX hotel or airline or whatever is showing lowered prices and for him to call and se if he can get the better deal. Or ask him if YOU can do it and - does he have a confirmation of the booking? Then ask him to print it or forward it to you.

I'd ask him for a print out of the reservation so you can double check everything.

If he asks why, tell him you had to check his email for something and found the reservation, and thought maybe the dates were wrong so you just wanted to make sure.

If there is an issue on why you were snooping, you'd better be ready to talk about it!

Ask him to email it to you so that you can send it to your mom, sister, brother, or whomever it would make sense to inform of your plans :)

Don't tell him you were snooping! I think whatever lesson there is to be learned you learned it! I hope :-). Most wives snoop for one reason or another. Be creative and find a way to get Hume the correct date!

Talk about the spring break and dates, write it big on a calendar by your computer.It sounds like a suprise reservation that he was doing for you, I wouldn't want to spoil that for him. You mentioned having issues an dhe is doing something sweet, so enjoy the suprise :) Good luck!

I know I am late, but I wanted to give my 2 cents.Prior to 2 years ago I have NEVER EVER looked at my husband's personal stuff. There was no reason . Well he gave me a reason 2 years ago (emotional affiar).After that every time I would get this "feeling" I would look at his phone and emails. Even though I thankfully would not find anything bad I would tell him that I looked. Those were a consequesces for his actions, I had little trust.....so he was fine with it. I had all his passwords, and he knew i would be looking every time I was "struggling". It has been a long prossess, but I did not have a need to look for a long time. For that I am thankfull.
I do not know what your reason for looking was......I know what it feels like to be in that place. Good thing u guys r working on it.

Don't admit it...mark the dates in a calendar and leave it out in front of him. Mention the dates to your mother over the phone and tell her how excited you are.

I have full access to my husband's email, computer, phone, ect. I've been known to look around. It's not that I don't TRUST him but that I know that he's a guy and sometimes he does things that aren't the...um...best. We should be able to be accountable to each other as partners. He can see mine, too.

What if you were in a business partnership with someone who was using company resources in a way that didn't line up with your agreement? It wouldn't be 'snooping' or 'spying' but protecting your investment if you started looking through the books or inventory company belongings. That would be smart business. In TX, where you own everything that your spouse owns INCLUDING their debt, it IS a business partnership!

SO on to the issue at hand- I favor the idea of saying that you wanted to verify that everything was set up for vacation so you could have peace of mind and discovered that the dates are wrong. No accusations, act like it was a complete accident that it's the wrong dates, and you need to straighten it out.

I wouldn't tell him. There are more trust issues waiting to happen. I would make sure you somehow remind him of the spring break dates. Bring it up a few times from now until then.

am i the only one that has no privacy (besides bathroom) in marriage? If i was snooping and found something that needed to be brought to my husbands attention id just coyly tell him, a little embarrassed that i was snooping but definitely not shamed. . I would tell him. "Not telling" is lying by omission, snooping is much more innocent.

Either tell him or change the dates without him knowing. I think spouses that have "private" things are maybe hiding something? My belief is that everything in your house, car and realtionship should be an open book. I go in my DH's wallet, he goes in my purse, we share an e-mail account. If there is nothing to hide, then why the privacy? The only privacy you need is to go to the bathroom.

I don't think you're wrong at all for snooping. I snoop all the time b/c my husband cheated on me & left me for the other woman when we were dating. After several yrs, we tried things again but now he's up to his old antics again. If I ask him for 'full access' to his accounts, including text messages, he'd just delete any incriminating messages (and believe me, I've found plenty!) so just asking to see my husband's messages is never an option so I won't argue one bit that you're snooping, good for you! As for your inquiry, what seems to work for me is just acting 'aloof' about it. For instance, you could say something like "Honey, I just wanted to double check w/you the dates of our spring break trip, you set it for such & such date, right??" & go from there. If he says "Yes, of course" & you know it's wrong, you may want to say, "would you please forward the itenerary to me so I can have a copy?" Then if/when he sends it to you, you can bring it up & say "oh no, honey, you said you made it for such & such dates but here it says So & so dates, that's not what we agreed on..." & go from there. If he won't fwd you a copy, just ask to get a print out or just ask to see the itenerary 'just to make sure of the dates so you can bring that to your boss' (if you work) or 'just to make sure'. If he gets upset abt it & acts as if he thinks you don't "trust him to do it right", try just acting sorta aloof about it "Oh you know how I am, I just like to make sure for my own self..." Men don't seem to catch on if the woman acts aloof & makes it seem like he's the smart one (not to say your hubby isn't smart but it just seems to work well w/any man I've ever had to use that on). Hope this helps & good luck!

I would just ask him if he made the reservations for Spring Break and repeat the dates.

"hey, have you made the reservations for Spring break- march __ - march __?"

My advice would be to come clean, apologize and let him know the problem with the dates. Since you are working on trust issues, being honest will probably go a long way. I'm sure he will be mad, but it's better to be honest than hide it.

Good luck, hope things work out for you.